Dear Anne,
I'm so pissed off right now. SO pissed off. The evening started out fine--I went to a friend's place, it was mostly just a few of us girls, and my roomate drank a bit too much and so got sick and halfway-passed out. Now, that's fine. That happens, she lost count of how much she drank, and we should have tried harder to stop her. Either way, I helped her out to the car, petted her and held her hair back while she puked, drove her home, provided her water and bread and a place to puke, helped her up to the apartment, got all her stuff home, and tucked her into bed. All was fine, the night was fine, she would be fine in the morning. It was fine.
And then I see her stumbling out of her room, still in her bikini, crying on her phone. She had called that bastardly, sorry-excuse-for-a-guy ex-boyfriend of hers and asked him to come over, and he was already on his way up the stairs--so we opened the door for him and he came in. It was fine at first, we all three went back to her room and calmed her down a bit, as she was still crying, tried to have her drink some water, and I thought we were going to put her to bed and leave her. But when I tried to make the cue to leave, of course he stayed, and she said she wanted him to stay. That is when I started to get pissed off. But I stayed calm. I asked him to stay in the hall to speak to my roommate in private; it was a completely unproductive conversation: she apologized profusely and cried even more profusely, with no answer as to how long he was staying, why he was here, etc. I made up my mind that he had to leave; she was extremely inebriated and not in a way to make judgement calls, and although he was sober and should have the ability to do it himself, he was not exactly the best judge of situations either--or rather, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do, but did what he wanted instead. Even if that meant taking advantage of a girl that was far far more drunk than he. And so I was rather irritated that I had to be the one to tell him to leave, seeing as it should not be my position to do so, and he should have the sense to know to leave. But either way, of course, as it is with him, he had to be told, and he was very angry when he was told, but had to obey. He went into her room to say goodbye, and, lo and behold, didn't come out. Twice the door was closed. The first time, I knocked, and not seeing it opened, I opened it up a crack myself. I didn't want the door to be shut, lest he be hurting her. The second time, however, I couldn't get it open, and assumed he had locked it, so I knocked harder. My roomate came to open the door, and then stayed out in the hall to have a talk with me. By this time, I regret to say, I was extremely irate. Not only about the fact that I had been put in the position, but the fact that I had made the decision and asked a "guest" in my home to leave my home, and he had obviously directly disobeyed me. He was basically trespassing in my home. She tried to defend him and herself by saying that she asked him to stay, but that doesn't matter; getting kicked out by one member of a household takes precedence over being asked to stay by another of equal footing, and especially if that one is drunk out of her mind. Furthermore, there was especially no reason for him to be lying down on the bed next to her. Either way, she told me plainly that she would not obey me and neither would he; he was staying. I was so upset by this point--upset that I had to do this at all, upset that I couldn't go to bed, upset that he disobeyed me, upset that I had made her upset, and of course upset that perhaps I had made the wrong decision by asking him to leave.
He is still in her room right now; I've accepted that I can't force him out tonight, but made the rule that the door must stay open. I don't regret ordering him to leave; it was the right decision, and my conscience can easily live with it. The only thing I regret is losing my cool with my roommate when she frankly told me she wouldn't listen; I freaked out and told her I would leave, and then decided against leaving them there alone. That is what I regret; I was doing this to help her, and my freaking out and getting agitated did the opposite. I wish that hadn't happened, I should have controlled myself better but I let my emotions get the better of me. I'm still angry but calmed down now, and wondering what will happen next. Undoubtedly, this will be talked about tomorrow, perhaps I will have to watch the ex-boyfriend leave in the morning. To him, I will be the same as I have been: polite, cordial, but stern. To her? Ah, this is the tricky part. Friendship has never been so complicated as it is with her. It seems as if everything I do is wrong and there is no end of apologizing, and everytime she does something wrong she goes all out and really does it wrong, and then there is no end of crying (on both sides). As mentioned before, I don't regret asking that thing to leave, only that I got rather out of control at one point in the night, and did not mean to cause more trouble instead of alleviating it. I was not calm as I should have been, and did not mean to upset my roommate; for that I will apologize to her, not for my deciding he had to leave. Now, as far as my frustration, I don't expect an apology, I expect an argument out of her. I expect her to tell me I overstepped my boundaries as a friend and roommate, and that she hasn't ever and never would do as I have done tonight. That is where my perception differs. Everyone knows; when a friend is drunk, you keep guys from taking advantage of her. Everyone knows it, it's a basic rule between girls, keep guys from taking advantage of your drunk friend. DUH. That's the rule I was following, I don't care that he's her ex-boyfriend--she was drunk, he was not; and it doesn't help that he has a history of taking advantage of her against her will. Why the hell should I trust him alone with her in a dark room on her bed with the door closed?! He's a rapist for God's sake, as far as I'm concerned!
I don't appreciate having to be the bitch or the mother in the situation, and I very much resent my roommate for putting me in this position, although I understand that she didn't mean to include me in this at all, and is anyway very much out of her mind at the moment. He has just proved to me what a complete douchebag he is, so at least I now see him for what he is. Let it be known that if he ever steps foot in my apartment again, I will fucking call the police on him. I don't want him here. I do not want him here. How dare he disobey me?! How dare he?! And how dare she defend him? Hours upon hours I watch and listen as she cries to me about everything he did; I've lost sleep and study time to be there for her and I don't mind it at all but how dare she, after that, throw all that investment from both me and herself away just like that by bringing him here?! After everyone else told her to shut up about him and just get over it, after I was always there for her when it ended even though the start of that relationship was the very thing that drove me into the depths of depression, after I listened and counseled and cried and comforted for so long, so much longer than anyone else, she dares to dismiss me like that? To defend him to me?! To allow me to leave my own apartment so that he may stay?! It is too much. It is too much. This friendship has always taken a toll on me, and now it seems to be coming to the edge of a cliff. To stay with it I must throw myself off, but to hold on to my own sanity and well-being, it seems as though I need something stronger to hold on to. Something to guide me away from this cliff, rather than towards it.
