Dear Anne,

I changed my facebook picture today from Ajay's "solace" to some other one, kind of symoblically to show that I was moving on. And then I realized that I don't have another copy...and I started bawling. I just started bawling uncontrollably and I couldn't understand why I was so terribly upset over a picture. A picture! I just cried and cried...I felt so alone and suddenly I missed Ajay again so much, and I just wanted him to hold me. I felt like I'd lost all of our memories, like we'd never happened...and it just made me feel so alone.

But good for me, Nikita woke up from her nap and showed me that facebook still had the picture saved...and suddenly I stopped crying. I was so relieved...so relieved...all the memories came rushing back. I guess he does mean a lot to me, whether we're together now or not; he was still so important to me once and I don't want to lose that.

Dear Anne,

I wrote a long email letter to Ajay today saying to him everything that I couldn't say this morning on the phone. I just felt that I needed to get it out of me or I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. It was such a depressing letter, and I cried a lot writing it. I hope it doesn't hurt him or depress him too much...but I do hope that he at least cares somewhat, considering that was one of the things I talked about in the letter (him not caring). I wonder what he will tell Spanky and Shruti...if he'll know it was Spanky I talked to (I said "close friend" but not who). I wonder if anything will change with him, or if it will just stay the same. I have a feeling it will stay the same.

It's gonna be so awkward at National Convention, because I just know he will pretend everything's totally fine and we're just acquaintances that always have been such. It's gonna hurt so bad and I will have to cry alone because he won't care. I will want to hug him and kiss him and hold him and pull him into bed with me...but I know that none of that will happen and it will hurt! Oh god, just let me be able to get through this convention (and the test the week afterwards) unscathed. Oh goodness.

Dear Anne,

Ajay called back this morning. It was rather silent on the phone. I couldn't say anything that I had planned on saying...it all felt to bitchy and it got lost in my head...I didn't know what I was trying to say or what the point of it all was. The only things that ended up coming out of my mouth were "I can't talk to you anymore," and "I still like you." So basically, that's how it ended up. I can't talk to him anymore because I still like him and that is all. He won't ever call me again but left the door open for me to call him. I'm not going to. At first I wanted to call back and clarify after I gathered my thoughts...but there's really no point. I don't need to hurt him and cause a fight and end this on bad terms for no reason...the pain and confusion is now gone in my life and that's all that I need. He can live his life however he chooses, as if we had never met, and I can do the same. No hard feelings...on his side at least. I am OK with this.

Dear Anne,

I love my mommy. She cleaned up the whole apartment and now it looks sooo nice...I have room to walk around in my room because all the clothes are picked up, and all the dishes are nicely done! I am so happy. I was sad that she left because she was obviously crying but I didn't think she needed to, I can see her again whenever I choose. It's not that hard to fly home for a weekend. I love my mommy. I'm glad she came this weekend.

Poor Nikita is still sad about things and I just don't know what to say to her. I know she made the right choice and that it's hard to stick to, but it's necessary and it's better for her in the long run. She will make it, I know she will. She's a strong girl.

Damn Ajay...I called him to say "goodbye forever" and he didn't even answer! And then texted me saying he was watching multiple TV shows and couldn't talk to me! AND had the audacity...to not even call. I am highly annoyed. What a jackass, he doesn't even know what's coming but he sure as hell isn't helping himself! Ugh, you can have him Shruti you moron, he doesn't love you or me, but continue living in your dreamworld. I'm done.

Dear Anne,

I am getting a strange premonition. Bad things are coming...I can feel it. I'm going to get in a fight with a friend or something...I can just feel it coming. And I don't mean Ajay. "keep one eye on the door...one eye on the bag...never expect to be sure."
-Metric.

I waver between staying friends with Ajay and not. But most of the time, it's "not." There realistically is no point and no purpose, and I should just leave him and Shruti alone. I need to live my life, we were not meant to be - in any way. Now to figure out what to say, and how to say it.

"nobody knows where they might end up. nobody knows...nobody knows where they might wake up. nobody knows..." - Psapp

I so love music.

