Dear Anne,

I'm finally back from my Thanksgiving trip home. It was ok--the usual, hang out with the parents, the cousins...I didn't get to see any of my friends just because I was only home for 3 days. The first day was Thanksgiving, the second was Black Friday, and on Saturday I hung out with my cousins all day.

Thanksgiving was tons of fun as usual, I love it when we're all together and eating. My brother was missing this year (football injury) but all in all, it was still fun. Black Friday wasn't as great as usual--I typically buy a ridiculous amount of stuff but not this time. Well, sorry economy, I guess this part of your consumer base isn't helping you out any. And I didn't mind not seeing my friends because they seemed kind of busy too, and I actually hate only seeing them for like one lunch or one movie and then parting ways for another few months...if I see them, I want to be able to spend tons of time with them, over a period of days. Otherwise it seems as if I'm only doing it because it's obligatory.

My parents weren't so bad this time. Annoying as parents are, but it was a short visit so not bad. I was glad to leave by this morning though, because they were getting so annoying.

Overall, it was a good visit, I'd say. No uncomfortable conversations (for the most part), and time was pretty filled up with something to do. Food was good, and no yelling! Amazingly.

Dear Anne,

I can't stop crying. I don't know why. I even exercised for extra-long today...but I must admit I haven't been taking my medication properly. I missed it today, and didn't take enough for the past few days.

I feel like shit. I feel disgusting and fat and ugly and worthless. And I keep trying to talk to Nikita because she is im-ing me and I don't want to be mean but I keep thinking about how she is probably at her place having tons of fun without me, or talking about me, or laughing at me, or most likely just hooking up with the guy that broke my heart. I don't know why I'm so paranoid but I just...I expect her to hurt me. And it doesn't help that I'm so fat...I'm so so fat. My hair is all frizzy and I'm so ugly. I couldn't even fit into my pants today, they were practically popping off of me. I'm so fat. and so stupid. I can't even study.

Icki came over to study for all of an hour. We only had time to make and eat dinner and then he basically ditched me to go hang out with some guys at a bar. So basically, he will ditch me for Nikita and ditch me for the guys...so he only studies with me if he has to. I hate myself. I'm so worthless and I have no friends. I give up. I just give up. I hate my life.

Dear Anne,

I don't know why I even bothered to go to the freeclinic today. I felt so worthless. I feel like they could do just as well--in fact, better--without me. I forgot to pick up the medications and pill bottles, so many patients had to make do without HCTZ through Thanksgiving, and I still don't fully know the ins-and-outs of the paperwork necessary to keep the clinic working. I just feel like I can't properly do my job as Operations Manager--like I'm letting Brook and Joanne down.

And I feel like such a bitch for hating my ex-roommate as much as I do, but I just cannot stand the sight of her anymore! Just seeing her at clinic today made me remember all the little mannerisms of hers that I just can't stand. All the little things that always drove me insane and all I could do was stand there staring at her imagining how GOOD it would feel to just give her a nice big SLAP! I just find her so irritating, and it's just salt in the wounds she left to know that all the "girls" (that we hung out with) are closer to her than me. I feel so alone. And it sure didn't help that she was talking about the "jackass" I'm still unfortunately head-over-heels for that hates me and ignores me, AND that my "dearest friend" Icki went off to help her out instead of hang out with me, because of course, I always come second. Basically, whenever I see her, I repeatedly play a scene of me shooting myself in the head, because it's the only thing that keeps me from bursting into tears. That is NOT healthy, but I dont know how to change it.

Dear Anne,

I've been going downhill lately. I felt like crap yesterday and today. I am just so frustrated with school and with having to see the "jackass" everywhere...I don't know why it all bothers me so much. Well, with school, of course it bothers me. I used to be able to memorize anything and everything at a glance like nobody's business...and now...I can't remember dates, addresses, names even sometimes! I couldn't remember Ricki's phone code to get into his parking...for 2min from my place to his. I had to have Jackie repeat hers to me 4 times driving from my place to hers. I most certainly can't remember anything from school, I forget so quickly. And even if I remember something for longer than 10min, I have to rack my brain to do so. It's so hard. How am I going to get through medical school like this? I'm already failing pharm once, how do I ever expect to pass a second time? How do I expect to take my Boards?! I really wanted to kill myself today. I have felt so worthless. My only plan, ever, my whole life's work, everything I've ever meant to anybody depends on me becoming a physician. If I don't do that...I should just go hang myself now. Maybe the universe is making me lose my memory as a sign that it's time for me to go.

Dear Anne,

Today was not a good day. No I haven't felt as bad as I could...but it most certainly was not a pleasant day. "The jackass" as I now call him came to school today and it killed me. I never see him, so I thought I was fine...but I'm not. I wanted to scream and cry and I was soo upset...I was just so upset.

I thought I was fine now, but I'm not. My friend "icki" that I was supposed to study with just called saying we would have to delay our studying because he was busy nursing my ex-roommate. I just...I hate her so much. I can't even understand why sometimes, but I think it's because I feel like she just takes away everything from me, and always makes me miserable. She takes away all of my friends, all the guys I like, even my pride. I just...I wish I could get away from her. I wish she would stop making my life miserable. I wish I would stop letting her make me miserable!

I need to breathe...and get my meds filled so that I have something to keep me calm on days like this. I just...I feel like crap. God.

You know that song "she is the prom queen, i'm in the marching band, she's miss america...and i'm just the girl next door." That's how I feel about my ex-roommate. She gets everything and I'm never never good enough. And I hate that I let it get to me, but I just can't stop. What's wrong with me?

