Dear Anne,
Things between me & my roomate have gone back to normal, except that I am still weary of her on the inside, but she doesn't know that. I just cut my fingernails and toenails and painted my toenails (my fingernails are already painted). I feel...clean. It's so much easier to type with trimmed fingernails. and I feel...pretty. Rosepetals for toenails, I love it. I painted them red, scarlet red. My fingernails are painted pink.
I'm listening to Hey There Delilah right now. It's such a sweet and good song.
You know what's interesting? 33 people died in the Virginia Tech shooting. It was very sad, they were innocent and didn't deserve it. People all over the country are talking about how to prevent that happening again. 400,000 people have died in 4 years of outright killing and torture in Darfur...but that's not all over the radio. I don't understand. Yes, every life is equally tragic...but why do something about one abstract problem that you probably can't easily solve with months, years of discussion....and do nothing about something that has an straightforward political solution? I just don't understand. One was a senseless act of confusion and anger, the other is a systematic killing off of a population by an organized government...why does no one see which can be dealt with immediately and which can't? I just don't understand.
26 April, 2007
25 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am still hurt about what happened with my roomate and my other friends, but I think it's unfair to blame it on just her. I don't know how to tell the rest of them though, because I know they won't care. I will just not sit by them in class for a while, for my own well-being. I still cant look at my roomate the same way which is unfair but she is also supposed to be my best friend and I really just don't trust her anymore.
I also just ate some food my mom left me, and halfway through realized that it might be bad but continued eating because I figured I'd already eaten so much. I hope I don't get sick or anything.
I just wrote out a Press Release for the rally on Friday, and sent it to be edited by STAND. I need to send it out in the coming days. I SO hope a news outlet is interested in writing about the Rally, and that the Rally goes well! Roseanne has been so helpful, it's really nice to have someone help me plan it. AND I got one of my letters to the editor of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES approved! Its gonna be printed, I don't know when, but they asked me about editing and details and stuff! I'm so excited.
So politically my life is going very well, everything outside of school. School itself and social life are a nightmare. Boys suck, I chase after the wrong ones, friends suck, I have the wrong ones, grades suck, i earn the wrong ones...ugh.
I am still hurt about what happened with my roomate and my other friends, but I think it's unfair to blame it on just her. I don't know how to tell the rest of them though, because I know they won't care. I will just not sit by them in class for a while, for my own well-being. I still cant look at my roomate the same way which is unfair but she is also supposed to be my best friend and I really just don't trust her anymore.
I also just ate some food my mom left me, and halfway through realized that it might be bad but continued eating because I figured I'd already eaten so much. I hope I don't get sick or anything.
I just wrote out a Press Release for the rally on Friday, and sent it to be edited by STAND. I need to send it out in the coming days. I SO hope a news outlet is interested in writing about the Rally, and that the Rally goes well! Roseanne has been so helpful, it's really nice to have someone help me plan it. AND I got one of my letters to the editor of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES approved! Its gonna be printed, I don't know when, but they asked me about editing and details and stuff! I'm so excited.
So politically my life is going very well, everything outside of school. School itself and social life are a nightmare. Boys suck, I chase after the wrong ones, friends suck, I have the wrong ones, grades suck, i earn the wrong ones...ugh.
Dear Anne,
I feel so worthless and stupid right now. My "best friend" just gave me an example of how much she really cares about me, and she's trying to apologize right now, but they say actions speak louder than words. I always knew none of my friends cared about me really...except her. But she just proved she's one of them too. And I just can't shake that conviction, no matter how much she asks me to. I feel like a complete idiot, no one cares about me, I'm stupid and worthless and have no friends and probably don't deserve any...which is why it ends up like this every single time. I just want to die again. And this time I have a real reason - I truly have no one to live for. I used to think maybe she would be sad if she lost me, at least a little...but I don't think so anymore, and I regret calling her when I was in the ER that day. I'm sure I was just so much of an inconvenience for her. I hate myself. I want to die. I hope I die soon.
I feel so worthless and stupid right now. My "best friend" just gave me an example of how much she really cares about me, and she's trying to apologize right now, but they say actions speak louder than words. I always knew none of my friends cared about me really...except her. But she just proved she's one of them too. And I just can't shake that conviction, no matter how much she asks me to. I feel like a complete idiot, no one cares about me, I'm stupid and worthless and have no friends and probably don't deserve any...which is why it ends up like this every single time. I just want to die again. And this time I have a real reason - I truly have no one to live for. I used to think maybe she would be sad if she lost me, at least a little...but I don't think so anymore, and I regret calling her when I was in the ER that day. I'm sure I was just so much of an inconvenience for her. I hate myself. I want to die. I hope I die soon.
23 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am having such miserable days lately. Let's see...I've been super-busy, irritated, and frustrated with life in general for at least the past week. Only politics has been keeping me happy. I spend all my time on nytimes.com reading every article i can, and usually commenting or writing a letter on many of them. This is apparently all I care about now. French presidential elections are coming up later this week (second round, between a socialist female and a conservative male, the conservative the favorite), healthcare is declining quickly (and further), the supreme court is turning conservative with Bush's new appointments (overturning abortion rights laws), and things are just going wack all over the place.
As far as my own life, I am angry at many inanimate objects, I'm too busy, I can't concentrate/study, no matter how much I study I still get a C, sorority is finally ending bc its just too hectic now, my room and apt are a mess, all food is disgusting, i am getting fat, blah blah blah. And on top of all of this, I find myself falling for Aalok Patel and I think I must be insane to do so, b/c he is known for and constantly proves to me that he treats women like shit. He said he would call, of course he didnt and just happened to im me (how did he know i would be online at midnight?! he didnt plan to talk to me at all) and then said he's going to be taking the easiest class he can over the internet (he said he would take the same classes i do so he could spend time w/ me...uhhh??? internet time?! wtf) and that was the end of that conversation. Ugh. why do i fall for jackasses? simple: b/c i want attention and they pretend to give it to me just to get in my pants, and then when they realize they can't get in my pants, i've already fallen for their alter (lying) ego and they ditch me, only to my poor heart's dismay. that is my life. i hate my life.
I am having such miserable days lately. Let's see...I've been super-busy, irritated, and frustrated with life in general for at least the past week. Only politics has been keeping me happy. I spend all my time on nytimes.com reading every article i can, and usually commenting or writing a letter on many of them. This is apparently all I care about now. French presidential elections are coming up later this week (second round, between a socialist female and a conservative male, the conservative the favorite), healthcare is declining quickly (and further), the supreme court is turning conservative with Bush's new appointments (overturning abortion rights laws), and things are just going wack all over the place.
