Dear Anne,

I have the best roomate/best friend ever. Yes, she is both...we are one of the few lucky ones that can pull that off. And I know some pretty nice people, I gotta say. I am really really lucky and I'm so glad I know that. But I kind of wish I would have known that without having to learn it...I learnt it last night, unfortunately, by breaking someone's heart. I really wish I hadn't had to do that. But, he just kind of told me how he felt about me, and the part that confuses me is that we made out at that point...and I don't remember who initiated it, but I do know that it was one of those confusing bar scenes full of people and crowdedness, and too much alcohol...to the point that our heads were pretty close anyway and I'm too drunk to remember. But he told me that I was the one who initiated the making out...which is probably true, knowing me when I'm drunk. And I tried to talk to him and tell him that I just don't think of him that way, that I really care about him and don't want to hurt him and want to be his friend, but just don't like him that way. He said he was slightly annoyed/angry but not hurt, and we'll still be friends...but it's just gonna be so awkward for me...knowing that I made out with him! And rejected him!

But he really is an awesome guy, I just know that we're not for each other....so I guess it's for the best, but I really wish that it hadn't had to happen at all. Damnit. Life is too hard and confusing and messed up. I really hope that nothing gets awkward. I'm not going to tell anyone on our unit. I çan't do that to him.

But like I said, I am so glad that there were people there to wipe away my tears, whether I talk to them a lot or not...and I am so glad that my roomate is always there for me, and an amazing friend. She's so awesome, I don't know how she does it...I can't be that good of a friend back and it's so difficult...I wish I could, I so wish...I don't deserve a friend that awesome. Truthfully speaking, no one does. I don't know how she does it.

Dear Anne,

I should feel like a bad friend, but in all honesty, right now I'm glad that I looked out for myself for a change. I have been comforting my dear roomate for her wrongdoings for so long that it was starting to stress me out and make me cry, and I finally decided just now that I refuse to comfort her and tell her that what she did was OK...because it wasn't, and I can't change that. I listened, I listened diligently, but I said nothing. I can't bring myself to tell her what I really thing because that would break her heart, so I just say nothing. At least I don't have to lie anymore.
I am also so ashamed to even look my attending in the eye...I feel like such a failure as a medical student, and like I have to constantly make excuses for myself and it's getting too hard. I feel like I don't even have the right to be here half the time...no matter how hard I try, nothing changes.
Favorite song right now: "Hey there Delilah..." by Plain White T's.
ooooh...

Dear Anne,

I am a completely worthless little slut. I'm a slut. I'm a complete slut. And my unit knows it best...they completely think I am a worthless slut that does not deserve and will never have anyone truly care about me, because I'm not good enough for that.

I hate my life. I hate myself.

Dear Anne,

I was so ridiculously irritated earlier today...at basically everything and everyone. Well, no. I was specifically irritated at of course CUES, and the cirriculum council of this retarded school. And that just made me frustrated, which snowballed into more irritation with every inanimate object that did not do what it was told! CUES was full of us concentrating more on emotions than actual medicine, which really bothers me because I came here to learn MEDICINE, not waste my time listening to actors talk about things they dont know anything about instead of studying pathology. And my anger at the curriculum council only got worse when I went to my ETC to find out that I was one of a few students who ended up without an elective - with just...nothing. I have no elective for August, and so now they have to think of something to do for me. I don't want the shitty electives that are left! I pay so much for a medical education, I expect to get something good out of it! It's just not fair. I am so frustrated...so now I am supposed to try to switch months with someone else to move my Family Med rotation, allow curriculum to do what they will (even though they wont return my ETC's phone calls so far), or try to think up my own elective. I don't know if I'll be able to switch with someone, that doesn't really ever happen, I dont want the shitty electives that curriculum will put my in like Alternative Med, and I shouldn't have to waste my time not studying to set up an elective - thats what those curriculum people are PAID for!! I am so frustrated.