I don't mean to be ungrateful, I don't mean to be angry, and I don't mean to be wronging anyone by saying this, but this friendship has caused me far more pain that happiness, been a bad influence on me, and driven me to depression and insanity. It is enough. It is time to end this. I shouldn't be up right now at 1:30am in the night--my few jobs this month in order to take care of myself and prevent my imminent death are to get adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise--and if this is the kind of stress that prevents me from getting that, then what the hell is this "friendship"?? I have already been considering for a time now that us living together will no longer work, and it seems that perhaps our friendship is reaching its limits also. A long talk will be following tomorrow. It's going to be difficult and painful, and normally I wouldn't be able to handle it and stand up for myself, but suddenly I find myself with courage. Finally, I find myself with some courage.
26 June, 2007
22 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I am a bad person, who did a bad thing. I just made my mother cry. I yelled at her for 20 minutes, twenty insane minutes of inconsequential yelling about the way she and my father parented me, and then left her of course upset. She had to go, and I thought I could hear her voice crack with tears...I called her over and over again to see if she was crying. Although she wouldn't admit it, I'm sure she was. I feel so terrible.
I just spent this entire morning discussing how I wasn't going to get into fights and other stressful situations with people, and how to avoid them, etc. to no avail. As soon as I got home, 5 minutes into our conversation, I heard myself yelling at her, expressing years of pent-up resentment and just throwing it at her. I yelled and yelled and yelled, and even while I did it, I wondered how and why I had started and how to stop, but I couldn't, and didn't, until she said she had to go to shower and pray. I feel so terrible. I feel so, so terrible. Granted, everything I said was true, but I shouldn't have popped it out of nowhere and just gone crazy on her like that. That was wrong, it was very very wrong and insensitive, and I so wish I hadn't done it. I really hope she's not too upset, but I'm very disappointed in myself for doing it.
I just spoke with her and she's not upset, she sounds perfectly fine, and though I apologized, she said she was actually glad that I was expressing some types of concerns to her. I think I should cool it for now though, because I cried and now my head hurts, and that's just not good for me. I need to remember my goals: concentrate on myself & avoid stress, avoid alcohol and boys/relationships, exercise 30min every day and eat well. Those are my goals this summer, these are the only things I'm going to worry about. Doctor's orders, so they must be followed.
I am a bad person, who did a bad thing. I just made my mother cry. I yelled at her for 20 minutes, twenty insane minutes of inconsequential yelling about the way she and my father parented me, and then left her of course upset. She had to go, and I thought I could hear her voice crack with tears...I called her over and over again to see if she was crying. Although she wouldn't admit it, I'm sure she was. I feel so terrible.
I just spent this entire morning discussing how I wasn't going to get into fights and other stressful situations with people, and how to avoid them, etc. to no avail. As soon as I got home, 5 minutes into our conversation, I heard myself yelling at her, expressing years of pent-up resentment and just throwing it at her. I yelled and yelled and yelled, and even while I did it, I wondered how and why I had started and how to stop, but I couldn't, and didn't, until she said she had to go to shower and pray. I feel so terrible. I feel so, so terrible. Granted, everything I said was true, but I shouldn't have popped it out of nowhere and just gone crazy on her like that. That was wrong, it was very very wrong and insensitive, and I so wish I hadn't done it. I really hope she's not too upset, but I'm very disappointed in myself for doing it.
I just spoke with her and she's not upset, she sounds perfectly fine, and though I apologized, she said she was actually glad that I was expressing some types of concerns to her. I think I should cool it for now though, because I cried and now my head hurts, and that's just not good for me. I need to remember my goals: concentrate on myself & avoid stress, avoid alcohol and boys/relationships, exercise 30min every day and eat well. Those are my goals this summer, these are the only things I'm going to worry about. Doctor's orders, so they must be followed.
Dear Anne,
I heard a saying between two friends in deep conversation that really hit me today: it's when you're down...when you're really really down, that you find out who your true friends are today. You see, this guy had been rather badly inebriated today-kind of like me last week--and ended up making a fool of himself to the point that he knocked some things over and was getting yelled at. Only one of his friends came back to help him pick them up. Sure, you can argue that he shouldn't have gotten so angry that he knocked them over--but his friend said this: you were drunk, and I can't control you when you're drunk, and maybe you shouldn't have been...but you're still my friend and the best a friend can do in that situation is just try to take care of you to the best of his ability.
It's so true. I'm not going to say that I wasn't in the wrong last week at my birthday, but I really wish that my friends, instead of watching me make a fool of myself, had thought: hey, my friend's drunk, she can't help what she's doing. I should just try to take care of her. Instead, I came home to a roomate who was pissed off at me for being upset that the boy I like wasn't there and that I hadn't arranged a ride home, so she ended up getting a phone call after she was in bed. If that was me, I wouldn't have been in bed. It wouldn't matter that I had clinic the next day, I would still stay out with her and take care of her until she was safely in bed. That really, really pisses me off...that she didn't think it necessary to take care of me at all on my birthday, but to pawn me off on others and be upset that she was consulted. She got angry that I hadn't decided what I wanted to do on my birthday--has she forgotten that she didn't decide on her own, that she was constantly distraught over her sister being in town and that I ended up deciding for her and taking care of her and her sister all night long, all the while making sure everyone who showed up was perfectly happy with enough drinks and appetizers? I know she can be more attentive than that, she always is. But not for me. And it really bothers me, because she likes to think she's a good friend of mine...I like to think it too, but it's not true. It's just not true.