Dear Anne,

There are so many things about Ajay that I thought I knew...I thought I had him all figured out...but no. Shruti has been living with him for a week, as if she is dating him...she just decided in her head, as I once did, that they are dating, completely disregarding anything he might say and judging on his actions (which never say no). He has apparently been doing to her exactly what he has been doing to me...he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, and so just leads on the girls around him! I know this to be true because his best friend is who told me that he's no good for any woman right now.

And I don't intend to wait around.

Dear Anne,

I just got kicked out of Nikita's darling's unit for trying to talk some sense into her. I have never once kicked her out no matter how annoying she was when "comforting" me. I will never trust her again. I never should have trusted her in the first place, but stupid me, I always make exceptions, as if there's someone on earth for me to live for. I made an exception for Ajay - look where that got me? And I made one for Nikita - and here I am, crying again.

I will NEVER trust ANYONE again. I will die, and there is no one that can convince me to live for them. Obviously I am not needed. I will commit suicide. She will not be called in times of need again. And there will be no more ridiculous "nikita's notes"...as if any of those worthless trivialities called "happy moments" are worth the shit I live through everyday.

I must remember to NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. Never trust them...they will hurt you. No matter how many times I think it, feel it, write it...I always forget it. I can't forget it...don't trust anyone...they all hurt you.

Dear Anne,

It's just later the same night, but there are just too many things going on in my head. Nikita got back from talking to her jackass ex-boyfriend that deserves nothing more than to burn in hell...he tried to deny it all. I read the emails too, there is no denying it. He's a lying, cheating, bastard. There is no denying it. The AUDACITY. How dare he?! She doesn't deserve it, I really really hope he gets his dick cut off, loses the girl he thinks he "loves," fails out of school, and loses everything he cares about to live a miserable life and die a slow, painful, torturous death to be buried under a toilet and burn in hell. That is what I wish upon him.

I have no right I know to hate Ajay, and I most certainly don't hate him that much, but I do regret ever having met him. I have been ambivalent about this for a while, but yes, I do believe that I regret meeting him because although he has made me happy many times, he has also brought me pain that I have never before felt and has brought me closer to taking my own life than ever before. I wish I had never met him.

**Nikita's Note**
I'm far prettier than Shruti, and Nikita is a far prettier and better person than Aesha (who is INSANE by many standards). We're beautiful and amazing, and we both know it. We do not deserve pain and they do not deserve our tears.

Dear Anne,

This is a shitty day. It began with a continuation of my migraine and Small Groups for CUES....joy. I tried to talk to Angie today but my headache was too bad. I spent most of the day asleep in my office. My migraine has been shitty.

I want to kill Pareen. I want him to die. I want to slap him, punch him and yell my heart out. He cheated on Nikita the entire time they were dating. The entire fucking time. He only used her because he couldn't have Aesha. Fucking fucker. I hate him. She deserves so much better. Soooo much better. God why did he do that to her?! Why the fuck did he do it?! What the hell is wrong with him? I want him to suffer painfully like she did today when she found out. I didn't know what to say or what to do...I wanted to make her feel better but I didn't know how. She is the only person I can count on anymore and I wanted to help her but all I could do was hug. She's off yelling at him right now...I hope he suffers.

I read Ajay's facebook wall. Shruti is definitely dating him. She called him honey and thanked him for the Valentine's Day chocolates. I can't hate him, I have no right. He can do whatever he wants. I wish he hadn't lied. I just want to cry forever...I feel so worthless. He doesn't want me, I mean nothing to him and I thought I was falling love with him. My God I'm so stupid. I'm only good enough to be a slut, ever, and right now that's all I want to be because I can't have him and maybe I can lie to myself one night at a time. I will only ever be good enough to be a slut. No man has ever wanted me for longer than one night.

I've never gotten anything for Valentine's Day. He never even said Happy Valentine's Day back to me.