Dear Anne,

I am extremely pissed off at my roomate right now. She has been so upset for the past few days and I've been comforting her incessantly. She did something that hurt a lot of people around her, but I believed that she didn't mean to and that it was just an inebriated mistake - b/c she was very inebriated. However, I just found out that she did it twice, with much time in between. It's harder for me to believe it was a one-time thoughtless mistake...if it wasn't one time. Now I just feel stupid for all the comforting and coaxing, and all the thoughts I had against others who looked down on her...b/c perhaps they are more justified, now that I know. I don't care how drunk you are, if you do something once, and then SEE and TALK TO the people that will be hurt, the people that care about you and that you know you will hurt, there is no excuse for not thinking about them. I don't agree with all the comforting I gave, I don't believe it anymore, because like I said - it wasn't a one-time drunken mistake.

It just really pisses me off that I was mislead (although it was not on purpose) and that I made a fool of myself by looking down on those that thought ill of her, because they were not wrong. I just feel...almost...betrayed. Although, now I feel even worse that she knows I'm upset about this (she saw me crying) and that she's more upset. I don't want her to be upset, I care about her and she's always been there for me, but really...how could she do something so terrible TWICE, with at least an hour in between, talking to other people that she would hurt in between...my God. And I mean, if you want to do it that's fine, but then don't pretend that you didn't think about people and don't deserve to be shunned for hurting them because quite honestly...you do. And perhaps those people that are considering giving her a second chance shouldn't...I feel so bad for saying that, but I it's true. It is, unfortunately, true; because she knowingly hurt them, and they don't deserve that.

I will have to hide this and pretend that I did mean everything, I don't feel betrayed, and that she does deserve a second chance...because I want to be a good friend...but I really really wish I didn't have to lie about this. And it worries me that I do need to lie to be a good friend, and to comfort someone I care about. If I really want to be there for her, if I really care...do I tell her what I really think or what she wants to hear?

Dear Anne,

I am much better today than yesterday. Things seem so much more in perspective, and everything that happens seems further away. I only knew him for one day, so it's really OK. I don't feel attached to him at all, and he is just another guy to me. I'm not going to see him again and I will probably easily forget about him, soon. I feel very sorry for him and I hope he gets better, but that is all. All in all, it was an odd experience that I would rather not brood over, and that I can even laugh about already!

Nikita is still rather upset about her predicament, although I must say it is doing better than when it started. She will be OK. I just wish she kept eating when she was upset, I don't understand how she can stop eating. I eat so much when I'm upset. She will be OK, I don't think she did anything wrong.

Other than that, I think I need to concentrate on school and health right now. I told Crissy just now that there are four parts to my life: school, health, sorority, boys/alcohol. I have been concentrating on boys/alcohol too much, although I have significantly reduced sorority involvement this semester, which has helped my grades (but not my health). Time to stop with the parties and next time, either sleep or pick up a book. And I should cut it on the alcohol until my birthday. I need to study more. In fact, I need to do my CPC right now so that I can get to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning for clinic. Goodnight.

Dear Anne,

This may be one of my worst weekends to date. I feel like a complete failure as a woman. I met an amazingly sweet, kind, cute guy last night...only to see him run out of my door today because he's just not "sexually attracted" to me. He's not attracted to Indian girls. I feel so completely worthless...he couldn't get it up for me. He couldn't get it up for me. He couldn't get it up for me! I am such a worthless woman. I...I don't know what I did wrong...what's wrong with me...he couldn't get it up. He said it's because he's not attracted to Indian girls. I liked him so much. I liked him sooo soo much. He was so sweet at first...so nice...and everyone thought so, not just me. He seemed like such a genuinely nice guy. And he was so cute.

He was born in India but adopted and raised in America to a white family in a white town, white school, white church, etc. So I guess for some reason he is attracted only to white girls, and tried to be attracted to me but just couldn't...and so he ended up angry, we tried to talk, but he just kept hurting me with every word and he stormed out basically. And that will probably be the last I see of him. It's not fair. I can't help what color I am. I can't help it, what did I do that was so fucking wrong? I was so perfect...so perfect...I didn't do anything to mess it up this time. Nothing. And it still wasn't good enough, I'm still not good enough, I'm still worthless.

