Dear Anne,

I went out tonight with Sujan. We had fun. He is a lot of fun to talk to, if he actually opens up and acts himself. I like him so much. And I like him even more because...now I know he would never cheat. He was so sweet, and so much fun, but never made a move. I respect him so much more for it. It makes me happy.

This makes 200 posts.

Dear Anne,

I don't believe in anything. I have no faith. I love no one. Life has no hope, it will always be miserable and I will always hate myself and everyone and everything around me. It doesn't matter the psychiatrists i see, how much therapy I get, how much medicine I take, whether I exercise and eat and sleep right...I will always think the same way I do now, and I will always hate life.

For all the good in the world, there is a thousand times more bad. No one's life ends up happy -- everyone is hurt and cheated and lied to depressed, and life is never good enough. Nothing and no one is ever worth it. Love does not last. This world is just torture.

I want to die.

Dear Anne,

I had an episode tonight, but I have come back from it. I finally finished Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi, and it is hands down, by far, my FAVORITE NOVEL. It is amazing...breathtakingly amazing. I am near speechless on every aspect of this novel. I just put it down and cannot wait to begin it again...

It's got a backdrop made of literary masterpieces, a plot in the foreground masterfully intertwining the loss of freedom to religious tyrants with everyday life for intellectual women struggling to define themselves, and no less important, writing that truly pays homage to the great literary figures it discusses. Hands down, by far, my favorite novel. Azar Nafisi, you have articulated all of my hopes and fears more clearly in this novel than I could ever dream of doing in my own thoughts, and in this way, have helped me cope. Thank you.

I am so stupid. I thought maybe I was getting better...that it would be ok. That it would stop...but it NEVER STOPS. It NEVER STOPS and I don't know when I will learn...when I will finally learn...and finally give up.

I don't want anyone anymore. They all hurt me, and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of crying. I just want it to stop...

Dear Anne,

It's Saturday night. I took the CBSE today. I should be out partying, but instead I'm sitting on my couch in sweats with any plans of leaving the home slowly swirling down the drain. My only choices are 1) go to Kona (which is a far drive) with people I haven't spoken to in 2 years or 2) go to Power & Light District, which would be good, except the people going there are people I DETEST. And my darling SP is of course not dependable, as he is arbitrarily texting me back no definitive answers whatsoever. I had hoped to see him...in fact he is the only reason I wanted to go out tonight. I may never see him again...he is going to be gone soon, and we are alternately on vacation months for the next 2 months. I wanted to say goodbye...I guess I will never get to. Just as well, I suppose. Never should have met him in the first place, to be honest...

...and now I sit here drinking a glass of Chardonnay, alone. Sad. Again.

Dear Anne,

The CBSE is in 2 days and I am not ready to pass yet...it will take another month of studying. I started so late...I wish I had started earlier, but at least now I have some momentum.

I missed a birth today, because I let the other student go ahead and watch. I always feel I have to let the other person have the honor--or offer, at least. They never do refuse. I should learn to stop offering. The medical profession is not an Asian home. It's so odd, because in India, you always offer whatever it is, and when you are offered something, you always refuse whatever it is--you're not supposed accept unless you are seriously pressed to do so! And then, when you are refused, you are supposed to give anyway. For example:

"Would you like some tea?"
"No no, we're fine."
"Oh come now, don't say that! I'm making tea."

That's proper etiquette, and unfortunately I'm so used to it that it just comes out without me even thinking. And then I always end up getting the short end of the deal--and on top of that, I think the residents think I am just lazy and don't care, and that's why I always offer everything up to other students.

I need to have more of a Christina Yang-like attitude (from Gray's Anatomy). But I'm not like her....could I ever say that "carnage trumps rounds"? No...no. I am too emotional for that. Unfortunately, I fear I may be an Izzy. Lord, I don't want to be an Izzy. I need to work on myself, I need to become a Dr. Yang by the time I hit residency, or I'll never make it through. I'll get kicked out/burnt out like Izzy should have been.

Here's to Christina Yang--and the stone-cold heart that makes her worthy of joining my league of idols.