**Nikita's Note**
How ironic that on this day of her suffering I must write this note. A good thing? Vineet is here helping me study, and earlier me him and Nikita went to Crowne Center and saw the Weston waterfall...it was beautiful and it was very calming. I was so happy.

Dear Anne,

Today was a rather boring day. I went to clinic, saw a patient, did my CPC with my group (and for once my answers were already sent and I didn't feel bad about not holding up my work) and then I went to the review and then class. I left in the middle of class, it was so boring and I had a headache by that time. And by now it hurts soo bad and I took some migraine medication but it still hurts so bad. The music coming from the cleaning lady's headphones is so loud and obnoxious and I want her to turn it off. It's so fucking loud.

I am so behind in studying, I would take a nap for my headache but I'm so behind I'm fucked. Especially with my mom coming for mother/daughter day saturday, Sojourner and ADPi Sunday...this is going to be a bad weekend and an even worse test. I need to cram like no other. I'm so behind I hate this. I can't remember anything and I'm still on the first lecture. I need to nap.

**Nikita's Note**
I had Thai Place for dinner today with Nikita. I got Panang Curry as usual and it tasted sooo good except I got mild and it was a bit spicy...but so good. I love Thai Place. And Clinic was fun and efficient, I got out an hour and a half early. Also, my CPC question was prepared and I was all done with my work when I met with my group, no criticism or changes for me! Boring but peaceful day. Ah.

Dear Anne,

Life for me is just getting more difficult by the day. I have been trying to study for the past six hours now and have gotten near nothing done. I am so behind and just cannot seem to do anything about it...I drink tons of coffee, turn all music off, go to coffee shops, turn music on, sit with other people studying, sit alone...nothing is working. I am going to mess myself up agian, I know it.

I just told Ajay about my night at the ER...and I completely freaked him out. I should have known it would do that. He couldn't say anything...and then abruptly had to go...then sent me frantic texts to "be safe." I don't want that. I never meant to freak him out, I just thought we were close enough to share that, but he wasn't ready. I shouldn't have done that to him. Now he must feel like he has to be my friend or it'll push me over the edge, and that's not what I meant at all! I don't want to force him into being my friend. I will have to just stop talking to him...no more AIM, no more phone, no more emails...it's going to be so hard. I've tried so much but this time I've REALLY made up my mind, and for very unselfish reasons that I just can't go back on. He has a life to live, and responsibilities to handle...not everyone can handle this and I just threw it at him from nowhere. He obviously can't handle it, and I'm not going to ruin his life by making him. He didn't know what he was getting into when he met me, and I'm not going to ruin someone else's life along with mine. I need to let him go, if I truly care about him. And I do. He's the only man in the world that's ever made me feel truly wanted, the only man that's ever truly cared about me...and I will NOT do this to him. I will not.

I think I still have to include a Nikita's Note, however forced. I don't know if it's going to help right now, because I feel such bad pain right now...it is so hard to let go of someone you really love, but they say that if it's true love, you should be able to.

**Nikita's Note**
I woke up at 9am today and exercised with Jackie at her dance studio today. It was really good exercise and it made me feel better...it was so much fun! I'm so glad I went, and I bought a full pass to go 10 more times! I think it will really help me out as far as feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm excited.

Dear Anne,
(02/18)
I just got back from a rather interesting trip tonight. When I came home from meeting & studying, I ended up getting very upset over sorority & Ajay...and I was overall stressed out. I started freaking out and getting very stressed and sad...and all the while I was talking to Ajay online and he just wasn't very helpful, not to mention his DARLING ex-girlfriend was seemingly all over him, which wasn't helping me. I felt very alone and worthless...so of course I resorted to my usual cutting. It was very bad though, this time, and I started...tried...to cut myself in the neck. The knife didn't work. I used a razor to cut up my arm but did not again try my neck-the first time scared me.