As far as my own life, I am angry at many inanimate objects, I'm too busy, I can't concentrate/study, no matter how much I study I still get a C, sorority is finally ending bc its just too hectic now, my room and apt are a mess, all food is disgusting, i am getting fat, blah blah blah. And on top of all of this, I find myself falling for Aalok Patel and I think I must be insane to do so, b/c he is known for and constantly proves to me that he treats women like shit. He said he would call, of course he didnt and just happened to im me (how did he know i would be online at midnight?! he didnt plan to talk to me at all) and then said he's going to be taking the easiest class he can over the internet (he said he would take the same classes i do so he could spend time w/ me...uhhh??? internet time?! wtf) and that was the end of that conversation. Ugh. why do i fall for jackasses? simple: b/c i want attention and they pretend to give it to me just to get in my pants, and then when they realize they can't get in my pants, i've already fallen for their alter (lying) ego and they ditch me, only to my poor heart's dismay. that is my life. i hate my life.
22 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
Everyday is so monotonous and taxing now; I wake up past noon with a huge headache all nauseated and disgusting, whisk away to obligations I wish I didn't have, and find myself late at night perusing the internet for political brouhahas writing letters to the editors of the New York Times - and not a page farther in my studying. I am getting sick of all this. I wish I had a better schedule, I need to exercise, take my medicines on time, eat well and take care of myself! I sleep so much that it's hurting me more than helping, and I just always feel so sickly...it's not helping my efficiency as a medical student.
Everyday is so monotonous and taxing now; I wake up past noon with a huge headache all nauseated and disgusting, whisk away to obligations I wish I didn't have, and find myself late at night perusing the internet for political brouhahas writing letters to the editors of the New York Times - and not a page farther in my studying. I am getting sick of all this. I wish I had a better schedule, I need to exercise, take my medicines on time, eat well and take care of myself! I sleep so much that it's hurting me more than helping, and I just always feel so sickly...it's not helping my efficiency as a medical student.
19 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am getting so overwhelmed with everything around me, and so stressed out. I don't know why I do this to myself...there's nothing for me to be stressed out about, I just do it to myself! My rally is going well and I really needn't worry about it, it's not my job to be stressed out for my roomate's life (which is going fine now anyway), and as for grades, well, studying and school is all that I ever do so I just need to calm down! I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm so easily frustrated, which makes me angry, which makes me sad, which makes me insane. I just wish I could calm down. And I need to stop talking to Aalok, because I called him again and of course he doesn't actually have my number programmed into his phone and he's at home anyway and assumes I only want to talk to him to fool around tonight so tells me he is in another state so there's basically not point in talking....goddamn him he doesn't know how to take a girl liking him! Ugh.
I am getting so overwhelmed with everything around me, and so stressed out. I don't know why I do this to myself...there's nothing for me to be stressed out about, I just do it to myself! My rally is going well and I really needn't worry about it, it's not my job to be stressed out for my roomate's life (which is going fine now anyway), and as for grades, well, studying and school is all that I ever do so I just need to calm down! I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm so easily frustrated, which makes me angry, which makes me sad, which makes me insane. I just wish I could calm down. And I need to stop talking to Aalok, because I called him again and of course he doesn't actually have my number programmed into his phone and he's at home anyway and assumes I only want to talk to him to fool around tonight so tells me he is in another state so there's basically not point in talking....goddamn him he doesn't know how to take a girl liking him! Ugh.
18 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I have just been so miserable the past few days! I've been depressed and crying, eating junk and wanting to throw it up, my head is always hurting and I feel so fat...I've just been so stressed out! And to top it all off (or perhaps this is the cause?) I haven't taken my medicines on time - any of them. I just wish that I could not be fat, my clothes would still fit me and that my head would just STOP HURTING. I feel like a whiny baby not being able to function because it's in pain, but I just can't. I hurts so bad, and I'm just getting really sick of it. It needs to stop, someone needs to fucking figure out what's wrong with it already! Everyone always tells me it's a stress headache, but you know what, it's been pretty severe all of my life nearly every day and when nothing makes it better - not relaxing, not food, not water, and not even medicine - someone needs to fucking figure out what's wrong!
I'm just so sick of everything in the world lately, I'm so stressed with life. Nikita is driving me up the fucking wall. She's always talking, always giggling, always whining and complaining or cyring..the girl doesn't shut up! Not for a second! Not even in class! And I sit there and I listen patiently because I know she's been going through some tough times but she doesn't listen to a word I tell her and continues to fuck up her life, and then I have to be patient with her whether I want to or not, whatever else may be going on in the world. And yet she still treats me like an idiot - "don't take that street" why not?! They both lead to the same place, why the fuck is your street better than mine? AAAAH. It's so stupid. But it's annoying! For the past three months, no payments on the phone bill, thanks. Every single day - my flip flops are gone. I wear her brown shoes once "oh, you should've told me you were gonna wear them...it's a good thing I decided not to today" UGH. well i figured we werent asking each other since I always want to wear my flip flops but can't b/c you always have them. And all day today I just wanted to smack her b/c I told her multiple times i have a headache and what does she do? Talk as loud as she possibly can while sitting next to me tipsy in the car (during class time!). Oh, and continues to look at me like I'm stupid. I'm so irritated right now it's ridiculous. I just...I feel like, she thinks everything I suggest, do, or say, is automatically stupid b/c it's me, and everything she does or thinks is better. That's not fair. It's really annoying and I wish I didn't have to put up with it all the time, and I would tell her, but she's having that "tough time" right now and I don't want to be the bitch that stresses her out some more. I think she may actually b/c the cause of all the stress/anxiety, headache, sleepiness, depressed feelings right now. Ugh.
I need to calm down. And stop spending so much money on food, I'm getting fat. And she makes me feel worse by not eating anything and then continually talking about how she's lost 5-10 pounds while I've gained it...thanks, that's really nice of you to repeatedly say even though you know that I'm really conscious about my weight. I'm so fucking worthless. I just need to die, all of this would be solved.
I have just been so miserable the past few days! I've been depressed and crying, eating junk and wanting to throw it up, my head is always hurting and I feel so fat...I've just been so stressed out! And to top it all off (or perhaps this is the cause?) I haven't taken my medicines on time - any of them. I just wish that I could not be fat, my clothes would still fit me and that my head would just STOP HURTING. I feel like a whiny baby not being able to function because it's in pain, but I just can't. I hurts so bad, and I'm just getting really sick of it. It needs to stop, someone needs to fucking figure out what's wrong with it already! Everyone always tells me it's a stress headache, but you know what, it's been pretty severe all of my life nearly every day and when nothing makes it better - not relaxing, not food, not water, and not even medicine - someone needs to fucking figure out what's wrong!