Dear Anne,

Water is good. Water is very, very good. Especially when you've spent the past year apparently trying to rid your body of any and all hydration it may have had by drinking as much diuretic as possible in that lovely form we call "coke." Mmm...yummy just thinking about it. But no! Must...drink...water....soo...good. It's true, water does quench your thirst like no other. Move over Sprite, your slogan just lost its punch--and truthiness.

I am convinced I will get approximately near a 50% on the CBSE. Not a great score, but much better than I would have gotten 2 months ago--I am a dimwit, and sometimes it distresses me. However, I have learned to find the light in the situation: I have hope. I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, and this gives me hope that I still have it in me. I can still learn. I can still be intelligent if I try hard enough...ay, and there's the rub--I've got to try hard enough. And I'm trying right now. It will take me another month to be truly ready to pass the CBSE, but that is alright. At least I will have practice, and I'm going to use the QBank anyway :-)

And away I go to study!

Dear Anne,

Nicole Atkins says: "I know we'll meet again...maybe tonight...just tell me where and when"

I, however, was not of the same opinion in texting my SP tonight. He wanted me to go out whether or not I had a big test this weekend--but I kept up my willpower and even though he did tell me "where and when" we could meet tonight.....I said no. Willpower or just idiocy? Passing up a good chance? Well hopefully we will meet again...not tonight, but maybe Saturday night.

Dear Anne,

I made a file to keep record of all the money I spent. I went back to the beginning of March and realized I have spent over $2000 this month -- $1000 on the AMSA Conference. Most of that I will get back, but still, that's about $1200 I spent this month otherwise. Ridiculous amounts. Mainly, I need to stop eating out and shopping so much. And it will start now -- from now on:

1) study at home or at the med school, no coffee shops
2) bring lunch
3) stop shopping online just because im depressed. in fact, NO online shopping, and not allowed to go shopping at all for the next 2 months because i've spent so much on it recently
4) cook at home more often instead of always eating out or ordering just because its easier.

I just got my email from Joel on last week's BRD meeting that I missed - -there was a lot discussed. We have a chapter check-in conference call next wednesday, so I really need to get started and call up all my chapters to make sure they are holding elections and transitions soon, and find out how they are in general. I just emailed Dr. Keller about my summer AMSA meetings. I need to email HHFA about speaking at Regional Conference -- I'll likely hold my own session as well, maybe on the political process? I think I know enough about it to lead a session :-) I'm so excited about AMSA -- it's gonna be so much work but SO worth it! We have a chapter check-in once a month, and check-up every 3 months, 2 national meetings this summer (and more later on), a book to read, and I and Nicole (other region 8 director) decided we would conf call each other 1x every 2 weeks to keep ahead of the natoinal conference calls and keep region 8 going strong. YAY!

I am so glad I have this new position, I really need it. It's helping me remember who I am. I just read the Year-End report by last years Regional Director and when it got to UMKC, it said "alive and well - Farheen Qurashi's leadership for the past 2 years has really brought this chapter along." I was so proud!!! And it's actually helping me keep up in school - with more responsibility, i have to be more organized...so I plan more, and I plan time to study and how I'm going to study to be most efficient, etc. If I'm not efficient, I won't get everything done. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to procrastinate anymore...especially with Christina leaving for 3 months in the fall, therby leaving me to step up into Executive Director for Sojourner a little earlier than expected, as well as holding this new national AMSA position AND studying for Boards at the same time!

Whew. I'm lovin' it.

**the list of female singers/idols grows. the latest to join -- Nicole Atkins, with her lovely bit of retro 50s bittersweet bubblegum pop and its little twist of goth...loving it. She joins the likes of Lily Allen, Karen O, and Jenny Lewis...not to forget MIA :-)

Dear Anne,

I am running out of money, and it's freaking me out. I splurged so much on shopping and nights out in the past few months that I'm literally now in complete debt...I am living off my credit card. I don't know what to do, my job doesn't pay nearly enough, and I will just have to liver frugally for a few months until my parents slowly build-up my account without noticing it was ever depleted. Damnit.