He has so many problems and he needs someone to be there for him and I so wish I could be that person...even after he hurt me like that I still want him to be OK, I want everything to be OK for him...he was so amazing, he needs someone to be there for him...I want to be there for him. What is wrong with me?! God less than one day...always always always, that's all I'm good for is a little fooling around and then I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I hate this, it's not fair. Why does this always happen to me?! I really thought this time would be different, I really did...

But now he's gone and all I have is a memory of less than 24 hours that we were together and I thought I would be happy for once. We could have been so amazing together...but I'm just so fucking worthless. Damn me.

Nikita's Note: Even if it was temporary, and even if he faked it, I finally learned what it was like to feel like someone really cares about me and wants to be with me. It was a good feeling.

Dear Anne,

I am much better now, and am trying to finish up studying for my already extended test in the morning. I still don't feel adequately prepared, but I have been over the material (all of it) at least once and so I think I did give it a fair shot. But I'm nowhere near done yet.

It makes me sad that I have no one right now, because I can't stop thinking about one guy or another and the thing is...I just wish I had one. I feel like all were failed escapades this year, just complete tries and failures. It's really depressing when I think about how other people fall into relationships so easily and for me it's like...well let's not go there. Either way, it's really been depressing me. I need sleep. And I need a legion of boys chasing after me FOR A RELATIONSHIP not just...one night. I'm sick of "one night." Fuck, am I not worth more than that? Fucking jackasses...I hate my life. And I hate men. I just am so sick of it all, I really wish I believed in catholocism so I could just become a nun and have an excuse to get away from it all. I'm so sick of it, it makes me want to cry when I think about it and I can't do that now b/c I need to study and I'm already very tired. Damn, just to get through the material once more...

I'm such a failure. I can't handle even a few extracirricular activities, my cousin always has to come to my rescue when I'm sick (which I'm always sick), I can't get elected to the positions I want, I can't get the grades I want, my apartment's a mess, and I'm not even good enough for any man! AND FUCK I CAN'T FREAKING TYPE AAAAAHHHH

OK I'm back, it's been five minutes and I think I've calmed down a bit and collected my thoughts. It's been an overwhelming few days and I just feel like I really need a vacation. Yes, I've reached the conclusion, that what I need right now is a break, a REAL break, a REAL vacation, because going home just stresses me out more. So far, all I've had is work, home, work home...and it's just too much, I'm popping. This is me, popping. Mentally and physically falling apart completely! How can I be expected to perform under these circumstances? I need a HOLIDAY. I need to tell my parents that it's all over and I need a break, and I need to go somewhere near a beach, get a hotel and HANG OUT. alone. no friends. friends are stressful too. Well, maybe one because alone can be just unsafe. I need one of these soon...so I could just do a spa day? I will see, Nikita is actually trying to plan one. I think a few days on a California beach would be nice!

I am so over Ajay, thank God. I mean he's cool to talk to sometimes (mainly because he's always online) but other than that, I don't like him. I don't think he's attractive, and I don't think he's all that interesting either - and of course, he still treats me badly. He doesn't care whether I'm around or not, so in the immortal words of some girl here at UMKC: "why make someone a priority when they make you an option?"

So yes, I have decided that I need to finish studying for this test and then blow it away. After this, I should start planning my "vacation." I'm going to the beach, even if it's only for a weekend, I need a holiday. Or if I can only muster up a spa day in the next few months, that's happening. It is happening, I need it so that I can put myself back together, both mentally and physically, because I really am falling apart piece by piece and this glueing back together can only last so long.

Dear Anne,

I have been rather sick the past couple of days. I just got back from my trip to DC which was disappointing as I had expected, and then of course ended up with a migraine and much dizziness here, only to find myself now one day away from an already extended test and with worries as to making things up and having to meet with people once I fully recuperate.

I just feel overwhelmed right now, and still not to my full healthy self. Everything hurts my stomach and I always feel nauseated, and I just feel not fully there, disoriented and lost, rather confused at all times - which of course is not good for school. Perhaps I should go to bed now.

Dear Anne,

Today was Nikita's birthday! It was a lot of fun. We went out to dinner after class: me , her, Kavita, and Vineet to Blue Koi which I think I like. I got "ants on a tree" which had "bean noodles" that I don't know if I like. I still have some in the fridge I should finish...there's so much food in there.