Dear Anne,

I feel terrible for today. I totally missed a study date because I was so tired off of my caffeine high that I crashed for over 3 hours. I was miserable when I got up too, it took me a while to get a hold of myself to the point that I could study again...unfortunately, it required more caffeine. Well, at least I haven't finished off that bottle of wine we opened up last weekend...

One of my friends is going through helping out another friend (both of whom which will remain unnamed) with depression and life overall, and it's kind of frightening to see it from this point of view--outside looking in. I never realized how much I hurt the people around me when I get into my depressed modes, but now that I see my friend dealing with someone he cares about, and trying to help but to no avail, I see just what I did to my ex-roommate, and why she had to leave. And when giving advice to this friend, I realize that there really isn't anything he can do right, and that he will just have to leave soon as well--to keep his own sanity. No one can help his friend but herself, just like I had to realize myself that I had to go get professional help and take my medicine and take care of myself and realize that I was hurting other people by hurting myself. It really is an eye-opening experience to be on this side, to hear about how she is doing the same things to my friend that I once did to my roommate. It's scary.

It does make me glad that I'm no longer in that state right now, but I need to make sure that I never get to that point again. It's a terrible feeling--being very depressed, wanting to die, drinking too much....I never want to go there again. As messed up as my life may appear right now, it's kind of interesting (or rather pathetic?) that this is the first time I've felt "happy" (="not sad") in years. People around me believe in me, and for those who hurt me, I don't dwell long enough to cause any true detriment to my own sanity. And for once I think I may halfway believe in myself, that I will live a little longer than I thought this time last semester, this time last year.

Life still isn't perfect by any means, but I'm not at rock bottom anymore, and that's definitely a step in the right direction. Can't complain about that...and I won't. :-)

P.S. To that date with whom I couldn't make it to study, I am SO SO SO SO SORRY and I hope you are doing alright. I will call you again ASAP and whenver you want to study or hang out or whatever, I'm all yours! I give you permission to pour water all over my face if I fall asleep at the wrong time again :-)

Dear Anne,

This may make me seem fickle based on my last post--I invited my ex-roommate over for dinner tonight (as well as another friend). Now, before any judgements are passed, the fact is that there were some ends to be tied following our moving out--she had some of my things, I had some of hers, and some bills still need to be paid. All that was taken care of and discussed tonight. Although nothing that obviously upset me occured, I was at least justified in my new realization that there is no reason for us to continue being friends. There were many moments of silence before my other dinner guest arrived, and afterwards, I realized that if I just met her, I would not like her. (Perhaps this explains why, when I did first meet her 3 years ago, I didn't like her!)

We opened a bottle of Pinot Noir I bought a few days ago--California 2006. It was pretty good, although I'm not a big fat of Pinot Noir in general. I worry sometimes that I may start drinking too much if I keep alcohol in the house, but I drank less than one glass and stopped easily--drank only for taste. I refuse to keep beer or liquor in the apartment, only wine because I like to think it's sophisticated (in my own little messed up head.)

Dear Anne,

I have found that my former roommate is in no way necessary as part of my life. I am so much happier to be rid of her! In fact, the one time I spoke to her this week (at a fundraising dinner for the free clinic), she ended up making me upset to the point that I wanted to cry. I didn't, of course, because there were so many people there. And I'm sure that she has no idea she did it, but she has this way of always making me feel insignificant, stupid, and overall worthless. I don't need that in my life right now. So I should thank her, for allowing us to no longer live together. I don't plan on ever calling her again. I have been feeling so much better these past few days I've been rid of her, so there's no reason to bring that back into my life again. She made me feel terrible on a regular basis, as much as she tried to be a "good friend." It's time for me to start looking out for myself and stop trying to appease her "friendship." It's done no good for me, and it's time it ended.

Dear Anne,

I'm officially failing pharmacology and will most likely be repeating it this summer, but I am ok with that--mainly because it doesn't disrupt my schedule at all. I will stay on the same unit and go on DORO and all of my rotations at the same times. Boards gets pushed back a bit, but that's alright with me.

I've discovered that two of the young'uns I went to conference with are somewhat obsessed with me, and I must say, I find it quite flattering. In fact, I wouldn't mind becoming a bit more familiar with one of them (that I have found particularly adorable since I first saw him--I was especially pleased that he found me attractive.)

Living in the city is amazing. The sirens at regular intervals, a view that proves just how big the world out there really is, and of course, all those other amenities people think of when they think of "urban living"--shopping, dining, convenience to work, etc. I have finally found my niche. I always knew that this is where I belong--in the center of it all. I live for the city.

P.S. I'm not alright, not completely. The thoughts of worthlessness will always haunt me, and the failure I must suffer due to pharmacology is only making them worse. I know deep down that my experience in this class is not uncommon, that I will still make it through school fine (perhaps better for having taken it twice), and that in the end, life will be ok...but...a part of me still wonders, will it? This is not the way it was planned, not the way it was supposed to happen, so what am I supposed to do now that my plans are disrupted? Am I not meant to make it through this path? And if not, what else can I do with myself? Nothing. Therefore, life is appearing more and more worthless the more and more I ponder these things--so I don't ponder, as much as possible. I just am trying to get through everyday as best I can, and have accepted than come June I will be taking "more" pharmacology. That is my life, and if I think about it too much, I will hate it such that I will want to get rid of it. So, this shall be the end of my pondering on the subject.