Dear Anne,
Got back from TX and spent the weekend helping out with recruitment -- i LOVED it. (rcruitment, not going home). I love hanging out with those girls, it just makes me happy. I wish I had been more involved in sorority when I had the chance, now I'm alumnae...but I did volunteer to be HouseCorps Treasurer. I'm going to be involved in the alumnae association I think. I really want to be; my life has lost its joy and I need to find it again.
AMSA I still love, but it's a lot of work now, and I don't want to stress myself out over it, so I've been t hinking about it less and getting the work done just more efficiently. I have enough stuff to stress over, even with Sojourner on the back burner this month.
I went and saw my doctor yesterday, and so I have PFTs to do tomorrow. I am pretty sure I have a mild form of asthma, I've been getting SOB for years now, but I never wanted to admit it. However, now my coughing is ridiculously bad and I can't sleep; I need an inhaler, I don't want to die for being stubborn. I also may need to cool off on the Prozac, its making me really tired and I keep gaining weight, can't seem to stop.
But the best thing about that doctor's visit was our little talk about Boards - she went to UMKC as well. She said she had a bleeding ulcer when she took boards the first time -- and didn't pass. Why does that give me hope? Because she's got a great practice! She had other stuff going on, couldn't study, and failed boards...but life didn't end for her! She still became a doctor. So...it kind of makes me feel better that my life is not over on Sept. 19.
Loyally,
Farheen
Currently listening to: Viva la Vida, by Coldplay
26 August, 2008
17 August, 2008
Dear Anne,
I finally gathered the courage to talk to him today. Well, not completely, at first...I had decided that although everyone around me was telling me otherwise, I had to call him again, even if he hadn't called me like he promised. I just can't seem to leave things hanging like that. So I decided, before I came to TX, that I would call him today -- Sunday.
After a whirlwind day of dining and shopping, I came home and had a random second to spare, so I called. We talked for about 10minutes about absolutely nothing, and he was very obviously bored with the conversation and retired to his fantasy football. I tried to bring it up then, but I couldnt...so as soon as he hung up, I tried to call again, and finally just texted him "we need to talk..." or something along those lines :-)
It was an awkward, difficult conversation, and it ended with me crying myself to sleep (it was 6pm), but only for an hour. I can still remember his words, which hurt at the moment, but seem so meaningless now, "It's not that I've been going out of my way to not talk to you...but, it's also not like I've been going out of my way to talk to you. Wait no...that sounds mean...you know what I'm trying to say?" I had planned on pressing further, yelling at him for using me, etc. etc...but it just didn't seem right at the moment, and I must say, I'm glad I didn't do it. I just lay there in self-pity for a long time, hating him and hating myself...and then eventually I went downstairs, sick of the stress I'd been putting myself through over him for the past week. I suppose I had already grieved rather before the fact, so I left it at at that.
I went downstairs and was rather quickly consoled by Indian soap operas on TV and dinner by my mother. I just got finished watching the floor exercises for women's gymnastics. Cheng Fei, famous Chinese athlete who was favored to medal...poor girl fell more than once. She had the highest score going in, and came out with the lowest. She was crying. I said "oh my goodness, that is so sad..." and mother replied, "zindagi hai..." ("that's life")
It's so true. I looked at that girl's eyes (via the television, of course) pouring out tears for what she knew she could have earned if not for fate, for what she almost had, for what what she had worked so very hard to achieve...and lost by a slip of the foot. And I realized -- that is loss. A 5th year not passing boards, (or George O'Malley on TV's Grey's Anatomy not passing boards) -- that is loss. My dear friend who shall remain unnamed eloping and then cheating on her husband out of confusion and perhaps sheer immaturity (among numerous deeper emotional issues) -- that is loss. No longer talking to a guy I had a crush on for 2 months is nothing compared to the amount of loss people must deal with every single day. And yet even with that seemingly unimaginable (until it happens, of course) amount of loss, the only thing to really say is: life must go on; you've got to move on; learn from this; etc. etc.
What else is there, really? The girl who loses her husband...well, there is someone else out there, and next time, whether it be with him or another, you will hopefully be more mature for the experience. For Cheng Fei, you will train harder, you will believe in yourself, and you will be able to show the world what you trained for and what you're made of. And for the medical student or intern? You will study more, you will be wiser, and you will be a better doctor one day.
Woh hai zindagi...
I finally gathered the courage to talk to him today. Well, not completely, at first...I had decided that although everyone around me was telling me otherwise, I had to call him again, even if he hadn't called me like he promised. I just can't seem to leave things hanging like that. So I decided, before I came to TX, that I would call him today -- Sunday.