I'm just so sick of everything in the world lately, I'm so stressed with life. Nikita is driving me up the fucking wall. She's always talking, always giggling, always whining and complaining or cyring..the girl doesn't shut up! Not for a second! Not even in class! And I sit there and I listen patiently because I know she's been going through some tough times but she doesn't listen to a word I tell her and continues to fuck up her life, and then I have to be patient with her whether I want to or not, whatever else may be going on in the world. And yet she still treats me like an idiot - "don't take that street" why not?! They both lead to the same place, why the fuck is your street better than mine? AAAAH. It's so stupid. But it's annoying! For the past three months, no payments on the phone bill, thanks. Every single day - my flip flops are gone. I wear her brown shoes once "oh, you should've told me you were gonna wear them...it's a good thing I decided not to today" UGH. well i figured we werent asking each other since I always want to wear my flip flops but can't b/c you always have them. And all day today I just wanted to smack her b/c I told her multiple times i have a headache and what does she do? Talk as loud as she possibly can while sitting next to me tipsy in the car (during class time!). Oh, and continues to look at me like I'm stupid. I'm so irritated right now it's ridiculous. I just...I feel like, she thinks everything I suggest, do, or say, is automatically stupid b/c it's me, and everything she does or thinks is better. That's not fair. It's really annoying and I wish I didn't have to put up with it all the time, and I would tell her, but she's having that "tough time" right now and I don't want to be the bitch that stresses her out some more. I think she may actually b/c the cause of all the stress/anxiety, headache, sleepiness, depressed feelings right now. Ugh.
I need to calm down. And stop spending so much money on food, I'm getting fat. And she makes me feel worse by not eating anything and then continually talking about how she's lost 5-10 pounds while I've gained it...thanks, that's really nice of you to repeatedly say even though you know that I'm really conscious about my weight. I'm so fucking worthless. I just need to die, all of this would be solved.
17 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
He doesn't care about me at all, I'm so ugly I'm just someone to have sex with sometimes when there's no one else better. I don't have the option to not give in, that's all he wants from me and if I take too long he'll get it from someone else. I need to not feel alone...I want him to tell me I'm pretty. I know it's a lie but I believe it when he says it, he's such a good liar. I just want to cry and cry and cry and cry myself to sleep and I think I will tonight. My stomach hurts so bad...ugh god everything hurts it. I'm getting so fat my clothes look tight on me and they don't fit I'm such a fat ugly pig.
He doesn't care about me at all, I'm so ugly I'm just someone to have sex with sometimes when there's no one else better. I don't have the option to not give in, that's all he wants from me and if I take too long he'll get it from someone else. I need to not feel alone...I want him to tell me I'm pretty. I know it's a lie but I believe it when he says it, he's such a good liar. I just want to cry and cry and cry and cry myself to sleep and I think I will tonight. My stomach hurts so bad...ugh god everything hurts it. I'm getting so fat my clothes look tight on me and they don't fit I'm such a fat ugly pig.
Dear Anne,
It's 3am and I just got up a half hour ago after falling asleep at 8pm...I was soo tired today. I felt like total crap because I didn't get enough sleep last night and it didn't help that I had morning report (which I skipped anyway), clinic, class, CPC in between, and an AMSA meeting afterwards, so I didn't get home til 7pm. I was exhausted, so I came home, showered, ate, and went straight to bed and here I am feeling MUCH better! Especially since I desperately needed to wash my hair and I finally got some shampoo (TIGI Catwalk Curl Rocks...love the stuff!).
Hopefully I can make to Orchestra Sectionals tomorrow...I need to practice. I also need to start putting up my Rally flyers all over campus, Med school first tomorrow. Ugh, it's so difficult to plan, especially when you're doing it mainly by yourself and don't know what you're doing! Although I must say, national STAND is really helping me out! I love it. Let's hope this goes well, we made posters today!
It's 3am and I just got up a half hour ago after falling asleep at 8pm...I was soo tired today. I felt like total crap because I didn't get enough sleep last night and it didn't help that I had morning report (which I skipped anyway), clinic, class, CPC in between, and an AMSA meeting afterwards, so I didn't get home til 7pm. I was exhausted, so I came home, showered, ate, and went straight to bed and here I am feeling MUCH better! Especially since I desperately needed to wash my hair and I finally got some shampoo (TIGI Catwalk Curl Rocks...love the stuff!).
Hopefully I can make to Orchestra Sectionals tomorrow...I need to practice. I also need to start putting up my Rally flyers all over campus, Med school first tomorrow. Ugh, it's so difficult to plan, especially when you're doing it mainly by yourself and don't know what you're doing! Although I must say, national STAND is really helping me out! I love it. Let's hope this goes well, we made posters today!
16 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
Today was a pretty benign day. I started off going to Sojourner and it was pretty smoothly operated, thank goodness! There was a photographer there from the Sun, so I got his boss's information to contact him about the rally also. After that I came home, napped, bought some stuff for my terrible acne on my freaking forehead, and then went to the house for meeting, which was informal and quick, thank goodness! I totally skipped the Greek Week banquet but I just don't care anymore. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone or do anything, I just wanted to be back at home in my pajamas doing something productive like studying or writing an Op-Ed. I need to advertise more on campus, both main and SOM. I will put up flyers tomorrow. That's pretty much all I'm going to work on this week. I'm totally BS-ing everything for CUES but it's just not important so I don't care and I won't waste my time with it. All this week will be slight studying and waaay advertising and working on the rally to get media!! Tomorrow - poster making!
Today was a pretty benign day. I started off going to Sojourner and it was pretty smoothly operated, thank goodness! There was a photographer there from the Sun, so I got his boss's information to contact him about the rally also. After that I came home, napped, bought some stuff for my terrible acne on my freaking forehead, and then went to the house for meeting, which was informal and quick, thank goodness! I totally skipped the Greek Week banquet but I just don't care anymore. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone or do anything, I just wanted to be back at home in my pajamas doing something productive like studying or writing an Op-Ed. I need to advertise more on campus, both main and SOM. I will put up flyers tomorrow. That's pretty much all I'm going to work on this week. I'm totally BS-ing everything for CUES but it's just not important so I don't care and I won't waste my time with it. All this week will be slight studying and waaay advertising and working on the rally to get media!! Tomorrow - poster making!