I didn't want to talk to anyone I knew, and didn't want to bother anyone (obviously I was an annoyance to dearest Ajay) so I called a hotline and talked to a lady for a good while. She was very nice and helpful and I told her a lot...I told her how I felt, why I felt that way, what I had done and tried...and I told her my first name and the city I live in. I told her I was alone, and I guess she got very worried about me because I heard a knock on the door and lo and behold - it was the police. I was scared and wondered what I had done...they asked me what I was holding behind my back and it was the phone. Then they saw my arm and started asking questions about it. I knew exactly what had happened - the hotline had called the police on me to take me to the emergency room. And sure enough, they checked out my apartment to see what I used to cut myself, made sure there weren't any weapons around, and told me I had to come with them - voluntarily or involuntarily. I agreed without a fuss and went - what else could I do? I called my roomate and asked her to meet me at the ER.

I calmed down by the time we reached there and I was being triaged, and I was actually appreciative of the policeman. They were extremely nice and comforting, and didn't make me feel scared at all (after the initial shock, that is). It took quite a while in the ER, and I was glad my roomate was there for me. She was very sweet, and calmed me down a lot. She wiped away my tears, hugged me, and held my hand the whole time. I was so glad she was there. I don't know how freaked out I would have been if I had been alone.

I lied a little to the doctor who asked me questions. So ironic, she asked me the same questions and told me the same things that I had said earlier to my own patient - so I knew exactly what to say to her. I'm not stupid. It's very easy to fake it, and there was no way I was staying overnight in a hospital for "attempted suicide." I hadn't even honestly attempted it! I could tell my roomate knew I was lying at some things but she also could see that I didn't want to stay there. After we left, she made me promise I would get more serious help at another hospital, because she understood I didn't want to be admitted - or commited.

She cheered me up a lot...we went and got food, and just talked for a while. We bonded a lot and I told her things that I was really feeling...she told me how scared she's been for me for a long time, and to never hold out on her. I am so glad I'm not alone. Maybe I can't count on Ajay, but I can count on her.
(02/19)
OK, I definitely can't count on Ajay. I tried to talk to him today to explain to him a little about how I was feeling and why I acted the way I did that night...but to no avail. He kept telling me he was busy and ended up getting smashed to the point that he just straight up sent me a text saying he'll call tomorrow. I don't care if he does, he clearly doesn't care enough to be there for me, and so does not have the right to be let in to my life and my worries. Not that he would want to anyway, he doesn't really care about me. I suppose it's better this way.

And there will be a new addition to my posts from now on: "Nikita's Note." I've been asked to include, at the very end of each post, a recap of a good thing from the day. So today (02/19) I will begin.

**Nikita's Note**
I had a lot of fun tonight exercising with my roomate to Carmen Electra videos. It was a really good workout and it actually made my mood better and gave me more energy. We talked through it and shared a lot too, so it was a good bonding experience. I feel so worthwhile now that I've exercised!

Dear Anne,

I just got back from the free health clinic about two hours ago and I'm to study here at a deli-sort of place on the plaza. They have good food and pretty good coffees and drinks. I just cannot bring myself to study. So many things seem to be upsetting me...we didn't win Courtwarming Queen AGAIN - because the ridiculous little debate team girl did! It makes me so angry. How dare she? That's not her territory! She should stay out of it...that's what sororities are for.

Although I had a pretty good day over at the clinic today. I got made a manager - some of the other managers are apparently not very good or reliable, so they got fired and I got to replace them, along with Vineet and Christina (an older student), so I feel quite proud to know that I'm trusted and only a Year 3! And I had one very memorable patient...especially with the feelings I've been having lately about dying and feeling so tired...it was so interesting to talk to him. I mean, he was far closer than I am though, because he looked tired, and he was so agitated and about ready to cry. I knew what to tell him...I didn't leave him, I talked to him calmly, and I told him as simply as I could what I knew and that I didn't want him to die. He felt a little better when he left, and I made him promise to come back next week. I wasn't planning on going next week because of my test on Monday, but I will go solely to see him. I promised him I would come, and I don't want to let him down. I have to go, and I'm so glad I was able to help him. Now if only I could apply that same logic to myself. I just wanted to cry the whole time I was with him...I got teary but I didn't let any fall. I just wanted to cry and hug him. I really hope he makes it to next Sunday.

