Dear Anne,

I need thicker skin.

I hate myself and I want to die. My intern just told me to go over my notes more carefully because I miss things in the A/P. That's a lie. That's a goddamn lie, it's HIM who misses stuff and I fix it the next day because he never does.

Why is the world like that? I hate myself, and I hate the world and everyone in it.

And my "new" counselor is never around either, and still hasn't schduled with me or givn any indication that he got my message on Monday. I really, really hate everything.

Dear Anne,

Filling out a counseling questionairre the other day, I come across a box that I realize I didn't know I needed to check, but I check it. I have problems with my personal identity -- I don't know who I am, or who I want to be. Sometimes I think I want to be superficial sorority girl that worries solely about hair and makeup and always looks gorgeous, and sometimes I despise those people and just want to be antiestablishment emo, and other times I think that's all so "immature" and become this workaholic obsessed with success...and always stressed. I don't know which one I really am, if any of those, or if I'm some combination? Is it even possible to be a combination?

Who am I? That will be my new goal in therapy. To figure out who the hell I am...and maybe from there I can figure out what I want and what makes me happy, so I know why I'm not happy right now.

Dear Anne,

I'm slipping down again. Most likely at least somewhat related to my lack of meds for the past week--both for depression and all else.

I'm not done cutting people out. They are all going to be cut out now. I'm done. I'm tired. I can't put up with the hurt anymore. All these people around me, all of them hurt me, all of them make me feel like shit. There's no point in anyone trying, I don't want pity. All I want is to work or die. It's no one else's business which I choose.

I no longer need nor want anyone to be around me or consider me a "friend," because from this moment on, I disown all.

forgive sounds good
forget...im not sure i could
they say time heals everying...but i'm still waiting

im through with doubt
nothin left for me to figure out
i've paid a price
and i'll keep payin

im not ready to make nice
im not ready to back down
im still mad as hell

its too late to make it right
prolly wouldnt if i could
cuz im mad as hell

i know you said
can't ya just get over it
it turned my whole world around
and i kinda like it

The Dixie Chicks stated my feelings better than I could ever do so myself. So there you go.

they say time heals everything
but i'm still waiting

Dear Anne,

I hate that girl so much. So, so much. I cannot stand here. She is the biggest bitch I think I've met in my entire life. I never want to see her again. Just looking at her makes me want to die. It makes me wish she would die. I hate that girl so, so much. I wish I had never met her. God must really hate me for him to make me meet her. God, why? I wish I'd never come here. I wish I'd just stayed the hell away from her. I hate her.

Nikita Shah is the biggest regret of my college life.

Dear Anne,

After a not-so-pleasant start to the day, including muffled crying during rounds, I find myself at home remembering the past--those little clues my parents gave that I should have kept in mind, because, as usual, mother and father are always right.

I have felt so lonely and friendless, and continued trying to push away what "friends" I have left today (thankfully to no avail). And I continued feeling this way through the night until the very end when I befriended a 32 year old friend-of-a-friend who I happened to meet with a group of people at a hole-in-the-wall bar down the street where I just happened to end up. She and I immediately hit it off and she was in the only person in the place that I could keep a conversation with. Everyone else either bored me or irritated me, as usual.

And it hits me: long ago, my mother used to worry about me not acting my own age, only ever hanging out with the older kids...she always used to say I never had a childhood, that I just skipped over it and became an adult. I never liked to giggle and run around and play with the other little kids -- I'd rather sit and chat with the older children or even with my mother's friends. Maybe that's why I'm jacked up--I never had a childhood. Not because I had no other choice or anything, but because...well, that is my nature. In fact, now that I think of it, my cousin used to make fun of me for acting like an old woman, and a lot of my aunts and uncles thought I was odd, and some of them even disliked me, for acting older than my age.

So that is my problem. I'm an old woman inside and that is why I can't get along with most people I am around on a daily basis. Of course, that's only part of the story. The other part is that people in general just suck and I'm an easily irritable person with anger management problems and multiple personalities, I swear. Again, if I remember correctly, my brother was afraid of me for a good while (and actually still is) because he thinks I literally have multiple personalities. Hmmm, maybe I should listen to my family more often...

Dear Anne,

I am a terrible, terrible person. There's a reason I have no friends, and it's because I just don't deserve them and the universe knows that. That is why I create problems where they don't exist and get into fights with everyone, because I am an evil person at heart.

I have felt wronged and betrayed by so many of my close "friends" that I do believe I've lost count. But have I really been wronged? Because no conversation is ever fruitful -- it's always "me" that is the problem, that's drifting away.

I just just crawl into a hole and die, and stop inflicting pain on everyone...and in the process, myself.

Dear Anne,

I just took a look at a few of my more recent posts and almost laughed, in a sadistic way--depressing "of late"?? Since when has a few years been "of late"? How pathetic. I'm so depressing and sad I just laugh at my own suicidal thoughts. It's disgusting how pathetic I really am. Everyday I get sad and the only thing that comforts me is the thought of hanging myself. Then I can smile. Is that odd?

My poor elderly pt is going to return home to an abusive son tomorrow and I just wish I could go with him, and take care of him, because something tells me he will not fare well. He is already 86 and has a son that steals from him and most likely neglects him...what is the point? I just hope he can die in peace and doesn't suffer at home. He is so strong...he refuses to say anything bad about his son, is absolutely a fighter and mumbles on and on about how hard he worked and how much he provided for his family. I completely believe him...poor, poor old man. The world is such a harsh place.

I was approached at Starbucks today by an older Iraqi man who just came here to the US in September and is studying at UMKC for his Masters degree -- he almost cried when he told me he has a time limit (imposed by his Iraqi government) to learn English and would just like someone to practice conversation with. But the truly saddening part of his story was his description of life in Iraq versus life here in the US -- no friends, no family, no familiarities at all here in America. He lives all alone, without anyone to talk to, ever. At one point he mentioned his thoughts of taking his own life -- it's amazing how that scares me when someone else says it. Because I believe it, and I know how horrible a feeling it is. I don't want anyone else to have to feel it. So I gave him my email and I received his email and cellphone, and I think I might give him the number of the UMKC Counseling Center as well as continue to talk to him, so he's not so lonely. I don't want him to feel friendless. And I hope the counseling center gives him more chance to practice his speaking as well as be aware of any suicidal thoughts, should they become an issue. I worry about people. I can't even study.

Everyone hates me. I'm so useless. Dr. Hermanns looks at me like he hates me, Parker looked at me like a nuisance today to the point that I just wanted to disappear, and my "dear" friends on the unit I'm sure are sick of me. I'm not even a part of anything anymore, I feel like an outsider that doesn't belong. That's always how I feel. I can't believe I thought would find people who really care, what was I thinking? There's no such thing, my "friendships" don't ever last. I never feel included, for a reason -- I'm NOT included. I should get used to it and just shoot myself already. Hmmm that sounds so good...

Dear Anne,

My life has been so depressing of late--New Years was terrible, I'm still crushing on the boy that I just can't have, my friends are now non-existent and I'm so...so tired. I just want to cry all the time, I'm so sad. I just want...to lie down and never have to get up. I'm so tired.

Dear Anne,

I had the most terrible night last night. Ringing in the New Year is not as wonderful as everyone makes it sound. I can't even write what happened because it's so pathetic. Basically, I should not drink, or party, or go out at all because I obviously can't handle it and can't take care of myself.

And I'm still in love with my damn SP. I can't get him out of my head...I like him so much. I even had a dream about him last night. Ugh.