15 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
Oh my goodness, today was such a ridiculously good day! Those are so rare now though...I remember when I used to get them more often. We started out waking up late for community service day (which was OK b/c we were clean-up crew) and so we got there and were assigned pretty easy jobs - I was on B/P station, which is really easy for me now, and the flow of kids was pretty slow. We did that for a couple hours and then cleaned up, so really we only volunteered for about 3-4 hours at most, and had a blast doing it b/c everyone there was pretty cool. Then me & my roomate headed to the plaza to go shopping for birthday presents but ended up shopping for ourselves, of course! We bought panties and tried on tons of dresses, all of them too expensive and few of them looking OK. Then we came back home and had our usual girly talk/bitch session about boys and sat around. I left then and went to dinner with the family which was a lot of fun, b/c they were being really funny. My roomate just now got home from making dinner at another friend's house. Overall, pretty good day for us!
Although, there are two things in my life right now that bring tears to my eyes, and did so today - the way Aalok treated me and made me feel the other night, and reminders of old, sad days. I told Ajay about what happened with Aalok two nights ago and he was so pissed, and I was so sad. I cannot believe that Aalok looks at me like a slut he can have whenever he pleases...I don't want to be that to him, and I never meant to be that. I can't do it, I would regret it forever. And as far as sad memories, Nikita just mentioned something about two summers ago and how much she loved it...and said "oh but you were a hermit" so nonchalantly and it broke my heart. She said it like it meant nothing to her that I wasn't around. It didn't mean anything to her. She didn't care, she just said it was an awesome summer for her. It brings back all those feelings I had that summer, all that feelings that brought me down into depression, that made me hate myself and distrust all those around me...all those feelings that have destroyed my life. They all come rushing back like they're new and fresh and sharp. And they hurt. I need to call Aalok and tell him he can't treat me like that, because I'm not like that and I will never be.
Oh my goodness, today was such a ridiculously good day! Those are so rare now though...I remember when I used to get them more often. We started out waking up late for community service day (which was OK b/c we were clean-up crew) and so we got there and were assigned pretty easy jobs - I was on B/P station, which is really easy for me now, and the flow of kids was pretty slow. We did that for a couple hours and then cleaned up, so really we only volunteered for about 3-4 hours at most, and had a blast doing it b/c everyone there was pretty cool. Then me & my roomate headed to the plaza to go shopping for birthday presents but ended up shopping for ourselves, of course! We bought panties and tried on tons of dresses, all of them too expensive and few of them looking OK. Then we came back home and had our usual girly talk/bitch session about boys and sat around. I left then and went to dinner with the family which was a lot of fun, b/c they were being really funny. My roomate just now got home from making dinner at another friend's house. Overall, pretty good day for us!
Although, there are two things in my life right now that bring tears to my eyes, and did so today - the way Aalok treated me and made me feel the other night, and reminders of old, sad days. I told Ajay about what happened with Aalok two nights ago and he was so pissed, and I was so sad. I cannot believe that Aalok looks at me like a slut he can have whenever he pleases...I don't want to be that to him, and I never meant to be that. I can't do it, I would regret it forever. And as far as sad memories, Nikita just mentioned something about two summers ago and how much she loved it...and said "oh but you were a hermit" so nonchalantly and it broke my heart. She said it like it meant nothing to her that I wasn't around. It didn't mean anything to her. She didn't care, she just said it was an awesome summer for her. It brings back all those feelings I had that summer, all that feelings that brought me down into depression, that made me hate myself and distrust all those around me...all those feelings that have destroyed my life. They all come rushing back like they're new and fresh and sharp. And they hurt. I need to call Aalok and tell him he can't treat me like that, because I'm not like that and I will never be.
13 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I spent part of last night with Aalok, and I just wonder...why did I do that? What do I want? I mean...part of me just wanted him to be there because he's cute...and I guess part of me just wanted the physical stuff, but part of me just likes having him there to hold me. And if we never did anything physical...I'd still be OK with him just being there. But that's not what he wanted...I know that. I just can't forget that when he was leaving to pick up his friends he wanted to have sex with me "really quick" and said he would only come back if we would have sex. He wouldn't come back if I just wanted him to hold me...if I had said that...he never would have tried to come back. He just wanted sex. God I'm such a prostitute...
What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me? What's wrong with HIM?! I'm pretty, I'm nice, I'm smart and I'm popular. Why the hell doesn't he want to date me? He just wants sex. And sometimes I think...I don't actually want to date him, I just want to make out with him. But other times I think...I like him and I'm only letting him have his way with me because I want him to like me back. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt, but I don't want to stop either because I want him around. I'm such a messed up little girl. And I always have to pick the really messed up little boys.
I spent part of last night with Aalok, and I just wonder...why did I do that? What do I want? I mean...part of me just wanted him to be there because he's cute...and I guess part of me just wanted the physical stuff, but part of me just likes having him there to hold me. And if we never did anything physical...I'd still be OK with him just being there. But that's not what he wanted...I know that. I just can't forget that when he was leaving to pick up his friends he wanted to have sex with me "really quick" and said he would only come back if we would have sex. He wouldn't come back if I just wanted him to hold me...if I had said that...he never would have tried to come back. He just wanted sex. God I'm such a prostitute...
What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me? What's wrong with HIM?! I'm pretty, I'm nice, I'm smart and I'm popular. Why the hell doesn't he want to date me? He just wants sex. And sometimes I think...I don't actually want to date him, I just want to make out with him. But other times I think...I like him and I'm only letting him have his way with me because I want him to like me back. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt, but I don't want to stop either because I want him around. I'm such a messed up little girl. And I always have to pick the really messed up little boys.
Dear Anne,
Well, I just spent the past hour with Aalok in my bed, cuddling and watching Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately, his friends called and asked him to drive them home from the bar so he had to go...and he had the audacity to ask me to have sex really quick before he left! I was rather insulted...he started trying to unbutton my pants! I told him he could maybe come back and see what happened, but we were definitely NOT having sex in 2 minutes before he left to go pick them up from the bar.
The test was pretty good, I think I got a good grade on it. Like, I think I got a B. I'm pretty happy with myself. And then we went out to Sol basically, and spent most of our time there getting really drunk. Everyone else went to another bar but I couldn't get in because this one carded, so Aalok picked me up and came over, and hence the cuddling. Overall a pretty boring day...is it bad that I really hope he comes back?
Well, I just spent the past hour with Aalok in my bed, cuddling and watching Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately, his friends called and asked him to drive them home from the bar so he had to go...and he had the audacity to ask me to have sex really quick before he left! I was rather insulted...he started trying to unbutton my pants! I told him he could maybe come back and see what happened, but we were definitely NOT having sex in 2 minutes before he left to go pick them up from the bar.