Dear Anne,

My feelings rise and fall so dramatically and so quickly, it's hard to keep up with them. The slightest thing takes me into the clouds and then something else can drop me immediately back down.

I went to convention for the past week. It started off rather uneventful and boring--mainly, the programming wasn't all that interesting to me. However, I did very much need a "vacation" and I was so glad to be able to lie in a nice hotel room and eat and drink good foods in nice restaurants while relaxing or getting up an enjoying myself as I saw fit. It was a good break, a necessary one.

I was supposed to leave on Saturday morning to make it back for Rachel's wedding, but I made a last minute decision to stay for an extra day. I figured Rachel wouldn't miss me, and I needed to stay for Regional Time and national elections. So, I stayed. I voted in the HOD for national officers and of course got to watch the ensuing, ceremonial, HOD drama. Oh, how I do love AMSA politics! *sarcasm* I guess it keeps it interesting though.

Anywho, I then proceeded to spend a nerve-wracking afternoon running for Region 8 Director--which I won! My stomach did multiple flip-flops that day. I was SO happy. I wanted it SO bad. I know I will do a good job.

The rest of the stay was rather mundane, I spent my time studying. I realize the CBSE is coming up closely and as much time I spend on FirstAid, I seem to be gaining little or no knowledge. So, I bought Step up to the USMLE Step 1 at the Exhibition Hall (they were having a special AMSA discount) and I like it a lot better. It's a lot more detailed and gives more background, not in outline form. I despise outline form. Whatever happened to complete sentences???!!

And today I woke up at 5:30 to catch a 7:30 flight that I almost missed, and after 3 hours and a connection in Dallas I was finally back in Kansas City. It's fucking freezing here, I miss the 80s in Houston. In fact, we rallied outside of Houston's City Hall on Friday (for universal healthcare -- it was awesome!!! multiple speakers came, we all wore our white coats and chanted up and down the streets. we got on tv.) and everyone was sweating their asses off. It was 84dgrees and fucking hot in white coats. And by the way: I have decided I really really really want to go back to Houston. The medical complex is amazing, the weather's great, I like the diversity...I want to go back. Poo, I miss it already...


Thank god for AMSA. It really does remind me why I came to medical school. It's such a breath of fresh air...it keeps me going, keeps me from burning out completely, just when I think it's over. Thank you AMSA.

Dear Anne,

I leave tomorrow morning for Houston's AMSA Conference. I should be excited but that is rather difficult when you are losing your mind -- and I am most certainly losing my mind. I am a perpetually discontent, unorganized failure that is slowly turning more and more to alcohol (earlier and earlier in the day) to release her anxieties. This can lead nowhere good.

In the past 2 weeks, I have lost my credit card, my copy of my social security, my car insurance and multiple other gift cards, etc. (thankfully not my ID), school papers, a letter from a Sojourner patient's lawyer, Sojourner needs lists, and probably more that I just don't know about yet. I have also lost my phone twice in the past 2 months (although I did end up finding it). I've forgotten to send in multiple bills on time and they are as of yet waiting to be sent in tomorrow morning. I am losing my mind.

To my credit, however, I have managed to keep my apartment moderately clean. This, now, is quite a feat in a place that seems to build up trash, dishes, and most annoyingly, papers that are all complete junk, as if I have a family of four.
********************************
The DNC continues to argue over the fate of millions of voters in Michigan and Florida, as the candidates feign standing aside kindly to allow their beloved party to perform its deliberations. The fact of the matter is that both candidates have their own opinions on the matter, doubtless, based on the outcomes of their own campaigns as based on the outcome of this decision. Who can blame them? Not me!

So much of working class America complains at the necessity for "transparency" and "truth" and "honesty" etc. etc. in politics today -- thus proving their own naivety. Yes, America, politics and government is a complicated matter--please realize that running a country is inherently a complicated task, get over your "down-to-earth" roots, and either join the game or keep your mouth shut, as usual. You don't perk up when you're asked to and then complain about corruption--I feel absolutely no remorse. I love "Washington." Why? Because I bothered to sit down and learn about it, and it is not a confusing jumble of politics to me, it is realistic government. Perhaps if the rest of the idiots surrounding me would give logic and thought a try, they would find the time away from bitching about government to actually be a part of it.