Again, I'm not going to deny that I should not have had that much alcohol, and that it must have hurt to watch me pour all my energy to one person and not my other friends. But...it was my 21st, I was supposed to be drunk, I am always obsessive over men, and she could have tried to make it more my birthday than "hey let's get drunk after pharm." She got drunk, she made her usual drunk dials (which, by the way, including her constantly leaving me to talk on the phone for 20-30 minutes at a time), she complained at me, and then she left early. I wasn't a good drunk or friend, but then, neither was she. Why was I the only one who had to apologize? I'm always the one who apologizes. The only time she ever apologizes to me for anything is when she makes me cry, which she does rather often, and every time she says it I shrug it off to prevent a problem, and then she acts even more irritated that I don't accept it. I mean, stop making me cry and then apologizing. Just shut up. Just shut up and maybe I won't cry in the first place!
I don't really have anyone I trust anymore. I don't trust her as a friend and she's seriously getting to be (or has been for a while now) an irritating roomate. My family here in town also make me feel like a burden in just a day or two, while children are just not my forte. My other friends here in town aren't really my friends at all; they're acquaintances and friends of my roomate, perhaps just classmates, that I can occasionally see outside of the classroom and have fun making smalltalk with. All in all, life is a blur, a sad, boring blur, with nothing remarkable in it, no real reason to stay. If I left this place and started a new life, I wouldn't miss or have memories of anything...except perhaps bad feelings. That's all this life here stands for now. I wish I could start over...but then...that's what I wished for when I left college too.
I heard a saying between two friends in deep conversation that really hit me today: it's when you're down...when you're really really down, that you find out who your true friends are today. You see, this guy had been rather badly inebriated today-kind of like me last week--and ended up making a fool of himself to the point that he knocked some things over and was getting yelled at. Only one of his friends came back to help him pick them up. Sure, you can argue that he shouldn't have gotten so angry that he knocked them over--but his friend said this: you were drunk, and I can't control you when you're drunk, and maybe you shouldn't have been...but you're still my friend and the best a friend can do in that situation is just try to take care of you to the best of his ability.
It's so true. I'm not going to say that I wasn't in the wrong last week at my birthday, but I really wish that my friends, instead of watching me make a fool of myself, had thought: hey, my friend's drunk, she can't help what she's doing. I should just try to take care of her. Instead, I came home to a roomate who was pissed off at me for being upset that the boy I like wasn't there and that I hadn't arranged a ride home, so she ended up getting a phone call after she was in bed. If that was me, I wouldn't have been in bed. It wouldn't matter that I had clinic the next day, I would still stay out with her and take care of her until she was safely in bed. That really, really pisses me off...that she didn't think it necessary to take care of me at all on my birthday, but to pawn me off on others and be upset that she was consulted. She got angry that I hadn't decided what I wanted to do on my birthday--has she forgotten that she didn't decide on her own, that she was constantly distraught over her sister being in town and that I ended up deciding for her and taking care of her and her sister all night long, all the while making sure everyone who showed up was perfectly happy with enough drinks and appetizers? I know she can be more attentive than that, she always is. But not for me. And it really bothers me, because she likes to think she's a good friend of mine...I like to think it too, but it's not true. It's just not true.
Again, I'm not going to deny that I should not have had that much alcohol, and that it must have hurt to watch me pour all my energy to one person and not my other friends. But...it was my 21st, I was supposed to be drunk, I am always obsessive over men, and she could have tried to make it more my birthday than "hey let's get drunk after pharm." She got drunk, she made her usual drunk dials (which, by the way, including her constantly leaving me to talk on the phone for 20-30 minutes at a time), she complained at me, and then she left early. I wasn't a good drunk or friend, but then, neither was she. Why was I the only one who had to apologize? I'm always the one who apologizes. The only time she ever apologizes to me for anything is when she makes me cry, which she does rather often, and every time she says it I shrug it off to prevent a problem, and then she acts even more irritated that I don't accept it. I mean, stop making me cry and then apologizing. Just shut up. Just shut up and maybe I won't cry in the first place!
I don't really have anyone I trust anymore. I don't trust her as a friend and she's seriously getting to be (or has been for a while now) an irritating roomate. My family here in town also make me feel like a burden in just a day or two, while children are just not my forte. My other friends here in town aren't really my friends at all; they're acquaintances and friends of my roomate, perhaps just classmates, that I can occasionally see outside of the classroom and have fun making smalltalk with. All in all, life is a blur, a sad, boring blur, with nothing remarkable in it, no real reason to stay. If I left this place and started a new life, I wouldn't miss or have memories of anything...except perhaps bad feelings. That's all this life here stands for now. I wish I could start over...but then...that's what I wished for when I left college too.
20 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I so very much notice that I'm being irritated easily lately. I'm sure it's because I'm off my medication, but it's worth it to hopefully find a better one in two days. I got so pissed off today at my neice...goodness. She was being a brat (as a lot of 4-year-olds are) and so i told her to stop hitting people and to not be a bad girl--she went off. It was insane, she just started screaming up a storm and I know exactly why...it was because of me. I was angry at her, I wanted to smack her but of course couldnt...and I got so annoyed at every other grown-up in the house because as soon as she started screaming, they cooed and calmed her, and tried to be extra-nice because she was being extra-bitchy. I don't understand this type of "parenting," if you can call it that. Kids can be so annoying and bratty sometimes, and they do not need to be cuddled all the more for it--at the risk of sounding conservative (as I will be many times throughout this entry)-- kids need to know the law, and some of them just need to be smacked sometimes. I despise children that misbehave, and I despise their parents even more.