After that we went out to George Brett's to start the drinking and there were a lot of people there at first but of course that dwindled down soon enough. Nikita took I think six shots there! Kavi bought her a "blow job" which she had to take without using her hands...she had to pick it up off the table using her mouth to make it look like she was giving a blow job, how clever...lol. It was a lot of fun! I was DD today so I didn't drink at all. Afterwards we headed over to Tomfooleries and she took a couple more shots there, and Kavi drank a little at both places too. For a while she was tipsy! Some of her friends came and met us up also and some of them stayed with til Tomfooleries. One of them wouldn't stop flirting with me and it really made me uncomfortable because I didn't know him and he was of course too old for me. And I was kind of annoyed/uncomfortable at the fact that Suchit and Nikita were all over each other at Tomfooleries just because I felt it my duty to stop that...I was supposed to take care of them! I didn't quite know what to do, but I decided to try and distract her so he couldn't kiss her or something but he did manage to do a lot of cheek kisses and wouldn't fucking take his arms off of her! I can't believe he's so thick that he didn't get the message...especially since he shouldn't have been all over a girl that was way more drunk than he was (he was totally sober) so I was surprised that he would be like that. I mean, I know he really really likes her and she did kiss him on the cheek first, but she was sooo smashed! And they have talked about this so much! I don't know, I felt bad for keeping pulling her away, but I didn't want to regret not doing so the next day. And I asked Kavi for advice who told me to really intervene if there was kissing -- because that's blatantly him taking advantage of her. It didn't get to that point.

I really like Kavi, she's so much fun! She may be conservative, but she knows how to enjoy herself if she wants to. And it was really nice to have her to talk to about the Suchit thing, because I desperately needed another opinion on what I should do and I think she gave a very good one. She's so much fun, I'm sad to see her go tomorrow.

Overall, it was an awesome night! I hope Nikita remembers it as fun. We're going to have some awesome pictures to put up.

Dear Anne,

I re-read Ajay's email to me. He is so angry with me. Everything I wrote to him he shoots down, and I can tell I was...am...so wrong. I never deserved anyone to care about me in the first place, and when by whatever accident someone did, I ruined it, of course. I feel so bad. I wanted to email him but I don't think I will. I don't think he will ever speak to me again but that is better for him. I want to kill myself now.

Last night was snowball, and I feel like I made a complete slut of myself. I should not drink so much, because I seriously did NOT mean to kiss one of those guys...he just did, and when I'm drunk I guess it's harder for me to stop things that have already started - not a good thing. It was a lot of fun, though. I danced a bunch with a bunch of random people. Bhavi was so sweet, he told me I remind him of Nelly Furtado, so when her song came on he said I absolutely had to dance with him! How sweet. It was a rather drama-filled night though. Dhani & Amy were busy seriously discussing something about some guy, Watkins ended up in some trouble with a few of his fraternity brothers because his...over-friendliness while drunk, and then he ended the night passed out on some table. I never could wake him up. I should call him. I hope he's doing OK. I tried to get that cute guy Vineet from the unit over to dance with me but he wouldn't dance, he just stood there awkwardly...I don't know what the deal was but I eventually gave up. I accidentally blew up at Nikita because she told me to leave her and Pareen alone again, which of course upset me and pissed me off. I apologized soon afterwards and she wasn't mad or anything, but I still felt SO bad for yelling at her like that. I mean, I didn't yell, I just started crying and walked off, and when she came to stop me I whispered to her that I just don't know what to do anymore, and that I basically give up. Aalok was there too, and I had kind of wanted to talk to him, but of course, the first thing out of his mouth was "hey, did you tell anybody anything, because I heard..." and so I got pissed off at him. Nikita was crying most of the night because of Pareen, and then he got pissed at her because apparently her friends (not me) were "glaring" at him and one of them actually did yell at him - so he yelled at Nikita back, because he's not man enough to do otherwise. He was being a whiny bitch, as usual.