Ajay keeps blowing me off but I know I'm being clingy, I just can't help it. Jay never called me back and I know he's not ever going to. I don't want to go to the AMSA Conference anymore, there's nothing for me there. I just want to lie away in a little hole...I don't even want to go to formal anymore, what with the girls acting the way they are and sorority sucking so much now. I just want to quit ADPi, quit AMSA...and lie around doing absolutely nothing. I suppose clinic still gives me purpose though. That's all I have. It really is my spiritual help. No one else cares, and I care about no one and nothing else, really.

Dear Anne,

I have had such a miserable day. I've been crying for hours except for the past two (during which I've been watching a movie to distract myself) and I think I am allergic to cats. This sucks. This means I can't ever own one! I guess that would make Ajay happy...

I can't trust anyone around me and I wish I wasn't such a burden. Everyone who's life I'm in I make miserable. I'm tired of this. I need to leave everyone alone...I need to stop. I am the curse my grandmother once told me I was...I am a curse.

I am so tired. Physically and mentally. Physically I want to fall asleep now, and mentally I don't ever want to wake up. No one should have to put up with this...with me. And I shouldn't have to put up with this life. I'm so sick of crying and making everyone around me cry.

I almost want to ask R**** why she didn't kill herself when she felt like me. What made her stay around to today? She lost the one she loved, she is so far from her family, she has lost her femininity, she has lost her religion...what made her make it through? Is she through? Does it ever end? And if not, why is she still here?

I'm so confused. I have a new favorite song: "Lazy Eye" by the Silversun Pickups.

i've been waiting for this silence...all night long

Dear Anne,

Last night I went to the Banquet, which wasn't very much fun, and neither was the after-party. I feel so worthless, and like such a bother. I wish I didn't bother everyone so much. I am trying to study now but I'm sure this typing is annoying anyone around me also.

The only guy that has ever half had sex with me is so ashamed of it he's pissed off that anyone knows. Then why did he do it?! He always says he's protecting me but he's not. He's not at all. I hate him. He ruined my first kiss, my first time...he took them from me and I'm forced to be ashamed of it. It's not fair. God I may as well have been raped it would have been better then him...I hate him so much. I never want to see him again...not that I have to worry about that. Now that he's gotten what he wants from me he doesn't even look at me...what else am I worth to him? To anyone?

I need a gun...I just want to shoot myself in the head...I'm so sick of feeling like this, I'm so sick of living this completely worthless life where I just get in everyone's way...I just want to die, God just let me die.

Dear Anne,

I am sitting here at the ADPi house almost sobered up from an after-Courtwarming Banquet party. I didn't really do much there and it was rather boring but kind of nice I guess to hang out with my sisters. Right now though I really wish I could just go home. I don't know why I ever bother to leave my house.

I just feel so sad. I called Ajay multiple times and he didn't answer. I think I left him 3 voicemails...and I sent him an angry facebook wall post saying "poo on you." I'm such a loser. On top of this, I called Jay like 3 times and left him a voicemail...I think. And I just checked my email and I got another email about his birthday and how they're going out to celebrate AND throwing him a surprise pre-party, and I'm sure there will be something at conference for him...why does he not like me? What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough for him?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, JAY?!

I just wish I could die. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm so sick of life...nothing makes me happy, I'm never content...I'm such a burden on the entire world and I'm never freaking good enough...just need to die.

Dear Anne,

I went to Group counseling this morning and I was quieter than last time, but I introduced how I felt used as far as men. We talked a lot about relationships and friendships today. It was interesting to hear what everyone else had to say, and kind of inspiring to see how they didn't let it rip them apart. They felt as alone as I did, and worried about it too, and were even far older than me...but they were still so much more composed than me. They took it so much better than I do, and hopefully I can get to that too.

I'm so glad for Nikita right now. I'm glad we're able to be there for each other...she means so much to me. She's like a sister, really a sister and I'm so glad I have her. I love her.