The test was pretty good, I think I got a good grade on it. Like, I think I got a B. I'm pretty happy with myself. And then we went out to Sol basically, and spent most of our time there getting really drunk. Everyone else went to another bar but I couldn't get in because this one carded, so Aalok picked me up and came over, and hence the cuddling. Overall a pretty boring day...is it bad that I really hope he comes back?
12 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I know that I just posted like 5 minutes ago, but I'm not done yet. I've just got this outpouring of feelings and thoughts coming out, and my stomach feels so in pain right now. It feels like it's just so full of acid that's eating out my insides and burning up inside of me. I am burning up inside. I'm so angry at the world, and the people around me, at my "friends." I feel like I have shitty friends that make me feel like shit and I'm angry at them for that. I'm angry at my family for that. None of them has ever been able to be there for me, and I know it must be hard because I'm so fucked up, but not one of them has been able to really help me at all. My roomate tries but in the end she just fucks me up some more - like right now, I'm all messed up right now and my stomach is in pain right now and I can't study and my eyes won't stop tearing up because of things that SHE said, because she's so opinionated sometimes that she just can't help saying things that she KNOWS will make me cry. It's like...she knows my vulnerabilities, my weak spots, and she always uses them. I try to block it out and pretend it doesn't get to me but it does. Almost everytime we have an argument, or even a "discussion" she gets to me, and she says she cares so much about other people and feels so bad on hurting them...she hurts me so much and she doesn't even realize it. And when she does realize it she feels really bad but she doesn't stop either - she will continue to do it for as long as I still talk to her, I know it. And I feel bad because I feel like I can't be a good friend to her right now because I can't stop crying and am furiously typing away on here, but I can't stop. I just can't stop, and I know it's upsetting her but the tears just won't stop coming.
Why is it that my only solution to every problem is to die? Why is everything so catastrophic to me and not to the rest of the world? If someone else got in an upsetting discussion with their friend they would get upset but then apologize, the other would apologize (which she did, many times), and then they'd hug and get over it. I know I kind of hold grudges but really not longer than a few hours. But why is it that everything is so dramatically permanent for me? Why is it that I decide that one upsetting conversation marks the end of a friendship, proof of innate flaws in myself and all others, the basic problems of society, and leaves only one course of action? Why is it that everything leads to suicide for me? Why do I have no other way of solving things? Why can't I look at things the way normal people do?
OK, let's try this, just like Angie would tell me to if she were here. Let's back up. I just had an upsetting conversation with my roomate about friendship, and about a specific person and some events that we disagree on. That's fine, people are allowed to disagree about things, not everyone sees eye to eye about everything. What am I so upset about? That she is friends with someone that hurt me this much (thereby negating my feelings, in my eyes), that this someone cares so much about others but for some reason was such a bitch to me, that my roomate defended this person and challenged my right to think badly of her (which I think I have every right to), and that my roomate challenged my right (and my belief in everyone's right) to judge another on something that may not have anything to do directly with them, and deal with any friendship or possibility of a friendship accordingly. OK, so we disagree on friendships. We are still friends, and for the most part are there for each other whenever the other is in need. She told me that she understands why I feel the way that I feel and apologized for upsetting me and appearing to defend someone that hurt me so. We disagree on the judgement of people and subsequent dealings with friendships. I apologized to her for crying so much, we hugged, and we both apologized profusely for various things. I think I should be fine...OK, I don't need to die over this. I still have her as a friend, we understand where the other is coming from, and we agree to disagree. We even ended our conversation with "well different people are different." This is true. We are different people and we see our dealings with friendships and our expectations of friends differently. I do not need to kill myself over this. I do not need to kill myself over this. This does not make me a bad person. I cannot help being upset, but need to realize that she does not hate me, just disagrees with me on something, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personality. I do not need to kill myself over this. I do not need to kill myself because of this. I am a good person, I care a lot about a lot of people, however I may choose those people and however I may show that caring, and I am a good friend and good person. The things that I engage in and care about DO matter, and even the small things I do, like plan this rally that few people will know about, and none outside of KCMO, will still make a small difference in the eyes of the community around me, and changing the mind or opening the mind of even one person is effective and will help end the genocide in Darfur. I have every right to choose who and what I care about and my impact on this world IS important. I do not need to die over my argument, or my misguided thought that perhaps I am not influential in this world. What I do, think, say, and care about ARE IMPORTANT. My friends do genuinely consider me a good person, that is why they are my friends. One thing will not and does not have to end a friendship completely. Stop seeing things in all black and white, not everything is perfect, sometimes friendships hit rocky grounds but they settle down again. That does not mean they end.
I think I will be OK.
I know that I just posted like 5 minutes ago, but I'm not done yet. I've just got this outpouring of feelings and thoughts coming out, and my stomach feels so in pain right now. It feels like it's just so full of acid that's eating out my insides and burning up inside of me. I am burning up inside. I'm so angry at the world, and the people around me, at my "friends." I feel like I have shitty friends that make me feel like shit and I'm angry at them for that. I'm angry at my family for that. None of them has ever been able to be there for me, and I know it must be hard because I'm so fucked up, but not one of them has been able to really help me at all. My roomate tries but in the end she just fucks me up some more - like right now, I'm all messed up right now and my stomach is in pain right now and I can't study and my eyes won't stop tearing up because of things that SHE said, because she's so opinionated sometimes that she just can't help saying things that she KNOWS will make me cry. It's like...she knows my vulnerabilities, my weak spots, and she always uses them. I try to block it out and pretend it doesn't get to me but it does. Almost everytime we have an argument, or even a "discussion" she gets to me, and she says she cares so much about other people and feels so bad on hurting them...she hurts me so much and she doesn't even realize it. And when she does realize it she feels really bad but she doesn't stop either - she will continue to do it for as long as I still talk to her, I know it. And I feel bad because I feel like I can't be a good friend to her right now because I can't stop crying and am furiously typing away on here, but I can't stop. I just can't stop, and I know it's upsetting her but the tears just won't stop coming.
Why is it that my only solution to every problem is to die? Why is everything so catastrophic to me and not to the rest of the world? If someone else got in an upsetting discussion with their friend they would get upset but then apologize, the other would apologize (which she did, many times), and then they'd hug and get over it. I know I kind of hold grudges but really not longer than a few hours. But why is it that everything is so dramatically permanent for me? Why is it that I decide that one upsetting conversation marks the end of a friendship, proof of innate flaws in myself and all others, the basic problems of society, and leaves only one course of action? Why is it that everything leads to suicide for me? Why do I have no other way of solving things? Why can't I look at things the way normal people do?