And to continue tonight's tirade of conservativeness, let's get to the gay-bashing. Which, that's not really what it is, I'm being sarcastic...but only partially. As you know, I had been thinking about going to the USSF and so had posted a hotel-share on the webiste, which happened to include that I would like to only room with heterosexual females. I realized that this might get taken the wrong way, but thought it would be alright because there were others who were writing "queers only," etc. So if they can be "intolerant" one way, can't I write the equivalent? Apparently not. Apparently, what I wrote was terribly offensive and a certain Miss Jen just can't believe how someone going to the USSF might not want to room with a homosexual female -- well, I don't want to room with a male either, but no one's calling that sexist. I consider it exactly the same. Obviously, neither the male nor the homosexual female will be "jumping into bed with [me]," as Miss Jen put it, but that doesn't make it appropriate for us to room together, neither does it make it wrong for me to not want to room with a male or what I consider the equivalent--homosexual female. You can be homosexual if you want, I have no problem with that, but I have the right to choose who I room with, just as anyone else has the right to choose to room with "queers only." I don't care that they wrote that...whatever. But I should have the right to post the same thing. It's only fair. But people don't get that, the same way they don't get that it shouldn't be okay for African Americans to say "nigga" if it's not okay for anyone else to say it--it's only fair. But America's mentality today, even the "progressive" mentality (I cringe to hear these people described that way), is that if you're a minority, you can do whatever the hell you want, be offended by everything, and hold a double-standard for all whereby you are never guilty of doing anything wrong. It makes me so sad.
But that's all on the side. My therapist tells me I'm in a "crisis" right now, as far as deciding who I am, who I want to be, and how I want to live my life. She tells me this is normal, which I'm sure it is, because I've read about it in books and seen it in movies and television. But...it just feels so much harder than it ever looked. Based on last week's completely failed 21st birthday, about which I regret many things...mainly, drinking and the decisions made based on its influence...I think I will stop drinking. I just hope it'll last. But then I think, really, none of these decisions made with boys and drinking and other values my parents wouldn't agree with have done very much with me...all these values I chose over my old cultural, religious ones. Does this mean I should go back to religion? I don't know. That is one aspect of my crisis.
Also, I had a terrible time at the free health clinic this past week. I got yelled at by more than one patient, and I didn't even do anything wrong. It's not my fault the doctor gets there after everyone else, that's not under my control. It's not my fault it takes a while for patients to be seen, practicing medicine is a little bit more difficult than other trades, after all. And besides, wouldn't you like that your doctor is a thorough one? And lastly, I was already feeling sick to my stomach and with a terrible headache, barely able to keep myself up and concentrating on what was going on around me...but I still came, because it was important for people to be there. And what do I have to show for it? Getting yelled at? I try and I try, and I give and I give, and I try to be open-minded and help people and be as selfless as possible...and in the end, I still just get screwed over and upset. In the end, I'm the one always irritated and crying, and hating my life. I try so hard to be such a good person and I get jackshit for it. So why do I bother? Maybe I should give in to the easy life that I could get from my degree - go into something like, I don't know, radiology, make tons of money and never really have to see or care about a patient. I used to say I wouldn't be fulfilled, but technically, I am helping in people's health and at least it's not causing me mental and emotional detriment, like this free health clinic is. Not that paying patients complain any less, but at least I wouldn't have to actually see them as a radiologist. I could just worry about and concentrate on my own life, which would be completely uncomplicated because I could just give in and follow my parent's religion, marry who my mother picks out, and just...sit back and watch the show. Never actually have to think, make a decision, or do anything consequential. I used to say that this life is worthless in the big scope of things...but...isn't every life worthless in the big scope of things?
So that is my crisis. What are my values? What do I believe in? How do I live my life? What do I want to accomplish in my life, how do I choose a husband, how do I raise my kids, what is my relationship with my family going to be? All these things are up in the air right now, and its quite an unsettling feeling. I don't know what I want and what I really believe in. The past 3 years leave me at an all-time low and nothing to show for it but bruises, but will going back to religion and my parent's culture make it any better or just stress me out in a different way--stifling my voice and suffocating me, like the way it used to be? I am at a crossroads.
I so very much notice that I'm being irritated easily lately. I'm sure it's because I'm off my medication, but it's worth it to hopefully find a better one in two days. I got so pissed off today at my neice...goodness. She was being a brat (as a lot of 4-year-olds are) and so i told her to stop hitting people and to not be a bad girl--she went off. It was insane, she just started screaming up a storm and I know exactly why...it was because of me. I was angry at her, I wanted to smack her but of course couldnt...and I got so annoyed at every other grown-up in the house because as soon as she started screaming, they cooed and calmed her, and tried to be extra-nice because she was being extra-bitchy. I don't understand this type of "parenting," if you can call it that. Kids can be so annoying and bratty sometimes, and they do not need to be cuddled all the more for it--at the risk of sounding conservative (as I will be many times throughout this entry)-- kids need to know the law, and some of them just need to be smacked sometimes. I despise children that misbehave, and I despise their parents even more.
And to continue tonight's tirade of conservativeness, let's get to the gay-bashing. Which, that's not really what it is, I'm being sarcastic...but only partially. As you know, I had been thinking about going to the USSF and so had posted a hotel-share on the webiste, which happened to include that I would like to only room with heterosexual females. I realized that this might get taken the wrong way, but thought it would be alright because there were others who were writing "queers only," etc. So if they can be "intolerant" one way, can't I write the equivalent? Apparently not. Apparently, what I wrote was terribly offensive and a certain Miss Jen just can't believe how someone going to the USSF might not want to room with a homosexual female -- well, I don't want to room with a male either, but no one's calling that sexist. I consider it exactly the same. Obviously, neither the male nor the homosexual female will be "jumping into bed with [me]," as Miss Jen put it, but that doesn't make it appropriate for us to room together, neither does it make it wrong for me to not want to room with a male or what I consider the equivalent--homosexual female. You can be homosexual if you want, I have no problem with that, but I have the right to choose who I room with, just as anyone else has the right to choose to room with "queers only." I don't care that they wrote that...whatever. But I should have the right to post the same thing. It's only fair. But people don't get that, the same way they don't get that it shouldn't be okay for African Americans to say "nigga" if it's not okay for anyone else to say it--it's only fair. But America's mentality today, even the "progressive" mentality (I cringe to hear these people described that way), is that if you're a minority, you can do whatever the hell you want, be offended by everything, and hold a double-standard for all whereby you are never guilty of doing anything wrong. It makes me so sad.