I got a different antidepressant from my doctor today, she thinks maybe I need something that isn't just an SSRI. I haven't gotten it filled yet, but I will soon, because my current medication doesn't seem to be doing anything. She thinks she will start me out on the 2nd level becaus I've already been on an SSRI for so long, and then raise me up slowly because she doubts that will be enough.

I'm going to start studying tonight, so that I can be caught up and not worry so much next week. It's going to be busy, especialy with my mom coming up the weekend before the test. Let's hope I can pull off another good grade :-)

So far it's been a good day...I cried a little over Ajay but that's negligible, it was temporary and I got over it. I don't care. I have someone that really cares about me, a doctor and Group that are really helping, and I need to concentrate on school - and I know I can!

Good night.

Dear Anne,

I am so tired right now. I spent a few hours hanging out with a few people at a friends apartment...it was nice, because it's people I usually study with but never actually have friends with. It was very relaxing. Valentine's Day didn't take as much of a toll on me as I had expected, because I spent the whole day rather busy. And I even got chocolate from a boy! One of our friends decided to get all the girls candy because he didn't have anyone specific to give it to this year...how sweet! It really made my day.

I tried to contact Ajay, but he didn't answer any ims and I don't have his phone number anymore (which might be a good thing). I skipped my meeting with Angie because I overslept, but I rescheduled for this Friday. I have an appointment with my doctor this week and in a couple of weeks also, about depression and other things. I have group tomorrow morning, which I actually am looking forward to. I think it could really help if I give it a chance.

I've been working really hard at Courtwarming! Well, I guess for today. I think we're doing decently well, and have chance at winning. I REALLY hope we do win...we need to win a lot of things to keep our name honorable. And I like spending time with the sorority, it makes me feel a part of something and like I'm not alone.

I need to start studying again, our test is in less than 2 weeks! 1 and a half weeks! So quick...time passes by so quickly. I need to study tomorrow night.

I got an online invitation to Jay's 30th birthday party. So I guess I was right at guessing his age, he's been 29 this whole time and now turns a year older. I don't know why that was so hard for him to say. His friends are planning what I think is a surprise party. I don't know how in the world I got invited, or if they just invited everybody who comes to AMSA events? How do they even know that we talk?! God why does he have to be so hot...?! Why do any of them have to be so hot?! and then I can't have them?! It's just not fair...Jay's so hot, I want him so bad, but he's such an inconsiderate jerk to me. I don't know what in the world is so wrong with me.

I got a B on my last test, which is an improvement. It wasn't very much higher, but it was higher, so it's still good. And I need to study even more this next time to get back up to better standards! My meeting with ADPi Scholarship Standards is this coming Wednesday, it'll have my cumulative Path grade (including two tests and two CPCs) so it will be a pretty good representation. And my CUES grade? Who knows how that will be...

Life is getting more and more blah...but that's fine with me. As long as I get time to study and don't feel overwhelemed but still have something to do....that is PERFECT for me.

Dear Anne,

I am falling apart. I am still in love with Ajay, whether I want to be or not. And I don't want to be. There is no hope for us, and I honestly don't believe we belong together, but I can't change the fact that I care about him a lot. Valentine's Day is tomorrow, Snowball is in about three weeks, and I just feel so...alone. No one cares about me the way I could care about them. No one ever wants me for longer than one night. I don't know what I did to deserve this...but here I am, and this is my life...and I would really rather die than live this way.

I tried to warn Ajay to stay away from me. I know he thinks I'm crazy and wierd so I don't know why he's still around...but he refuses to give up on me and though it could be considered sweet if it were someone else, with me it's just a mistake. There is no hope for me, and he deserves far better. I'm not worth anyone's time...so I guess I just answered why no one wants me. I realize how worthless I really am.

I hate my life, and I hate who I am. I think I'm ready to resort to slitting my throat if necessary. I still don't know what drugs I would take to kill me and how I would get them...perhaps I should be doing more research. Carbon monoxide may sound good, but its also complicated.

