Dear Anne,

I am feeling so much better now than I have been the past few weeks--it's like night and day! I suppose that medication really does help :-). I've also been making sure I get the proper amount of sleep and exercise regularly. Aaaand....I haven't checked my test grades yet...we'll see how much that messes me up.

So, I really wish people would be more accountable. I mean I know that I am for sure not as fully responsible as I wish, but I realize this and I try very hard to be. I'm late a lot, but I call and let people know. And when it really counts--like a test--I am on time. Anyhow, I wish others would be responsible both in those areas and in overall just..helping out so I don't have to do everything all the time. I'm getting overwhelmed with people calling me to fix things!

Goals -- continue exercising, and take medicine daily!

Dear Anne,

My last post was extremely emotional--it was an extremely emotional weekend. But I think I am doing much better now. It came down to the point that the on-call psychologist gave me an ultimatum--either I take care of myself or I get out of school for a year and into an inpatient program. I chose to try as hard as possible to take care of myself. So here I am, at school, studying. I took my medicine today, and I even exercised. No, I can't sleep early because I have 2 tests this week, but I am doing what I can to take care of myself the best I can, and hopefully that will be enough to keep me meaningfully alive. And in a hospital, out of school, and worthless to the world is not what I consider meaningfully alive. I cannot let that happen.

Goals: exercise at least 3x/week (15-20min ea at least), sleep 6-8hrs/night (if possible with my studying schedule), TAKE MEDS, don't drink, and STUDY STUDY STUDY. I realized that although it may seem out of my way to go exercise or get a decent amount of sleep, if I don't spend those few hours every day doing that, then I will spend many days/weeks doing absolutely nothing and failing my classes because of it. So it's actually more efficient for me to just take care of myself in the first place. :)

Dear Anne,

I am a plague upon this world, and I should be done away with. Everyone I come near I hurt...I made Nikki cry again. I always do that, and it seems worthless to say "I'm sorry" now because what is the point when you know you haven't really learned anything and that you'll do the same thing again in 2 weeks? That's why, although I had at first resolved to either call or email her my apology and explanation in trying to put back together our friendship, I have now realized that the only way to really help her is to end this friendship. That's the only way I will stop hurting her, and because I know she won't end our friendship on her own, I will do it for her. It's what's good for her. She thinks I say this so nonchalantly because I don't care, because I don't value her friendship...but it's not that. I just value her well-being more.

Dear Anne,

Because I'll be moving soon, I'm finding necessary to buy/sell furniture, and I love Craigslist for this. It's great for us students who don't have tons of money and can't afford to just throw out perfectly good futons.

Anyway, while searching the webpage today, I decided to check out the "personals" section to see if people actually use it--not because I want to use it, but because I wanted to see how other people do. Surprisingly enough, there were a lot of genuine requests for "true love" on the site (along with, of course, the expected "sex buddy" ads). It makes me think about how out of touch our world is now. Have we gotten to the point that we have to post ads online for love? Compete on reality game shows like the Bachelor? It's rather sad that we no longer have decent dinner parties where you can have a real conversation with someone, instead of crazy college bashes where you end up sleeping with someone you wish you hadn't met. It's really very sad for society to think that we've gotten so computerized that...we no longer have real interactions.

I absolutely CANNOT wait to move out of this place. It's such a mess now because of the roommate cleaning through everything (including all the junk in our storage closet), and I realize now that I have waaaay too many clothes that I never wear. I need to stop letting my mother buy me clothes just to humor her, it's a complete waste of her money and my closet space. I'm frustrated right now because it's so difficult to find furniture I want and sell off the furniture I don't want--what a hassle moving is, especially with 2 tests next week. And I got the infamous email from my professor today--when you fail a test, she sends an email saying "if the class ended today, you would have failed. please make an appointment with me to discuss studying habits." As if we would have made it this far into medical school without good studying habits and a decent amount of intelligence? The class is one of the hardest here, she knows that, and sometimes people don't anticipate that on the first test. Not to mention she really isn't helping my self-esteem with that "you would have failed." YES, I KNOW, THANK YOU. Again, we're medical students, we're not stupid. As if we're not beating ourselves up enough already?! I need to fix the more basic elements of my life before I'll ever be able to pass this class, because lord knows I tried very hard to study for that last test that I failed...but none of it does any good if you spend your nights deciding how to kill yourself and crying yourself to sleep--pharmacology isn't so easy to remember (except for when picking out what to OD on)! I need to fix myself and quick if I don't want to completely ruin my life by failing this class (and yes, that will completely ruin my life, because I've already spent most of it planning to be a physician, and I promise you no physician has ever made it that far without passing pharmacology).