But that's all on the side. My therapist tells me I'm in a "crisis" right now, as far as deciding who I am, who I want to be, and how I want to live my life. She tells me this is normal, which I'm sure it is, because I've read about it in books and seen it in movies and television. But...it just feels so much harder than it ever looked. Based on last week's completely failed 21st birthday, about which I regret many things...mainly, drinking and the decisions made based on its influence...I think I will stop drinking. I just hope it'll last. But then I think, really, none of these decisions made with boys and drinking and other values my parents wouldn't agree with have done very much with me...all these values I chose over my old cultural, religious ones. Does this mean I should go back to religion? I don't know. That is one aspect of my crisis.
Also, I had a terrible time at the free health clinic this past week. I got yelled at by more than one patient, and I didn't even do anything wrong. It's not my fault the doctor gets there after everyone else, that's not under my control. It's not my fault it takes a while for patients to be seen, practicing medicine is a little bit more difficult than other trades, after all. And besides, wouldn't you like that your doctor is a thorough one? And lastly, I was already feeling sick to my stomach and with a terrible headache, barely able to keep myself up and concentrating on what was going on around me...but I still came, because it was important for people to be there. And what do I have to show for it? Getting yelled at? I try and I try, and I give and I give, and I try to be open-minded and help people and be as selfless as possible...and in the end, I still just get screwed over and upset. In the end, I'm the one always irritated and crying, and hating my life. I try so hard to be such a good person and I get jackshit for it. So why do I bother? Maybe I should give in to the easy life that I could get from my degree - go into something like, I don't know, radiology, make tons of money and never really have to see or care about a patient. I used to say I wouldn't be fulfilled, but technically, I am helping in people's health and at least it's not causing me mental and emotional detriment, like this free health clinic is. Not that paying patients complain any less, but at least I wouldn't have to actually see them as a radiologist. I could just worry about and concentrate on my own life, which would be completely uncomplicated because I could just give in and follow my parent's religion, marry who my mother picks out, and just...sit back and watch the show. Never actually have to think, make a decision, or do anything consequential. I used to say that this life is worthless in the big scope of things...but...isn't every life worthless in the big scope of things?
So that is my crisis. What are my values? What do I believe in? How do I live my life? What do I want to accomplish in my life, how do I choose a husband, how do I raise my kids, what is my relationship with my family going to be? All these things are up in the air right now, and its quite an unsettling feeling. I don't know what I want and what I really believe in. The past 3 years leave me at an all-time low and nothing to show for it but bruises, but will going back to religion and my parent's culture make it any better or just stress me out in a different way--stifling my voice and suffocating me, like the way it used to be? I am at a crossroads.
18 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I've felt a lot better today compared to this past weekend. I still have a headache, but it's well controlled by Excedrin, and I had very mild nausea this afternoon. I actually got some exercising done as well. That's not to say I feel "great," though; I still feel not-quite-right, and I have the urge to cry right now but don't have any reason to do so. I suppose I just feel a bit lonely and bored right now. I might call my mother back, but she often ends up irritating me to the point of tears anyway - although I did spend a good hour talking to her on the phone earlier this evening. Of course, I need to watch my damn phone's battery life because it still won't charge on any of the chargers to be found at my apartment.
I'm definitely not going to Atlanta--I've emailed the program directors and let them know I won't be coming due to "personal health." I really would prefer not to be crying, nauseated, and in head pain while trying to change the world with other social activists.
This milk I just had isn't being greeted too well by my stomach. My head is still in pain. The whole thing is just ridiculous. How is it that I am this screwed up and far worse than when I began treatment, and only because I have one summer off?! In fact...it's not even "off," I'm still in class, it's just very easy! How do people manage this all the time? I'm so bored out of my mind I just want to scream - more accurately, cry!
I've been thinking about the marriage idea my mother is so keen on, and I think I agree. In fact, I think I agree much past her--I want to get married. Not engaged, married...soon. I'm ready be married. No, as my cousin puts it, I'm ready to have some sort of permanent "companionship"...I'm sick of being lonely. I can't stand it anymore, I can't wait around to meet guys and wonder if they're going to be jackasses and know they're going to be temporary either way. I don't want temporary, I don't want maybe, and I don't want to wait. I can't do this anymore, it's hurting my brain and making me cry right now. God I hate this. It's so pathetic and I just know I'm going to regret it later but it's true.
I've felt a lot better today compared to this past weekend. I still have a headache, but it's well controlled by Excedrin, and I had very mild nausea this afternoon. I actually got some exercising done as well. That's not to say I feel "great," though; I still feel not-quite-right, and I have the urge to cry right now but don't have any reason to do so. I suppose I just feel a bit lonely and bored right now. I might call my mother back, but she often ends up irritating me to the point of tears anyway - although I did spend a good hour talking to her on the phone earlier this evening. Of course, I need to watch my damn phone's battery life because it still won't charge on any of the chargers to be found at my apartment.