After a whirlwind day of dining and shopping, I came home and had a random second to spare, so I called. We talked for about 10minutes about absolutely nothing, and he was very obviously bored with the conversation and retired to his fantasy football. I tried to bring it up then, but I couldnt...so as soon as he hung up, I tried to call again, and finally just texted him "we need to talk..." or something along those lines :-)
It was an awkward, difficult conversation, and it ended with me crying myself to sleep (it was 6pm), but only for an hour. I can still remember his words, which hurt at the moment, but seem so meaningless now, "It's not that I've been going out of my way to not talk to you...but, it's also not like I've been going out of my way to talk to you. Wait no...that sounds mean...you know what I'm trying to say?" I had planned on pressing further, yelling at him for using me, etc. etc...but it just didn't seem right at the moment, and I must say, I'm glad I didn't do it. I just lay there in self-pity for a long time, hating him and hating myself...and then eventually I went downstairs, sick of the stress I'd been putting myself through over him for the past week. I suppose I had already grieved rather before the fact, so I left it at at that.
I went downstairs and was rather quickly consoled by Indian soap operas on TV and dinner by my mother. I just got finished watching the floor exercises for women's gymnastics. Cheng Fei, famous Chinese athlete who was favored to medal...poor girl fell more than once. She had the highest score going in, and came out with the lowest. She was crying. I said "oh my goodness, that is so sad..." and mother replied, "zindagi hai..." ("that's life")
It's so true. I looked at that girl's eyes (via the television, of course) pouring out tears for what she knew she could have earned if not for fate, for what she almost had, for what what she had worked so very hard to achieve...and lost by a slip of the foot. And I realized -- that is loss. A 5th year not passing boards, (or George O'Malley on TV's Grey's Anatomy not passing boards) -- that is loss. My dear friend who shall remain unnamed eloping and then cheating on her husband out of confusion and perhaps sheer immaturity (among numerous deeper emotional issues) -- that is loss. No longer talking to a guy I had a crush on for 2 months is nothing compared to the amount of loss people must deal with every single day. And yet even with that seemingly unimaginable (until it happens, of course) amount of loss, the only thing to really say is: life must go on; you've got to move on; learn from this; etc. etc.
What else is there, really? The girl who loses her husband...well, there is someone else out there, and next time, whether it be with him or another, you will hopefully be more mature for the experience. For Cheng Fei, you will train harder, you will believe in yourself, and you will be able to show the world what you trained for and what you're made of. And for the medical student or intern? You will study more, you will be wiser, and you will be a better doctor one day.
Woh hai zindagi...
13 August, 2008
Dear Anne,
Oh, what a day. What a few days...a few weeks. whew. I am so exhausted.
I have a headache (and have had one for a few days). Studying is not going well, I get fatigued so very often and just can't stick to a schedule. Can't seem to do enough questions...ugh. Not to mention I've been crazy depressed because of damn men.
I mean I just don't understand it. I really really thought I'd found a good one this time! He seemed so sweet! Like, a genuinely nice guy. What is going on? Am I just that irritating that ppl are mean to me b/c of how I act? I mean, I know I am needy. I know that. But he started acting crazy before I even had a chance to be needy! I just dont know. I give up. I asked him to call, I called, I tried and tried...there's no point anymore. I have to work with the guy, so I just can't do anything anymore, time to cut my losses and move on.
I am also so stressed about AMSA stuff + school + Sojourner stuff....its all piling on and I just can't seem to do well enough at any one of them. I feel behind all the time...I am tired...I feel sick...I just need a break. And a man that appreciates me, that would be FREAKIN' GREAT.
AMSA conference is coming up in october and the planning is just going shitty. I'm not in charge of the planning, that's being done by WashU, but i just worry about the job they're doing b/c they gave the university so much power over it and now the programming just SUCKS. It's not AMSA programming at all. The students are new leaders and don't know much about AMSA themselves, and it sucks b/c they didnt come to COC and therefore don't seem to know whatAMSA'S about. I just sent a super-long email full of stuff to improve on and add to the schedule/website/conference itself, and I hope they don't take it the wrong way b/c i just want to help and make this conference good. i want to have a conf. call with them later on this week...hopefully it works out.
sojourner is really kicking up. we are finalizing our job description to find an administrative assistant. We met with the Dean this summer, and she's crazy into sojourner now, and we have a new dean to our department that we met with on Sunday. I feel like i have to overhaul AMSA and really help improve sojourner (thank goodness at least sojourner has great leaders, i'm not along in that one!) but in AMSA i totally am alone. it sucks. Ricki sucks as a president, he's doing absolutely nothing and our poor recruitment chair AJ is doing everything on his own. Ricki wont even return myemails or phone calls that i make as his AMSA regional director! So shitty.
And Kathy Phillips made me feel like shit today. She looked at me and said "it seems like you just don't care. I mean i know you care b/c its your career and you have to pass, but you just don't seem to care. You're late, you're tired, you're not finishing the questions or keeping to a schedule...so wishy-washy" Damnit woman! I AM tired! I am always tired, always sleepy, always sick, and always depressed! I don't know why, do you think I like it that way? You think I like feeling and looking like shit all the time??? You think i want to fail boards and be kicked out of school?
OK enough about that or i will get angry. Seems i get upset about everything in my life lately...guys, AMSA, school...just everything. Everything pisses me off and eveyrthing makes me tired. I don't even havea therapist anymore. My parents apparently are going broke so I feel like shit that I spend so much money on my place, so now I can't in good conscious go shopping or eat out, and now I find out that my therapist this summer has been out-of-network with my insurance so I have a $500 bill I need to pay off without my parents knowing! And I can't see her anymore b/c the insurance won't pay until I pay off $2,000 worth of bills on my own. I can't, that's just too expensive. I just give up, my life sucks and I just...its like the whole fucking universe is against me.