Goals for next month: take meds regularly (w/o missing a dose!), sleep 6-8hrs/night (if possible w/ studying), do not over or under eat, exercise at least once/week, and do something social once per week!!! (i really shouldnt be on my computer, or moping around in bed as much as I am).

I just...want...to cry. I can't stand this. Nothing in my life goes right. I can't find my brand new cellphone anywhere, and its on silent and it's battery's dying so it's not like I can call it either. I've looked everywhere--grocery store, work parking lot, me and my roommates car, my room, my purse, living room, bathroom, kitchen...nowhere to be found. I can't figure out this stupid project for this stupid class that no one understands or pays attention to anyway, and we have a test next week--not only in this class but ALSO in freaking pharmacology which I don't understand and can't concentrate on. There's just way too much useless shit to memorize, in both classes. Work is tiring and I'm getting sick of having to concentrate so much on their goddamn ACT test which is so freaking easy that I don't understand why they paid so much money for a Kaplan class anyway. On top of this, I don't feel like wearing anything but scrubs and pajamas or doing my hair or even putting in contacts--except that if I wear my glasses too long, I get a terrible headache. And I still haven't stopped coughing. And my goddamn roomate doesn't help with anything--the entire time she was in pharm, and did nothing but Pharm, I did all the housework because she complained about how difficult it was. Does she help that much now? No! She's moving out! And I'm the one who took out the trash and did the dishes today! And even when she did them she expected me to help clean the kitchen! And on top of all of this I'm also taking MDM and working and doing AMSA and Sojourner shit all the time. I can't do it. I just can't...do it anymore. It's too much. I quit. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown I think. I'm .... I can't take it. I just can't take it anymore.

I hate my roommate so much. She makes me feels like shit. Complains that I don't tell her my deepest, darkest, most inner secrets and feelings and yet she "forgets" to tell me everything. Her life is so damn perfect and she has the audacity to come tell me that I upset her? Why does she care? She has so many friends that she can't keep off the phone and hardly has time to pay attention to me, constantly socializing and always invited to everything. What the hell does she have to worry about? Her life isn't falling apart...unlike some of us.

My headache won't stop, it hurts all the time. I can't concentrate on school, I can't sleep normally and I keep eating, can't stop. I know I should eat right and sleep right and exercise but I can't because my body just won't let me. I'm going to fail out of school, but that doesn't even matter. How can I study when I really just want to die? I wish so much I could run out there and grab a knife but I can't because she will get all pissy at me and start being a drama queen as usual. I just...I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired.

Dear Anne,

I'm so frustrated with moving and finding furniture. I can't seem to sell off my futon for the life of me, and can't find a decent sofa/loveseat or dining table. SO FRUSTRATING!! I wish people responded as often as I do, and were polite. Damn people. Damn furniture and moving.

I'm so overwhelmed with everything--work, school, AMSA, ADPi, sojourner....aaah. It's just too much. I'm eating tons and I can't sleep. I just can't sleep. I feel like shit. My whole life is just shit. Ugh. So tired.

Dear Anne,

I'm such a completely worthless loser now, apparently. My roommate is discussing what she will do tonight, noting that she can't do certain things because no one she knows will be there. I like how I'm completely discounted from anyone she knows. She was surprised when I mentioned I had thought about doing something. God forbid I NOT stay at home and cut myself for once. I'm just not allowed to have a life, am I? I hate myself.

Dear Anne,

It's raining very heavily outside right now, at 4am. I know I should be asleep right now, what with work in a few hours, but I've been having such difficulty with my sleep schedule that I never fall asleep until these wee hours of the morning, often having to wake up early due to obligations, and only when the caffeine I pump myself with runs out do I get to crash.

