Dear Anne,

It's been nearly a month. Not much has happened, really lol. Just taking pharmacology and obsessing over boards studying...that is, unfortunately, life for me right now. Well, at least I don't have too much else to worry about...

I have been made Co-Exec Dir for Sojourner in the past month (in-training, of course). So far, it's not too bad but it does take up more time and decisions than I had planned on. It's good though, it's what I wanted and I do enjoy doing it.

Being an AMSA National officer is a great experience. June Meeting was great, so many amazing people -- in fact, I have kind of a crush on one of them (kind of because it is not receiprocated) who would be so perfect...muslim, sweet, med student....he's quite possibly the sweetest most polite guy i've ever met...but I don't think he's interested. Damnit. He's so cute...

I have a crick in my neck. It hurts. I feel like shit, I'm so addicted to caffeine and I'm always sleeping...

Dear Anne,

When I was younger, about thirteen, I was accused of being, well basically, a slut, by my mother and aunts. I didn't understand then, but a few years later I got it. It still haunts me. I don't let myself think about it most of the time, but my cousin is talking to me about "the family" right now and it reminded me. He didn't udnerstand why I hated them so much. That is but a snippet of how I have grown up. And that is why I hate them. I will always hate them. They made me want to cut myself, they made me depressed, they made me hate myself...I have the urge to say I want them to "burn in hell" for it...but I am stopping just short of that, because they didn't totally destroy me. I am stronger than that and I will not completely stoop down. I will not let them...well I guess I already did.

Dear Anne,

I have been so depressed lately. I went out with Amy the other night for dinner and I just couldn't wait to leave, and same with dinner tonight with Jackie. I had to force myself to smile and talk...I just wanted to come back home and hide away from the world. I've never been this bad!

I feel so overwhelmed by school and extracurriculars. So many responsibilities...but at least it gives me a reason to go on, I don't feel so worthless.

I just wish I didn't need to sleep so much. And Ambien, though it does put me to sleep, does not make me any less tired the next day. I don't think any amount of sleep will completely satisfy me so that I'm not falling asleep during the day.

Dear Anne,

I was driving home today and while listening to magnificent song, I watched as I crossed over the "bad" part of town on the way to my condo building. Dilapidated houses and homeless people among broken down cars and cheap motels...quickly turned to downtown high-rises and luxury cars.

Coldplay - "Fix you." It's a beautiful song. I just heard it as background music to the aftershock of death on television. There is beauty in the world; for me, it's in music. But I am struck differently than others by the beauty I find -- I hear beauty but see misery around me, and can't help but think -- as beautiful as this song is, I wish I could just live in it, and not have to face the world around me....because it is not so beautiful.

Life is so pointless. Such a pointless, worthless, waste of time...most of which is spent in misery, albeit interspersed with moments of joy. Mine come in the form of music.

currently listening to "23" by Jimmy Eat World