Oh, what a day. What a few days...a few weeks. whew. I am so exhausted.
I have a headache (and have had one for a few days). Studying is not going well, I get fatigued so very often and just can't stick to a schedule. Can't seem to do enough questions...ugh. Not to mention I've been crazy depressed because of damn men.
I mean I just don't understand it. I really really thought I'd found a good one this time! He seemed so sweet! Like, a genuinely nice guy. What is going on? Am I just that irritating that ppl are mean to me b/c of how I act? I mean, I know I am needy. I know that. But he started acting crazy before I even had a chance to be needy! I just dont know. I give up. I asked him to call, I called, I tried and tried...there's no point anymore. I have to work with the guy, so I just can't do anything anymore, time to cut my losses and move on.
I am also so stressed about AMSA stuff + school + Sojourner stuff....its all piling on and I just can't seem to do well enough at any one of them. I feel behind all the time...I am tired...I feel sick...I just need a break. And a man that appreciates me, that would be FREAKIN' GREAT.
AMSA conference is coming up in october and the planning is just going shitty. I'm not in charge of the planning, that's being done by WashU, but i just worry about the job they're doing b/c they gave the university so much power over it and now the programming just SUCKS. It's not AMSA programming at all. The students are new leaders and don't know much about AMSA themselves, and it sucks b/c they didnt come to COC and therefore don't seem to know whatAMSA'S about. I just sent a super-long email full of stuff to improve on and add to the schedule/website/conference itself, and I hope they don't take it the wrong way b/c i just want to help and make this conference good. i want to have a conf. call with them later on this week...hopefully it works out.
sojourner is really kicking up. we are finalizing our job description to find an administrative assistant. We met with the Dean this summer, and she's crazy into sojourner now, and we have a new dean to our department that we met with on Sunday. I feel like i have to overhaul AMSA and really help improve sojourner (thank goodness at least sojourner has great leaders, i'm not along in that one!) but in AMSA i totally am alone. it sucks. Ricki sucks as a president, he's doing absolutely nothing and our poor recruitment chair AJ is doing everything on his own. Ricki wont even return myemails or phone calls that i make as his AMSA regional director! So shitty.
And Kathy Phillips made me feel like shit today. She looked at me and said "it seems like you just don't care. I mean i know you care b/c its your career and you have to pass, but you just don't seem to care. You're late, you're tired, you're not finishing the questions or keeping to a schedule...so wishy-washy" Damnit woman! I AM tired! I am always tired, always sleepy, always sick, and always depressed! I don't know why, do you think I like it that way? You think I like feeling and looking like shit all the time??? You think i want to fail boards and be kicked out of school?
OK enough about that or i will get angry. Seems i get upset about everything in my life lately...guys, AMSA, school...just everything. Everything pisses me off and eveyrthing makes me tired. I don't even havea therapist anymore. My parents apparently are going broke so I feel like shit that I spend so much money on my place, so now I can't in good conscious go shopping or eat out, and now I find out that my therapist this summer has been out-of-network with my insurance so I have a $500 bill I need to pay off without my parents knowing! And I can't see her anymore b/c the insurance won't pay until I pay off $2,000 worth of bills on my own. I can't, that's just too expensive. I just give up, my life sucks and I just...its like the whole fucking universe is against me.
Labels:
AMSA,
AMSA conference,
boards,
Dr. Meyers,
kathy phillips,
money,
regional director,
Ricki,
Sojourner,
step 1,
therapist
08 August, 2008
Dear Anne,
I read a news article today that detailed Mr. John Edwards now admittance of an affair while he was running for the Democratic Nominee for President last year. Now the news story goes on to detail how that woman had a child and he is denying it is his, how old his current children are, how is wife was battling cancer at the time, and what was going on in his political bid for Presidential Nominee...etc. etc.
I read a news article today that detailed Mr. John Edwards now admittance of an affair while he was running for the Democratic Nominee for President last year. Now the news story goes on to detail how that woman had a child and he is denying it is his, how old his current children are, how is wife was battling cancer at the time, and what was going on in his political bid for Presidential Nominee...etc. etc.
What makes me sad is that I had supported him -- he was originally my first choice for nominee. I mean that doesn't make a difference i guess, after all, I chose him because I agreed with his policies...but I must say, it does still make me sad and upset that he lied to the world like that. That anyone would lie to the world like that. I can't explain why I feel betrayed, but I do. Apparently his campaign manager felt the same way. I can only imagine what it would be like to be betrayed as the campaign manager...
The article ended on a year-or-so old quote (while denying this affair) by Mr. Edwards himself, on how he'd like to be accepted on who he truly is, not based on some "Ken doll" that everyone thinks he is.
It's amazing how self-confident and real we all pretend to be...when deep down, we're all self-conscious, we're all insecure, and we're all just lying to ourselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)