Dear Anne,

I just spoke to Ajay. He's...indifferent. He asked once why I was sad, and then...said ok. I gave him completely vague answers and he just...took it. He doesn't care. He's indifferent.

I can't love someone who's indifferent about me, who doesn't bother to try to find out why I am the way I am, and what happens to me. I can't live for him. That's not worth it. If I marry him, I'll just think I'm happy, wonder why I'm not, and get sad all over again only to reach the same conclusion after a false hope. God, to think...I thought it would be so easy...I thought I found the answer, he was my answer...I'm so stupid. So stupid. He doesn't care...he's just...indifferent.

Dear Anne,

Ajay imed me and I couldn't talk to him. I wanted him to call me and then I changed my mind. He shouldn't call me. What right do I have to ask him that? He shouldn't be talking to me. He knew something was up but I just blew him off and we stopped talking...I want to talk to him so badly and I've apologized by I doubt he'll speak back. I deserve this...it's for the best. It will finally convince me totally that I have nothing to live for and it will be better for him. It needs to be done...he may hurt a little right now, but it's for the best. It's just what he needs.

I now have nothing to stop me. It hurts....so much.

Dear Anne,

I just deleted Ajay's sn and his number from my phone. And I don't think Nikita would give it to me even if I did ask. I need to stop contacting him, not for me...for him. He deserves so much better than me, he could do so much better than me. I need to leave him alone, I am latched on to him and I know he doesn't want it but is too nice to say anything. No one but him has ever made me feel wanted. No one. But that doesn't mean I should ruin his life for that one mistake. I'm not good enough for him.

I need to die. I just need to die it's the only way I will stop ruining everyone's life around me...I just ruin them all. I make everyone else miserable and then sit here like I'm some kind of victim...it's so selfish. I need to stop. If I just did it already...everything would be better. Everyone would be happier, they could just forget about me and live their lives and be happy. I even waste my counselor's time...she could be helping someone that actually needs help. I don't need help, nothing can "help" me. I'm just wasting money on medication, wasting my parents money everyday on an education I'm not good enough for...I'm ugly, no one will ever love me. What's the point of all this? Life wasn't meant to be like this. I'm not meant to live. I just want to kill myself.

Anne, it's not fair. You died so young and could have lived an amazing life. Even without living it all the way through you still made such a mark on history. I'm so worthless...why do people like you, people who love life and could make it so amazing and deserve it..why do people like you die while I am here? I wish I could trade places with you...I wish I could trade places with someone right now who is dying who doesn't deserve it. It's not right. I should be the one dying. If there is a God, he cannot be perfect. He has made this terrible mistake.

Dear Anne,

I have been studying better for the past few days. I've been at Aixois and here at the medical school. I don't believe I've actually learned anything, or that I will actually remember any of it, though, so I wonder what good this will be in the end. I can't afford another bad semester, my sorority will put me on social probation.

This has been a tough week, and so I wonder where I am putting my emotions because I sure don't feel them as I ought to I know. One of my professors had a meeting with me for being late to pre-PBA, and ended up writing me a Letter of Professionalism. Or, he said he will, and then send it to the Council on Evaluation (which is basically where you go when you're in a shit-ton of trouble). I am so angry. I feel like he took advantage of a vulnerable time in my life right now and coerced me to divulge things that I would not have normally talked about to him, and I feel like he mixed the line between being a psychiatrist and a professor to illicit information from me that I would not have normally volunteered, and now is using it against me. He even called my counselor! How dare he?! I feel like I should be worried about what might happen with this at the Council, but in all honesty I don't feel like I did anything wrong, so nothing will happen to me. My ETC said that if he does send anything to the Council, she will write a rebuttal letter, and that I should too. That meeting was the first time he's ever spoken to me, he has absolutely no right to judge me like that, especially when I was not the first person to be late to the PBA.

I want to marry Ajay...I really do. I want to marry him and adopt a child with him, and have kids with him...I want everything to be perfect. That would make me happy. But I'm so afraid I'll end up like someone else I know that used to be in love but was in the same predicament as me (as far as religion) and so now is still alone while the man has moved on...

