Dear Anne,

It is cold.
I am drained. I am tired. I give up.

Dear Anne,

I wish...I wish I'd never met him. Just like all the rest. He's getting married and doesn't really care about me at all, and I delude myself into thinking otherwise. I'm just in denial. And as usual, I end up getting hurt.

He doesn't care that I'm not out right now. And here I sit, all nicely made up, ready to walk out the door and meet him...only to hear him on the other end of the phone saying oh well, I guess if you're friends aren't going out, you're not...in other words, "sucks for you, i'm gonna go have fun and could care less what you do."

I hate my life so much.

Dear Anne,

My head is spinning.
_______________________________________________________

My CBSE was miscored. I am not as stupid as previously supposed, I hope. Perhaps the crying on Monday morning was all unnecessary, and the worry on the part of Dr. Cuddy was all unwarranted. Let us hope.

I am slowly feeling stronger. I fell sick earlier this week, afflicted with a migraine in the middle of rounds and send home with medicine from the clinic, as per the attending. I thought it was the most mortifying thing that could happen to me, until I became hypoglycemic and near passed out on rounds in the ED the next day. People ran around getting me crackers and applesauce and having me gulp it down as quickly as possible, while my attending consoled me into sitting down and resting my head on a desk so as not to fall over completely. I then realized what could be mortifying on rounds.

I received the following message along with a friend request on facebook:
Looking forward to meeting you, my friend. You got a good one in my boy Suj. I'm sure the same can be said for you. The pictures of you two is good enough for me. Looking forward to it!

Cheers,
John.
Apparently there is more than one person getting the wrong idea about my relationship with Sujan. I am, unfortunately (very unfortunately) not the fiance. I must admit it makes me happy on some level, but the fact remains that this friend, John, has the wrong girl. I don't knowwhat to do about it. I immediately got rid of those apparently misleading pictures, but other than that, I haven't the ability to tell either this friend or the man in question, my wonderful SP, that there is an case of mistaken identity going around at all.

I am trying desperately to hand off my AMSA chapter to the next generation, but there is hardly anyone to hand it off to, and the one bridging the gap is actually a part of my own class...and I regret to say, not my first choice, but the only one willing and eligible. And already, I have found that he is a less-than-adequate President, what with his insistence on using AMSA money for frivolous pursuits and his refusal to be present at mandatory meetings needed to transition the chapter over in the first place!

Dear Anne,

I am freaking out. freaking out freaking out freaking out...

I forgot to send in my check to RSVP for Jewell Degree with ADPi. Does this mean I can't go alum???? It better not. OMG OMG OMG. I am so freaking out right now, my heart is pounding. I already took 2 xanax earlier today because I was so irritable about Beta Week and now I'm freaking out about Founders Day/Jewell Degree. OMGOMGOMGOMGGOGM *i need another xanax...

Dear Anne,

People won't stop bothering me. Constant calls, voicemails lasting 5minutes long and saying only 10seconds worth of information, text messages about nothing in particular...SO IRRITATING. I have A LIFE. Before it was just my mother, and now...its everyone! OMG does no one have a life? Is no one else as busy as I am? It's like people have no respect for me or my time, and don't realize that I'm busy. People text me constantly about nothing, saying "how are you" and "what's up" and "blahblahblah this happened last night." That's great. Call me in the evening. Some people have work to do during the day! Or just leave a SHORT voicemail. And if you leave a voicemail, don't leave me "umm yeah so umm yeah and umm and" repeating the same thing 5 times over. Believe it or not, not everyone is as stupid as you. Say it once. If you send me an email, don't also send a voicemessage, phone call, im and multiple texts. I, unlike others, actually check my fucking email! I got it! God I hate people so much sometimes.

And even worse, people decide they just have to check out before me to get out of clinic later even though I'm starving and actually have something to do afterwards, like go see patients and go to rounds, or go to class. No no, whatever they have is infinitely more important even though I have to skip lunch/dinner and run off to where it is I am expected to be and they don't actually have any work obligations. My work has to wait. I have to get in trouble for everyone else.

And lastly, I'm ever so popular when people need something from me, or when its convenient....but it appears that as soon as someone better pops up, I'm worthless, and can be easily forgotten. I fucking hate my friends. Scratch that--I have no "friends." I fucking hate people.

I'm so sick of being taken for granted.

Dear Anne,

I love ADPi.

First. Finest. Forever. Alpha Delta Pi.