OK, let's try this, just like Angie would tell me to if she were here. Let's back up. I just had an upsetting conversation with my roomate about friendship, and about a specific person and some events that we disagree on. That's fine, people are allowed to disagree about things, not everyone sees eye to eye about everything. What am I so upset about? That she is friends with someone that hurt me this much (thereby negating my feelings, in my eyes), that this someone cares so much about others but for some reason was such a bitch to me, that my roomate defended this person and challenged my right to think badly of her (which I think I have every right to), and that my roomate challenged my right (and my belief in everyone's right) to judge another on something that may not have anything to do directly with them, and deal with any friendship or possibility of a friendship accordingly. OK, so we disagree on friendships. We are still friends, and for the most part are there for each other whenever the other is in need. She told me that she understands why I feel the way that I feel and apologized for upsetting me and appearing to defend someone that hurt me so. We disagree on the judgement of people and subsequent dealings with friendships. I apologized to her for crying so much, we hugged, and we both apologized profusely for various things. I think I should be fine...OK, I don't need to die over this. I still have her as a friend, we understand where the other is coming from, and we agree to disagree. We even ended our conversation with "well different people are different." This is true. We are different people and we see our dealings with friendships and our expectations of friends differently. I do not need to kill myself over this. I do not need to kill myself over this. This does not make me a bad person. I cannot help being upset, but need to realize that she does not hate me, just disagrees with me on something, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personality. I do not need to kill myself over this. I do not need to kill myself because of this. I am a good person, I care a lot about a lot of people, however I may choose those people and however I may show that caring, and I am a good friend and good person. The things that I engage in and care about DO matter, and even the small things I do, like plan this rally that few people will know about, and none outside of KCMO, will still make a small difference in the eyes of the community around me, and changing the mind or opening the mind of even one person is effective and will help end the genocide in Darfur. I have every right to choose who and what I care about and my impact on this world IS important. I do not need to die over my argument, or my misguided thought that perhaps I am not influential in this world. What I do, think, say, and care about ARE IMPORTANT. My friends do genuinely consider me a good person, that is why they are my friends. One thing will not and does not have to end a friendship completely. Stop seeing things in all black and white, not everything is perfect, sometimes friendships hit rocky grounds but they settle down again. That does not mean they end.
I think I will be OK.
Dear Anne,
I'm having a conversation with my roomate right now about friendships and judging and choosing friends, treating friends...etc. It's long and confusing now. All I know is that in all honesty, anyone has any right to judge people on things even if they don't directly affect that person. If my friend does a shitty thing that has absolutely nothing to do with me...I have every right to ditch that person completely, because I have the right to choose what kind of people I associate with. It's perfectly OK, I think. And you know what...I was, and am, kind of pissed that my friends are still friends with Janet. She did something so ridiculously shitty, and showed herself not just a "bad friend" but a bitch. A complete and total BITCH. Like, I've never wished bad upon anyone like her. I HATE HER. I want her to die, I want her to have a terrible, shitty, life and I want to suffer and hate life as much as I do.
I hate life. And...I think maybe my roomate is actually a very bad influence on me. I think she confuses me about life and leads me to make choices and act in ways that shouldn't be acceptable to me, but are because they're acceptable to her. I guess everyone is influential if they're close to you, but I wonder if I should have let her get this close. This is all just too complicated for me. I can't get this close to people, I don't like these complications and this trying. I can't do this. I don't want to try this hard to have a relationship with anyone, as terrible as that might sound. I don't deserve to have any kind of a relationship with anyone. I am a bad person. I know I am a bad person, no one knows what goes on in my head, what REALLY goes on in my head, better than I do. And I hate that people are always trying to convince me that I'm a good person because I start believing them...and then I realize who I really am and what I'm really like and then it all comes crashing down from further up, and that hurts all the more. I wish people would just leave me be the way I am, knowing the way I am, and accepting it. I am a bad friend, and I am not made to have any kind of relationships or friendships. I do good things, I fight for people that have nothing, but that is only to redeem my essentially evil "soul" or whatever variation of that human-made word I have. Wow. My mother was right.
I'm having a conversation with my roomate right now about friendships and judging and choosing friends, treating friends...etc. It's long and confusing now. All I know is that in all honesty, anyone has any right to judge people on things even if they don't directly affect that person. If my friend does a shitty thing that has absolutely nothing to do with me...I have every right to ditch that person completely, because I have the right to choose what kind of people I associate with. It's perfectly OK, I think. And you know what...I was, and am, kind of pissed that my friends are still friends with Janet. She did something so ridiculously shitty, and showed herself not just a "bad friend" but a bitch. A complete and total BITCH. Like, I've never wished bad upon anyone like her. I HATE HER. I want her to die, I want her to have a terrible, shitty, life and I want to suffer and hate life as much as I do.
I hate life. And...I think maybe my roomate is actually a very bad influence on me. I think she confuses me about life and leads me to make choices and act in ways that shouldn't be acceptable to me, but are because they're acceptable to her. I guess everyone is influential if they're close to you, but I wonder if I should have let her get this close. This is all just too complicated for me. I can't get this close to people, I don't like these complications and this trying. I can't do this. I don't want to try this hard to have a relationship with anyone, as terrible as that might sound. I don't deserve to have any kind of a relationship with anyone. I am a bad person. I know I am a bad person, no one knows what goes on in my head, what REALLY goes on in my head, better than I do. And I hate that people are always trying to convince me that I'm a good person because I start believing them...and then I realize who I really am and what I'm really like and then it all comes crashing down from further up, and that hurts all the more. I wish people would just leave me be the way I am, knowing the way I am, and accepting it. I am a bad friend, and I am not made to have any kind of relationships or friendships. I do good things, I fight for people that have nothing, but that is only to redeem my essentially evil "soul" or whatever variation of that human-made word I have. Wow. My mother was right.
11 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I canNOT study today whatsoever, which is bad because tomorrow afternoon's the test and I need to do well, considering my grades on the two previous exams. It's freezing cold at the med school and for some reason I'm just out of it and blah and sad and I just can't think straight or concentrate...I'm having so much trouble typing right now b/c my fingers are numb. And I think I'm hungry again. I'm always hungry.
Life is pretty boring. I dont think I'm going to be drinking after this test or I'm going to end up doing something stupid with some boy that's gonna land me into trouble once everyone sobers up. Alcohol is NOT a good decision making tool. Ugh.
I canNOT study today whatsoever, which is bad because tomorrow afternoon's the test and I need to do well, considering my grades on the two previous exams. It's freezing cold at the med school and for some reason I'm just out of it and blah and sad and I just can't think straight or concentrate...I'm having so much trouble typing right now b/c my fingers are numb. And I think I'm hungry again. I'm always hungry.