I'm definitely not going to Atlanta--I've emailed the program directors and let them know I won't be coming due to "personal health." I really would prefer not to be crying, nauseated, and in head pain while trying to change the world with other social activists.
This milk I just had isn't being greeted too well by my stomach. My head is still in pain. The whole thing is just ridiculous. How is it that I am this screwed up and far worse than when I began treatment, and only because I have one summer off?! In fact...it's not even "off," I'm still in class, it's just very easy! How do people manage this all the time? I'm so bored out of my mind I just want to scream - more accurately, cry!
I've been thinking about the marriage idea my mother is so keen on, and I think I agree. In fact, I think I agree much past her--I want to get married. Not engaged, married...soon. I'm ready be married. No, as my cousin puts it, I'm ready to have some sort of permanent "companionship"...I'm sick of being lonely. I can't stand it anymore, I can't wait around to meet guys and wonder if they're going to be jackasses and know they're going to be temporary either way. I don't want temporary, I don't want maybe, and I don't want to wait. I can't do this anymore, it's hurting my brain and making me cry right now. God I hate this. It's so pathetic and I just know I'm going to regret it later but it's true.
15 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I'm kind of apprehensive about this trip to Atlanta I've gone and gotten myself into. I didn't really think I would be accepted to the program, but here I am with a hotel reservation (2, actually), 2 roomates and a need for a ticket to Atlanta. And my parents won't give me the OK! I mean I understand that it's kind of dangerous for me to go alone to a city I don't even know, but I won't be alone - there will apparently be 10,000 other activists there! It sounds really exciting now. So many big activists talking about all these important things...one of the big activist conventions of our times. I have to go to this, it's what I live for! But I also have to get permission from my parents and a plane ticket. I don't know...
The celebration of my 21st birthday went as most of those go - a night I don't really remember, and wish I hadn't lived. I'm pretty sure I made a complete fool of myself and was all over a certain boy all night. And then, of course, I passed out and had to be carried to a friend's couch. How embarrassing. Never again...never, never again, will I drink that much. In fact, I don't know if I'm going to be drinking for a while. I had such a bad hangover all of today!
I'm becoming truly inspired by "White Coat, Clenched Fist," especially the chapters about Dr. Mullan's adventures as a resident at a South Bronx inner-city hospital without adequate resources and support for its impoverished patient population. I feel a lot like how he describes when it comes to Truman, especially with the new policies being implemented that are turning away more and more of our poverty-level patients. I mean, it's an inner-city hospital -- who the hell did it expect to cater to?! And how can it just turn away our loyal patients that really need us?! I can't believe Kansas City and Truman Medical Center are going down the road of "cleaning up" by buliding expensive condos and kicking out the population that has been in downtown for so long simply because they're not good enough anymore. You can't just kick people out, they need help and support and resources and we should be there to provide it for them, or health in the area will just get worse! It's disgusting, really...I'd like to give the KCMO downtown developers and the CEO of Truman a good piece of my mind. I get so embarrassed talking to my patients when they tell me that they're stressed out and late because everytime they try to enter the building for an appointment, the security guards hound them about the bill for the surgery they had last month, and now Medicare won't call them back. It's terrible. What kind of hospital chases their patients around and stops them at the door for money?! Disgusting. Things need to change...I need to go to the convention in Atlanta.
I'm kind of apprehensive about this trip to Atlanta I've gone and gotten myself into. I didn't really think I would be accepted to the program, but here I am with a hotel reservation (2, actually), 2 roomates and a need for a ticket to Atlanta. And my parents won't give me the OK! I mean I understand that it's kind of dangerous for me to go alone to a city I don't even know, but I won't be alone - there will apparently be 10,000 other activists there! It sounds really exciting now. So many big activists talking about all these important things...one of the big activist conventions of our times. I have to go to this, it's what I live for! But I also have to get permission from my parents and a plane ticket. I don't know...
The celebration of my 21st birthday went as most of those go - a night I don't really remember, and wish I hadn't lived. I'm pretty sure I made a complete fool of myself and was all over a certain boy all night. And then, of course, I passed out and had to be carried to a friend's couch. How embarrassing. Never again...never, never again, will I drink that much. In fact, I don't know if I'm going to be drinking for a while. I had such a bad hangover all of today!
I'm becoming truly inspired by "White Coat, Clenched Fist," especially the chapters about Dr. Mullan's adventures as a resident at a South Bronx inner-city hospital without adequate resources and support for its impoverished patient population. I feel a lot like how he describes when it comes to Truman, especially with the new policies being implemented that are turning away more and more of our poverty-level patients. I mean, it's an inner-city hospital -- who the hell did it expect to cater to?! And how can it just turn away our loyal patients that really need us?! I can't believe Kansas City and Truman Medical Center are going down the road of "cleaning up" by buliding expensive condos and kicking out the population that has been in downtown for so long simply because they're not good enough anymore. You can't just kick people out, they need help and support and resources and we should be there to provide it for them, or health in the area will just get worse! It's disgusting, really...I'd like to give the KCMO downtown developers and the CEO of Truman a good piece of my mind. I get so embarrassed talking to my patients when they tell me that they're stressed out and late because everytime they try to enter the building for an appointment, the security guards hound them about the bill for the surgery they had last month, and now Medicare won't call them back. It's terrible. What kind of hospital chases their patients around and stops them at the door for money?! Disgusting. Things need to change...I need to go to the convention in Atlanta.