Dear Anne,

My friend Ricki is constantly faced with the dilemma of "do I answer, do I not answer," ... his ex-girlfriend, who refuses to give up on their relationship despite his obvious ignoring of all her phone calls and ims and persistent smiles in the hallway. She hurt him greatly, has moved on to someone else, and yet refuses to give up on him. Perhaps she values his friendship? Perhaps she wants to make herself feel better?

Quite frankly, it does not matter which of the above is the reason--he wants nothing to do with her so that he can emotionally move on, and if she was a decent and sensible person, she would let him. But here he is telling me he feels sorry for her! Why? "She's depressed, has a bad family life, and is dating an old guy."

Well that's her own damn fault. She chose who she dates. Yes, she is depressed and refuses to admit to herself or anyone else. She refuses to try and get help, and she's nowhere near as depressed as I have been for the past few years! Yeah her family life isn't optimal, but it most certainly is not violent or abuse in any way, and furthermore, she left them behind, 600 miles away, 4 years ago. She created her life, and continues to create it everyday.

I know that sounds harsh, and I realize that it applies to myself as well. I realize that my family life is a lot better than most people have had it...a lot better. I realize that if I don't get up from my suicidal attempts to go to my doctor the next week, eventually, I will kill myself and no one will notice. I know deep down that my future matters to no one as much as it matters to me, and yes that is what drives me to suicide, but it is also what drives me back and makes me fight. Yeah I'm alone right now, but I choose to be -- I am a picky girl who doesn't want the guys that want me. Again, my own choice. I whine a lot, but I'm not an idiot. I know deep down that I made my life. If I do end up killing myself, it's my own choice, my own fault. I would have given up.

We're all alone in this. You can't depend on anyone to keep you going all through life...in the end, this is no team sport. We're all in this ALONE, and we have to, now, either sink or swim.

Dear Anne,

My last Greek Week came to an end today, and we were lucky enough to have an awesome speaker for once. I am so proud to be Greek, and to be an Alpha Delta Pi. He said something that really struck me and that I want to remember:

"If you're going to lead, expect to be shot at."

During WWII, German snipers were quickly and easily targeting the troop leaders, who wore insignia and marched at the front of their respective troops. So, they were moved to the back and the insignia was taken off, in an effort to hide them from the snipers. This, of course, caused chaos in the ranks because not only could troops not find their leaders during battle because no one had the leaders' insignia, but the "leaders" were always the last to reach the actual lines of battle because they were so far back!

It didn't work. They put back on the insignia, went back to the front lines, and lead. If you're going to lead, expect to be shot at.

Dear Anne,

Perusing Bonnie's Peace Corps blog reminds me of what a worthless waste my life is right now. Sitting here, comfortably in my living room after "strenuously" washing the dishes! The International Medicine Interest Group meeting was today, and I was lost for an hour in pictures of beautiful Papua New Guinea...a world I can only imagine, but for some reason I feel I belong in--more than this world, at least.

Perhaps it's just that I know I don't belong here, so I hope I belong...there. Out there in the rest of the world, where people live simpler lives and are happy. I want to leave. It is time for me...to go. I can just feel it, I need to leave now. I had decided long ago I needed to leave for a year, and I thought perhaps a month or two with the INMED program at UMKC would be enough, but no. A year at least I need to leave! It will be hell getting through Year 5 until I can leave...but by God I'll do it so that I can go! I need to go. I know nothing else right now, but I know this -- I need to leave and go there. Out there!

Dear Anne,

I had a traumatizing event occur last night. I saw a cockroach in my apartment, which of course scared the shit out of me. I have a phobia of bugs, all types. People don't believe me when I say "phobia" but I really mean it. I cried multiple times over a span of about 2-3 hours, and had about 3 panic attacks which consisted of much hyperventilating, freezing, falling over, and some chest pain and stomach pain. I thought I was going to die. I almost wished I would.

I called multiple guy friends, I called my cousin...all of whom brushed it off and kept saying "it can't hurt you..." etc, etc. Now, all of these guys are in medical school (and my cousin's a doctor!) but apparently they didn't pay attention at all in any type of Behavioral Science classes because they don't seem to understand what the word "phobia" means. I cannot come near them. I couldn't walk into my bedroom. No fly swatter or broom is long enough. Yes, I did cry, and yes, I had a legitimate panic attack. I have to cover up pictures of bugs in books because they will make me cry. I wish people understood...

So I didn't get much sleep last night. Thankfully, I awoke this morning to find it lying dead in the middle of my bedroom and just had the concierge come up and throw it away for me. I am going to bake him cookies tomorrow.