Life is pretty boring. I dont think I'm going to be drinking after this test or I'm going to end up doing something stupid with some boy that's gonna land me into trouble once everyone sobers up. Alcohol is NOT a good decision making tool. Ugh.
10 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I just realized something. I should NOT like a-lock, because he treated me like shit. He uses me for my body and doesn't respect or care about me at all, and I should stop holding out for that. God, I can't believe it has taken me this long to reach this realization.
The rally is coming along very well. I got tons of little handouts printed out, and I've been passing them out around town. I need to put them up around school, but they're already approved and on pretty colored paper. I have over 30 people from the community signed up, and STAND and some school students are also going to be there, so overall I should have about 30-35 people there! I'm really excited.
I need to study!
I just realized something. I should NOT like a-lock, because he treated me like shit. He uses me for my body and doesn't respect or care about me at all, and I should stop holding out for that. God, I can't believe it has taken me this long to reach this realization.
The rally is coming along very well. I got tons of little handouts printed out, and I've been passing them out around town. I need to put them up around school, but they're already approved and on pretty colored paper. I have over 30 people from the community signed up, and STAND and some school students are also going to be there, so overall I should have about 30-35 people there! I'm really excited.
I need to study!
Dear Anne,
I just got back from dropping my parents off at the airport to go back home after visiting this weekend, and now I'm eating breakfast. Mommy made soo much food for me, my refrigerator is packed, and on top of this they went grocery shopping and put even more food in there! All in all it was a good visit, they cleaned up my entire apartment (I feel so bad), we hung out with the family a bit, they finally saw Sami & Sumayya's place, we got my car tuned up...it was good. We didn't actually fight either. There were times of irritation, and there were awkward times when they found out I'm on anti-depressants, but it really wasn't that bad. They were just like..."you should stop." And I said "ok." That was all, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
I got a lot of studying done this past week too. I went over all the heart notes, read the book on them (only pertinent parts, not whole chapters), and went over baby robbins & parts of BRS when I thought I needed a supplement. I just had my first lung lecture yesterday, but I haven't gone over it because yesterday was SO busy. Sorority stuff all day after class...and then went over the Sami's place, so no time. Especially since we had to wake up at 4:30am this morning for the flight!
I completely have put sorority by the wayside this semester. Skipped so many meetings, didn't do anything for Paddy Murphy (and didn't care what happened with it either), and not going to do anything for Greek Week either, except maybe go to the banquet. I really just need to concentrate on my health and school right now, so it's going to have to wait. I mean I kinda' felt bad about it at first, but in all honesty, school and health are number 1 and that's just the way it is, and I think they would understand that, so it's OK. I know I'm making the right choice, but I'm also not going to quit because I found last night that even when I do spend time at sorority, I really enjoy being there. I mean it may feel like a chore talking about having to go to meeting, etc. but when I'm there I enjoy it.
All in all, life is pretty good right now. The rally is going well, tons of people have signed up on savedarfur.org, I'm so excited! And I know there are some people from the med school and some people from STAND also coming, so it's gonna be an actual rally! I'm just so glad I'm not going to be wasting the Rep's time. I'm happy, this is my first big community event and it's going to be OK!
Time to return to bed.
I just got back from dropping my parents off at the airport to go back home after visiting this weekend, and now I'm eating breakfast. Mommy made soo much food for me, my refrigerator is packed, and on top of this they went grocery shopping and put even more food in there! All in all it was a good visit, they cleaned up my entire apartment (I feel so bad), we hung out with the family a bit, they finally saw Sami & Sumayya's place, we got my car tuned up...it was good. We didn't actually fight either. There were times of irritation, and there were awkward times when they found out I'm on anti-depressants, but it really wasn't that bad. They were just like..."you should stop." And I said "ok." That was all, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
I got a lot of studying done this past week too. I went over all the heart notes, read the book on them (only pertinent parts, not whole chapters), and went over baby robbins & parts of BRS when I thought I needed a supplement. I just had my first lung lecture yesterday, but I haven't gone over it because yesterday was SO busy. Sorority stuff all day after class...and then went over the Sami's place, so no time. Especially since we had to wake up at 4:30am this morning for the flight!
I completely have put sorority by the wayside this semester. Skipped so many meetings, didn't do anything for Paddy Murphy (and didn't care what happened with it either), and not going to do anything for Greek Week either, except maybe go to the banquet. I really just need to concentrate on my health and school right now, so it's going to have to wait. I mean I kinda' felt bad about it at first, but in all honesty, school and health are number 1 and that's just the way it is, and I think they would understand that, so it's OK. I know I'm making the right choice, but I'm also not going to quit because I found last night that even when I do spend time at sorority, I really enjoy being there. I mean it may feel like a chore talking about having to go to meeting, etc. but when I'm there I enjoy it.
All in all, life is pretty good right now. The rally is going well, tons of people have signed up on savedarfur.org, I'm so excited! And I know there are some people from the med school and some people from STAND also coming, so it's gonna be an actual rally! I'm just so glad I'm not going to be wasting the Rep's time. I'm happy, this is my first big community event and it's going to be OK!
Time to return to bed.
06 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I just got back from the Darfur Speaker Series tonight, put on by STAND. It was amazing! They had a Sudanese refugee family there and the mother spoke for us, and she was so touching. She told us all about how they got here and the history of what's going on and how urgent it is that we help...and I'm really glad that I was there and that I'm one of the people trying to help right now. It made me proud to know that I was there to hear her, and to listen to what she had to say. And I also made a contact - a global AIDS worker, public health person - who said she'd get in touch with me about first of all how I can get involved in public health, and how to go about in that field, and also she would talk to me about trying to get media attention for the rally (which she's attending!). And I met with a bunch of other medical students that were also interested, so I was really happy. We had tons of ideas and I think if we all work together, we can make them a success!
I was really encouraged today that there are people out there who also want to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and I'm really glad for that.
I just got back from the Darfur Speaker Series tonight, put on by STAND. It was amazing! They had a Sudanese refugee family there and the mother spoke for us, and she was so touching. She told us all about how they got here and the history of what's going on and how urgent it is that we help...and I'm really glad that I was there and that I'm one of the people trying to help right now. It made me proud to know that I was there to hear her, and to listen to what she had to say. And I also made a contact - a global AIDS worker, public health person - who said she'd get in touch with me about first of all how I can get involved in public health, and how to go about in that field, and also she would talk to me about trying to get media attention for the rally (which she's attending!). And I met with a bunch of other medical students that were also interested, so I was really happy. We had tons of ideas and I think if we all work together, we can make them a success!
I was really encouraged today that there are people out there who also want to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and I'm really glad for that.