Overall, it was an eventful night, let's say. Started off promising and fun, ended with rather a lot of drama but not so much for me. I don't really care about the kissing because I was drunk and did stop it after it was initiated, even if I was delayed in doing so. I didn't personally have much drama except for upsetting Nikita but I apologized profusely for it and I didn't actually yell or anything. If Vineet wasn't interested in me, or whatever, that's fine, I'll live. I'm not particularly attached to him. And Aalok can go fuck himself because he sure as hell isn't getting anything from me - I mean, what if I TELL someone?! His hand won't tell. Poor Watkins, I hope he's feeling better, I don't know what's up with that, and I think Amy & Dhani had just had way too much to drink and they seemed better today.

I have such a headache and I had the dizziness a little...I think I will go take my medicine in a little bit. The only question is - which one? The migraine meds or the dizziness meds? Ah, the difficulties of life.

Ajay sent me an email in reply to the long one I sent him. He basically said what I should have expected him to: that he apologized for nothing and had done nothing wrong, and if I interpreted things wrong, that's my own fault. He also said this is probably the best thing for both of us, since we're both really stressed out and each have our own problems to deal with, especially since we'll never be together anyway. So fine, that's probably true - it is the best thing for both of us. I'm not even sad about it.

Dear Anne,

I am so resentful of the fact that this is my first year to go to Snowball, and I won't have a date (a real date, who asked me) and I won't be going out to a nice dinner like you're supposed to. No one my age does that anymore, because they've already gone out to Brio for two years past. It's not fair. Why am I not good enough to be asked by anybody? Why am I not good enough to get to go out to a nice dinner before the dance? What's wrong with me? Why am I so fucking worthless?! I hate myself and I want to die. I don't want to go. I just want to die. I'm not going to have any fun, I knew I wouldn't. It's not fair. Fucking Ajay, he never cared about me either. I so wanted to go to his ball with him and he went with fucking Shruti. God I hate him, I hate him so much. If he had just fucking looked up from his fucking computer for 10 minutes that night...just 10 minutes if he had paid attention to me or called me...if he had cared...I might not have cut my throat...I might not have ended up in the backseat of a police car being taken to the Emergency Room...and he didn't even care that that happened to me...my God I hate him so much, he didn't even care!! I hate him. I really really hate him. And I hate my life. Why God why, why did you make me live this life? I wish I had never been born. Oh my head hurts so bad, and I can't study...no matter what I do I'm always going to be stupid and worthless. So stupid and worthless. I hate myself.

I felt so terribly sick Thursday, I kept getting dizzy every few seconds, and feeling faint like I was going to black out. I ended up being completely worthless and getting so angry and frustrated with the world that I had an emotional breakdown on my way back to class after break and was crying in there for a good 15 minutes. I was just so angry about things...Nikita kept letting herself get used by Pareen, my doctor ignored all the times I told her I felt faint and dizzy, the printers were slow so I got back to class late, all the red lights and slow cars in the world seemed to be in front of me when I needed to be somewhere, Dr. Thompsons a freaking hypocrite who shows up to meetings late and doesn't do things on time like he says he will and then doesn't feel its "unprofessional"! I was just so sick of it all, and Angie says that when the printers started going slow it was the last straw and I just exploded...and all of my anger from various places and times came pouring out. It was so embarassing to sit in class crying like that. I went to the doctor yesterday and got some medicine for the dizziness and Angie talked me through understanding that emotional breakdown and so now I feel better about things. She taught me how to deal with my extreme emotions when they seem to be engulfing me completely.

I am thinking about de-friending Ajay on facebook. I keep checking it to see what Shruti and Ajay are up to and that's just not normal. I just want to punch the girl, she's such a moron. But at the same time...I don't stop thinking about him either. She just won over me - she's got the guy, and I've got nothing. I need to stop thinking about him and checking his facebook.

I just yelled at my mom on the phone. I've been doing that a little lately, but that's just because she tries so hard to be nice but it's just annoying. Always, "are you ok?'" "what's wrong?" "it'll be ok" even when nothing is wrong. She just assumes that there is based on my tone of voice, and it's annoying because there isn't anything wrong and then I feel patronized like an idiot! I need to calm down...I'm always so angry...maybe I need anger management.