10 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
At this moment, I have just decided to really pick up STAND and run with it. It's necessary, Kansas City doesn't have strong Darfur advocate groups at this point, and it's something I really care about, so I'm going to go for it. I'm also going to make sure I recruit a lot and find younger students to take over after this first year though, because I really don't know how much I will be around Years 5-6, or when I'm going to be taking a year off. I will retire from AMSA this year also. I need to call Student Life to make sure we have a constitution, updated list of officers, etc. and then go to UMKC IS to set up a website and listserv. Then, I will begin recruitment -- yes, in the summer, so I have someone to help with recruitment in the fall! It's going to be difficult but I think I can do it, and i can have booths at Orientations (even though a lot of them are over). It's a late start, but I know I can do it. I need to have things like this to really distract me from self-loathing and misery. So far, my schedule is not busy this summer but let's hope it doesn't get too hectic this next year, with rotatios starting in Dec (DoRo) and Boards soon afterwards. I will be Main Operations Manager of Sojourner (so second-in-command), President of AMSA, member/officer of STAND, Music Chair for ADPi (I should probably not have a Diamond sister), and possibly a member of the Civic Orchestra. I might not be a part of the orchestra. Sorority, AMSA, STAND, and Sojourner will be taxing enough. Sojourner & ADPi will be once a week already, plus extra Sojourner meetings to plan the banquet, get community volunteers in order, get in good with the health department, and get money. AMSA will be at least twice a month plus extra work as usual. Sorority will be full of events and socializing of course, and on top of all this, I need to start studying for CBSE by September, and start studying for Boards in February. It's going to be a hectic but rewarding year, I'm really looking forward to it.
Loyally,
Me
At this moment, I have just decided to really pick up STAND and run with it. It's necessary, Kansas City doesn't have strong Darfur advocate groups at this point, and it's something I really care about, so I'm going to go for it. I'm also going to make sure I recruit a lot and find younger students to take over after this first year though, because I really don't know how much I will be around Years 5-6, or when I'm going to be taking a year off. I will retire from AMSA this year also. I need to call Student Life to make sure we have a constitution, updated list of officers, etc. and then go to UMKC IS to set up a website and listserv. Then, I will begin recruitment -- yes, in the summer, so I have someone to help with recruitment in the fall! It's going to be difficult but I think I can do it, and i can have booths at Orientations (even though a lot of them are over). It's a late start, but I know I can do it. I need to have things like this to really distract me from self-loathing and misery. So far, my schedule is not busy this summer but let's hope it doesn't get too hectic this next year, with rotatios starting in Dec (DoRo) and Boards soon afterwards. I will be Main Operations Manager of Sojourner (so second-in-command), President of AMSA, member/officer of STAND, Music Chair for ADPi (I should probably not have a Diamond sister), and possibly a member of the Civic Orchestra. I might not be a part of the orchestra. Sorority, AMSA, STAND, and Sojourner will be taxing enough. Sojourner & ADPi will be once a week already, plus extra Sojourner meetings to plan the banquet, get community volunteers in order, get in good with the health department, and get money. AMSA will be at least twice a month plus extra work as usual. Sorority will be full of events and socializing of course, and on top of all this, I need to start studying for CBSE by September, and start studying for Boards in February. It's going to be a hectic but rewarding year, I'm really looking forward to it.
Loyally,
Me
09 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I find myself so stressed out with this whole arranged marriage being rammed down my throat. I know I have up to 2 years until it actually happens, but just the thought that the process has begun and the machinery is working...it stresses me out. I already feel so self-depreciated by the fact that I might need an arranged marriage -- and now, the "might" has turned into a "will," because I just couldn't meet my mother's deadline for "finding someone." Basically, I've failed at love, run out of time, and so now, she has to take it in her own hands. I just want to cry everytime I think about it, and the fact that I have a ridiculous amount of time to ponder these things really doesn't help.
Loyally,
Me
I find myself so stressed out with this whole arranged marriage being rammed down my throat. I know I have up to 2 years until it actually happens, but just the thought that the process has begun and the machinery is working...it stresses me out. I already feel so self-depreciated by the fact that I might need an arranged marriage -- and now, the "might" has turned into a "will," because I just couldn't meet my mother's deadline for "finding someone." Basically, I've failed at love, run out of time, and so now, she has to take it in her own hands. I just want to cry everytime I think about it, and the fact that I have a ridiculous amount of time to ponder these things really doesn't help.
Loyally,
Me
07 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
With much extra time on my hands, I find myself able to finish up those annoying little tasks always nagging at the back of my head, but never quite making it to the top of the pile. Like, today I called the voting people in TX to find out the state of that and how exactly to go about things in the future. I looked up information on getting a credit card. I applied for a lot of scholarships last night. I'm just getting a lot of little things done - taking a good hard look at finances and finding ways to budget and reduce expenses, cleaning & organizing, deciding whether I want to take a year off, researching what I can do with a year off and other opportunities & internships, applying for scholarships, etc. In fact, I'm also trying to get a job for the summer - I applied at a bunch of the coffee shops that are hiring, including Starbucks, LatteLand, Scooters, and Caribou.
Now I just need to make sure I take out "me-time" amongst all these errands and still-going meetings in extracurricular activities (had a Sojourner meeting today, AMSA meeting a few days ago). I mean, though I'm not having to go to work or school, nothing structured, it's still difficult for me to seriously relax. I'd have to make an effort to clear my mind and breath calmly, perhaps stretch or something. Today I tried to go swimming and then relax in the pool, but it didn't work because there were so many people, it was about to rain, and the pool was so dirty. I should try to both exercise (shed those pounds) and relax either in the pool or after I return home. That will be my goal for this coming week, these next few days.
With much extra time on my hands, I find myself able to finish up those annoying little tasks always nagging at the back of my head, but never quite making it to the top of the pile. Like, today I called the voting people in TX to find out the state of that and how exactly to go about things in the future. I looked up information on getting a credit card. I applied for a lot of scholarships last night. I'm just getting a lot of little things done - taking a good hard look at finances and finding ways to budget and reduce expenses, cleaning & organizing, deciding whether I want to take a year off, researching what I can do with a year off and other opportunities & internships, applying for scholarships, etc. In fact, I'm also trying to get a job for the summer - I applied at a bunch of the coffee shops that are hiring, including Starbucks, LatteLand, Scooters, and Caribou.