I will now climb down from upon my soapbox. Long live the DNC.
I hope you have missed me, Houston, for I am returning, and we shall have a grand old time reminiscing.
*********************************
Currently listening to: Better in Time, Leona Lewis
(can't wait until her CD is released in the US!)

Dear Anne,

I just had amniotic fluid splashed on me. Luckily none went into my mouth, nose, or eyes. It splashed a bit on my cheeks and fell a good deal onto my shirt and pants. They're hospital scrubs so it's ok. And I'm dried up by now. This patient went into labor and went from 3cm dilated to water breaking like 0 to 60. It was insane, we were all running and then the little baby boy just literally popped out.

It was disgusting.

The baby is quite cute, but the whole process was not pleasant. And even worse was the fact that she tore herself all up down there and it was so complicated that we had to page the OB attending to come up from the OR to sew it back together, because neither the intern nor the senior resident had ever seen anythign like it, and she was likely to have a fistula to the rectum if it wasn't done correctly. So we proceeded to stare at her huge vagina for another hour, as it bled.

It was oh so pleasant. I am never having babies.

Dear Anne,

First of all, a message: I hate you. I hate eveeryone reading this. I hate everyone. I have no friends. I have learned that when I really need someone, no one is actually there for me.

Secondly, I am going to buy "Final Exit." And then, I am going to kill myself.

That is all.

Dear Anne,

On the heroines of Jane Austen: "these women, genteel and beautiful, are the rebels who say no to the choices made by silly mothers, incompetent fathers...and the rigidly orthodox society."

I only hope I can live up to Ms. Elizabeth Bennet.

I have decided to diagnose myself with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always confused my therapists with quick changes of opinion and mood -- within hours. I often cut myself because I knew it would upset Nikita, as bad as that is. I showed Aalok my cuts because I wanted him to feel bad and blame himself, I had hoped it would make him be the person I wanted him to be. I love and hate people at the drop of a hat -- I have "loved" and "hated" every person I come into contact with. Literally, every single person I have ever come into contact with, I either love, hate, or alternate between the two for one reason or another. For instance, today, during one conversation, I alternated between adoring Devang and, at the end, passionately hating his existence. This morning I vacillated between wanting to shout from the rooftops my undying love for Sujan, and wanting to smack him for being what I thought was "pissy." Of course, at the same time that I wanted to smack him, I also wanted to hide away in a corner, for I of course did not feel good enough to face the rest of the world if it appeared I wasn't good enough for him. (On a side note, I suppose he had every right to be "pissy" this morning if he was -- we all forgot his birthday was yesterday.) And speaking of yesterday, I tried to cut myself during a conversation with Charles that started out as him making me feel better. Again, it was all love and adoration at the beginning, followed by hatred and disgust approximately an hour later.

Let all of that be as it may. It does not mean that I cannot live up to Ms. Austen's ideal of a rebellious and influential literary heroine -- a Miss Elizabeth Bennett. I can, and I will.

It'll all get better in time... Leona Lewis, "Better in Time" from her debut album Spirit

Dear Anne,

I need more dresses.

I thought the TX/OH primaries were over and I was too anxious to check the results, and seriously considered moving out of the country if Hillary Clinton didn't win them. I got scared.

I also thought tomorrow was Monday and just set my alarm for 6am and took a sleeping pill.

I am still scared, for the impending primaries. I can't think straight.

Dear Anne,

I've been feeling very very lonely lately. My stomach hurts all the time. But no one calls me back...no Jackie, not Kristen, not Sami Bhai.

Actually, I had a lot of fun last night at Piano Bar with some of the ADPi's and a few Betas who met us up there.

I guess it just depends on the day, who I'll be "friends" with for that day. Who will "be there" for me...because those girls were most definitely a lot fun last night, and they totally pushed me to talk to this guy that for some reason thought I was really pretty or something. They are so much fun, and they are there for me, in their own way.

So, I either have tons of friends, because there's just so many for me to choose from, or none at all, because the people around me change with the weather, and not always by my choosing.