Such is life, lately. I haven't any kind of friends anymore. My pseudo-friends I've become sick of pretending with, my sorority sisters have never been there for me, Nikita is just a pretend relationship as well, Sami Byah is way to busy for me, as is Ajay, and sometimes I talk to Charlie but we're not really friends because it's just a relationship of convenience. So I'm alone. I hate sorority, it's a waste of my time and money, but I will try to stick it out until I can go alum. As for AMSA, much as I still love what it stands for, it's just so much work now that I give up. I've been trying so hard but the people around me and I just don't have time for it. Sojourner I still believe in as well, but now that I've been made Main Operations Manager, it's a lot more paperwork and administrative responsibilities and less interaction with patients, which is why I believe in it--so I'm beocoming disillusioned. Overall, I no longer have a release, because everything becomes a "job," including work itself. Much as I love tutoring and teaching, it's irritating to have to conform to someone else's schedule, materials, and methods.

My psychiatrist and psychologist haven't seen me for over a month and a half. They both decided I needed to try my wings on my own and wouldn't see me for a month, but between their busy schedules and my busy schedule, I keep rescheduling appointments, and it's been another 2 weeks since I was supposed to have seen them. I feel abandoned, because it's been a stressful time for me and even the people I pay to be there for me aren't there for me!

I thought about killing myself last night, and the night before. I seriously looked up different ways, and I think I'm now reconsidering Carbon Monoxide but also slitting the throat, and overdosing. I don't know when I'd do it, but I kind of wish I already had so I wouldn't be having to deal with this now. There is nothing left for me in life anymore. I'm not going to become a good doctor, I don't know my information well enough and will probably not make it through medical school (even if I do, I won't be a quality doctor), I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life as far as both romantic relationships and frienships because there's no one there for me anymore (I may as well already be dead), my family is becoming more and more suspicious of my lack of religious zealous, and it will only be a matter of time before they find out my agnosticism and disown me. So really, I have absolutely nothing left for me in this world. I can no longer deal with the days and nights of pain and crying. It is time for me to die.

Dear Anne,

To be honest, I haven't really thought about writing in a while. The idea of it just didn't seem very appealing, but I think I will try to get back into it, because I've completely given up on the idea of having any friends. Nikita has completely abandoned me along with the rest of what I thought were my at least pseudo-"friends." So now I'm completely alone.

Someone did take the condo I was looking at, so now I'm taking the one next door for about $70 more per month. I knew I'd end up paying more if I didn't take that one...my father didn't listen, of course, and here we are. Oh well, this is the building I wanted to be in anyway, and the unit I'm moving into is REALLY nice. I can't wait to move there...and get new furniture...and decorate! It's all gonna be so much fun and I really want this place to look nice and make me feel at home, because I've always hated the apartment I'm in right now. It feels like a dorm room still, and I hate that feeling because I can never relax. I never feel at home, even at home.

Pharm is very difficult. I'm already behind and it just started 2 days ago...it's so hard to keep up with everything because the lectures are so long, you get so tired (especially with extracurriculars taking up time), and it all just takes a lot of time to understand.

Speaking of extracurriculars, I'm totally disillusioned by them right now. AMSA is just taking up too much time and we keep getting in trouble because people can't do their jobs right. I know I should be delegating, and I am, but no one seems to have the time or intelligence to do their job. It's very irritating. And sorority! I'm just completely sick of it. I want to quit. I seriously want to quit, right now, and the only reason I'm not is that it's my senior year. I'm almost done, not only with sorority as a whole but even this semester is halfway over. I can last the rest of this year and then go alum...just have to hold out a little bit more. I don't like the girls, I have no friends, I don't care about any of the activities, I don't want to go to meetings...

I don't really want to be around anyone, period. I'm sick of everyone. No one likes me and I know it so I just want to stop trying, it's only depressing me more. I just want to hide away in a hole, which I know I will end up doing when I move. Nikita knows it too, and if she really cared as much as she makes it seem, she would do something about it...but she's not. She's ready to get away from me and I know it, and she won't care whether I ever come out of that apartment. We're never going to speak again once we move, I know it.

I hate my life. I'm so lonely. I really am just so, so sad, and so disillusioned with life and with school and with the things I thought I cared about once...I give up on it all. I just want to die.