Now I just need to make sure I take out "me-time" amongst all these errands and still-going meetings in extracurricular activities (had a Sojourner meeting today, AMSA meeting a few days ago). I mean, though I'm not having to go to work or school, nothing structured, it's still difficult for me to seriously relax. I'd have to make an effort to clear my mind and breath calmly, perhaps stretch or something. Today I tried to go swimming and then relax in the pool, but it didn't work because there were so many people, it was about to rain, and the pool was so dirty. I should try to both exercise (shed those pounds) and relax either in the pool or after I return home. That will be my goal for this coming week, these next few days.
06 June, 2007
Dear Anne,
I've been gone for a while, away on break and unable to write. It hasn't been a very eventful time in my life, except for the now near and scary possibility of an arranged marriage. In fact, I can't even call it a possibility anymore...it's the most likely path my life will take in the next 2 years, as my mother has decreed. Already one boy has been rejected, and I think many more will be...I cannot believe my mother went ahead and started "looking" without even my permission! Oh well...I think for now I will just ignore it and reject everyone on the basis of the fact that I'm not ready to be married yet, whatever my mom might say.
I've got a pretty open summer and so far haven't actually accomplished anything. I say I will start working on scholarship applications, clean up the apartment, get a job, learn horseback riding, travel...do all these things, but so far, I've only looked at fastweb.com but not actually done anything, couldn't find a ranch nearby, got an application but didn't fill it out all the way, and cleaned up half of my room. I decided I don't have enough money or parental trust to go traveling anywhere that's worth it.
I bought a sari while I was at home, I'm excited to wear it for the family reunion coming in July. It's going to be a fun time, I like it when everyone is together like that. I haven't seen any of the boys causing me grief in a long time, and I think I'm finally starting to forget about the most recent one. However, I'm still very close to Ajay and I like him very much, but I fear that I still like him in a way that he will return again...which scares me, because I don't want to be hopelessly attached, unknowingly blocking anything else because it could never be as good. Which...it's hard for me to think that there is better out there, he was pretty damn amazing. I would have married him and been happy forever, never looked back.
I'm having medication management problems. I stopped seeing my counselor and told my PCP that I want to be off my current antidepressant. I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist at the end of the month, I hope she can help more than everyone else I've been seeing. I need to have someone steady, who can do my counseling and my medication management, and who really knows what they're doing. And I think I really need to get a job so that I can have structure and keep busy, and feel good about how I spend my time. I mean I could exercise some, but that takes little time out of a day and I probably won't end up keeping that appointment everyday--same with working on scholarships, going horseback riding, and cleaning. And I can't spend all of my time with my family. I hope this summer is the beginning of a turnaround in my life. I still can't tell my parents anything...I thought about it for a split second while at home but I had enough problems being irritated by my parents; I can't tell them anything about my depression; hopefully it'll start getting better and I won't have to. I think my dad already kind of figured it out though. After all, he saw my medications and even though he told me not to take them, I think he assumes that I do.
That is all.
"Lord, lord, mother, we are all losing love...Lord listen lover, we are all missin' something..." metric
I've been gone for a while, away on break and unable to write. It hasn't been a very eventful time in my life, except for the now near and scary possibility of an arranged marriage. In fact, I can't even call it a possibility anymore...it's the most likely path my life will take in the next 2 years, as my mother has decreed. Already one boy has been rejected, and I think many more will be...I cannot believe my mother went ahead and started "looking" without even my permission! Oh well...I think for now I will just ignore it and reject everyone on the basis of the fact that I'm not ready to be married yet, whatever my mom might say.
I've got a pretty open summer and so far haven't actually accomplished anything. I say I will start working on scholarship applications, clean up the apartment, get a job, learn horseback riding, travel...do all these things, but so far, I've only looked at fastweb.com but not actually done anything, couldn't find a ranch nearby, got an application but didn't fill it out all the way, and cleaned up half of my room. I decided I don't have enough money or parental trust to go traveling anywhere that's worth it.
I bought a sari while I was at home, I'm excited to wear it for the family reunion coming in July. It's going to be a fun time, I like it when everyone is together like that. I haven't seen any of the boys causing me grief in a long time, and I think I'm finally starting to forget about the most recent one. However, I'm still very close to Ajay and I like him very much, but I fear that I still like him in a way that he will return again...which scares me, because I don't want to be hopelessly attached, unknowingly blocking anything else because it could never be as good. Which...it's hard for me to think that there is better out there, he was pretty damn amazing. I would have married him and been happy forever, never looked back.
I'm having medication management problems. I stopped seeing my counselor and told my PCP that I want to be off my current antidepressant. I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist at the end of the month, I hope she can help more than everyone else I've been seeing. I need to have someone steady, who can do my counseling and my medication management, and who really knows what they're doing. And I think I really need to get a job so that I can have structure and keep busy, and feel good about how I spend my time. I mean I could exercise some, but that takes little time out of a day and I probably won't end up keeping that appointment everyday--same with working on scholarships, going horseback riding, and cleaning. And I can't spend all of my time with my family. I hope this summer is the beginning of a turnaround in my life. I still can't tell my parents anything...I thought about it for a split second while at home but I had enough problems being irritated by my parents; I can't tell them anything about my depression; hopefully it'll start getting better and I won't have to. I think my dad already kind of figured it out though. After all, he saw my medications and even though he told me not to take them, I think he assumes that I do.
That is all.
"Lord, lord, mother, we are all losing love...Lord listen lover, we are all missin' something..." metric
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