I hate this time of year...Valentine's Day and Snowball...doubly painful. It just makes me want to cry when I think about it. Every year people couple off and have so much fun while I sit around and ponder suicide. I mean I do that every other day anyway, but it's especially bad right now. Damn this time of year. I hate this.

Dear Anne,

I've had such a long day. went straight from 7:30am - 4pm....clinic and classes, no break! It was exhausting and cold. I got a 78 on my Path test. Not very comforting, considering the average was an 86...so I'm stupider than basically most of the class. So frustrating, I don't know what to do. I study and I try as much as I can but I just can't do what these people do sometimes...I just don't have the physical stamina to go without food, sleep, and comfort for the sake of studying! I'm so weak. Today I thought "oh i'll study a lot" and of course I don't! I feel so behind...I fell asleep for four hours accidentally and am only awake because I forced myself to get up, to save myself from aching in bad positions with the light on (I hadn't planned to fall asleep, as usual). I don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed again...I have a meeting with Dr. Thompson tomorrow, then CUES small group, then CUES, and then Path. And I still need to do my Path CPC. There's just too much...I can't handle all of this! Ugh.

I feel...like I'm falling apart.

Dear Anne,

My dear Ajay...oh my goodness you are so amazing. I am so in love with you. I am talking to him right now on the phone, and realizing that I cannot ever have you, and I hate it. I love you so much, I want to spend my life with you...but I can't. God I hate this.

I'm doing the Carmen Electra aerobic striptease warmup with my roomate right now. I know it sounds stupid, but it really does stretch you out and it is a good aerobic exercise. We're trying to do it a couple days a week just to somewhat exercise.

I am going to go see my cousin and my nephews today, I haven't seen them in a while. And since I'm down south, I'm going to go see J**** perform also. I haven't seen her perform in so long!

I told my mother I'm vegetarian now and she freaked out and got very angry at me. Daddy wasn't angry at all, I think he found it amusing, but I hope he keeps her in check.

I am deciding to look more into the candidates for the election now, realizing that we have two years until the election. Hillary Clinton is of course amazing, especially on the healthcare front, but then, John Edwards is a good candidate too. I still uphold that Obama hasn't enough experience yet. I am so glad that universal healthcare is becoming so popular and that HR 676 is going to realize the dream! It's already got 46 cosponsors in the House, more than any other medical bill, and it's very well thought-out and well-written. I think it's a very good thing for this country, and I'm so excited about it. I might try to lobby Emmanuel Cleaver's office, if I can gather any support or interest. No one seems to care! I don't understand how you can be a medical student and not care...

OK time to carmen.

Dear Anne,

I began today at the clinic - I was the patient, though. I got checked for STDs which required an ugly pelvic exam and a blood test, and then I got a pregnancy test (negative!) thank goodness. The thought of having that jerk's child...disgusting. I cannot believe I was coerced into sleeping with him. Ugh.

I then relaxed at a little french cafe nearby campus...I love it. I go there often for coffee or to read a book, but I hadn't ever gone for lunch before. It's small but cute, full of eccentric furniture and waiters that sing French songs and wonderfully good coffee. I was quite happy then.

After class a bunch of us girls went pole dancing after class and it was so much fun! I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but it was so worth it. It's just so much fun and such a workout. And the teacher is very good, both at pole dancing and teaching. She's so sweet. I'm really glad I went. Afterwards we all went and watched Grey's together at two of the girls' apartment...one of them I got in a fight with last semester (she cussed me out, I won't forgive her) so she's still such a bitch to me. She never apologized either. I'm never going to forgive her unless she admits she did something wrong and apologizes for it, which she won't because she's just not a nice person like that. And so she shuns me as if she has some right too...I couldn't wait to get out of there and get away from her. She's always staring me down, that jerk.

Overall the day was good but not so much the ending...I really wish we didn't have mutual friends. And that she wasn't in my sorority. I dont understand why ANYONE is friends with her...she's just not a nice person!