05 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I have been having such problems with my stomach lately - I guess I have pretty bad acid reflux because I always have heartburn, and now my abdomen is in pain, like burning, no matter what I eat, everyday. Like today I just had a deli sandwich with maybe some vinagrette salad dressing! I can't believe that made my stomach hurt. Anyhow, I have been trying to be a better student and study harder this test, and so far I think I'm doing a mediocre job. I have been reviewing some notes earlier on that I usually would (apparently not earlier than other people would, though) and I even got the textbook and I'm reading that. My parents are coming in this weekend so that should be taxing on my nerves...one of them is bad enough, but BOTH of them are coming and staying until Tuesday! I hope they're not too annoying and probing. I think me & my unit friend are doing well, things are back to the usual and I think only a few people on our unit know what happened, and think it was just a random drunken joke. I think I'm still not over Ajay (I know, it's been a while) but I find myself even just now talking to him and then daydreaming about him holding me and kissing me and how amazing it felt to be with him...I miss him so much and I wish I could tell him that, but then he would know that it's the same as it always was and I'm still not over him.
My stomach hurts so bad...I spent a lot of time today (as with everyday) obsessing over my rally for Darfur and advertising it to people. I emailed it out to some undergraduate people (honor societies, pre-med society), and I'm going to have it advertised on these monitors we have here at the med school. I need people to attend, and so far no one is truly willing! I don't understand this, it's such an important part of our world today and no one cares! This is the biggest current event in the world right now...our generation must be known for ending this (or we'll be known for letting it go on, at this rate). How can people not care? How can people not know? It's all over TV shows and the news and the internet...how are medical students so clueless, I don't understand...And I even chose a date that is exactly one day after a test so they can't even use studying as an excuse...and granted some people might be going home but can they not wait a few hours?! It's just so frustrating to me that they don't even try to get involved in the world around them, they're so oblivious to things...
I have been having such problems with my stomach lately - I guess I have pretty bad acid reflux because I always have heartburn, and now my abdomen is in pain, like burning, no matter what I eat, everyday. Like today I just had a deli sandwich with maybe some vinagrette salad dressing! I can't believe that made my stomach hurt. Anyhow, I have been trying to be a better student and study harder this test, and so far I think I'm doing a mediocre job. I have been reviewing some notes earlier on that I usually would (apparently not earlier than other people would, though) and I even got the textbook and I'm reading that. My parents are coming in this weekend so that should be taxing on my nerves...one of them is bad enough, but BOTH of them are coming and staying until Tuesday! I hope they're not too annoying and probing. I think me & my unit friend are doing well, things are back to the usual and I think only a few people on our unit know what happened, and think it was just a random drunken joke. I think I'm still not over Ajay (I know, it's been a while) but I find myself even just now talking to him and then daydreaming about him holding me and kissing me and how amazing it felt to be with him...I miss him so much and I wish I could tell him that, but then he would know that it's the same as it always was and I'm still not over him.
My stomach hurts so bad...I spent a lot of time today (as with everyday) obsessing over my rally for Darfur and advertising it to people. I emailed it out to some undergraduate people (honor societies, pre-med society), and I'm going to have it advertised on these monitors we have here at the med school. I need people to attend, and so far no one is truly willing! I don't understand this, it's such an important part of our world today and no one cares! This is the biggest current event in the world right now...our generation must be known for ending this (or we'll be known for letting it go on, at this rate). How can people not care? How can people not know? It's all over TV shows and the news and the internet...how are medical students so clueless, I don't understand...And I even chose a date that is exactly one day after a test so they can't even use studying as an excuse...and granted some people might be going home but can they not wait a few hours?! It's just so frustrating to me that they don't even try to get involved in the world around them, they're so oblivious to things...
04 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am just so overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I keep getting low grades on my tests no matter how I change my studying habits, I feel stressed even if I quit a whole bunch of stuff and put other stuff off (sorority, orchestra), and no one wants to come to my rally! I don't understand how people here can just sit around and study ALL the freaking time...well I guess that's how they do better than me...but it doesn't make sense! The world shouldn't be this way! It's not right! UGH I'm just so frustrated...how can they not care and not do anything? How?! What is the POINT of medical school? People everywhere around us are dying of famine, hunger, disease...and they study. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, I can study AND help out the world at the same time...granted I give each one a part of myself and so my full devotion goes nowhere, but that's how it has to be done, I think. The world can't wait for me to finish studying, but I've got to go on studying to give it my full potential one day. I think I do what I do well, and I believe in the way I live my life. I just wish I could manage some B's in Path.
I am just so overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I keep getting low grades on my tests no matter how I change my studying habits, I feel stressed even if I quit a whole bunch of stuff and put other stuff off (sorority, orchestra), and no one wants to come to my rally! I don't understand how people here can just sit around and study ALL the freaking time...well I guess that's how they do better than me...but it doesn't make sense! The world shouldn't be this way! It's not right! UGH I'm just so frustrated...how can they not care and not do anything? How?! What is the POINT of medical school? People everywhere around us are dying of famine, hunger, disease...and they study. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, I can study AND help out the world at the same time...granted I give each one a part of myself and so my full devotion goes nowhere, but that's how it has to be done, I think. The world can't wait for me to finish studying, but I've got to go on studying to give it my full potential one day. I think I do what I do well, and I believe in the way I live my life. I just wish I could manage some B's in Path.
01 April, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am in my roomate's house in Tulsa right now because we're here visiting her parents for the weekend. She decided that I needed some away time, some home-cooked meals and some relaxing...and since I couldn't go home on such late notice she took me home with her. So far it's been ok, we just hang out mostly and nothing really exciting has been going on. I got my grade back for the test I just took and again I got a C. I mean I guess at least I didn't fail like last time but I'm still disappointed. I just can't study as hard and as much as all these other kids! I just can't do it. 3 more tests until the end of this class and I have to get a B. I really don't want to repeat it. I'm so fed with school and just so burned out, I need a long vacation. Maybe medical leave or an extension isn't a bad idea...
I am in my roomate's house in Tulsa right now because we're here visiting her parents for the weekend. She decided that I needed some away time, some home-cooked meals and some relaxing...and since I couldn't go home on such late notice she took me home with her. So far it's been ok, we just hang out mostly and nothing really exciting has been going on. I got my grade back for the test I just took and again I got a C. I mean I guess at least I didn't fail like last time but I'm still disappointed. I just can't study as hard and as much as all these other kids! I just can't do it. 3 more tests until the end of this class and I have to get a B. I really don't want to repeat it. I'm so fed with school and just so burned out, I need a long vacation. Maybe medical leave or an extension isn't a bad idea...
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