Dear Anne,
I'm unfortunately very close to reaching my threshold for frustration:
- Surgery: 5:30am - 5:30pm was fine at first, but when it gets in the way of running daily errands, getting to the doctor's office, and taking other tests, its' too much. Right now, it's too much. It's ridiculous, I spend all day doing absolutely nothing and yet the whole day is gone! I can never be a surgeon, it's so very frustrating. I can't spend my entire life in the hospital and be too tired for all else.
- Students on Surgery: all decide to get to the hospital super-early for god-knows-what-reason? I get there between 5:30 - 5:40am and I finish all my work. Granted, I have only 1-2x been able to do the list (b/c they're always already doing it) but those 1-2x, I got it done perfectly fine. It's not that fucking hard, let me do it and I'll have no problem with it. apparently now they have a problem with me not doing it, they're specially asking as if I don't want to? When did I say I don't want to? You just never give me chance to. I'm not going to show up early just because "eveyrone else does". And now they are giving me a hard time b/c i cant stay for the whole whipple tomorrow b/c i have a test "what test? why can't you take it later"?" why the fuck do i have to explain myself to you?! it's none of your business.
- random people: RUDE. just rude. no sense of professionalism, etiquette, common courtesy, responsibility...it's ridiculous. I have 10,000 things to do everyday and I get them done, why can't everyone else get there 10 things done? (i'm sure the students on surg mentioned above would disagree, but again, they dont give me chance to do the list. when they have, i take it, i stil lcome at my normal time, and i sitll get it done. suck on that.)
I hate people. I'm so frustrated. I have too many things to do. I'm so tired....so tired. Damn surgery. I may be stretching myself too thin but:
School: Surgery now, Peds next month
Sojourner: REACH report due 1/9, doing chart checks, still volunteering weekly if possible. also working with KU-HP on HR and marketing, unfortunately. too many meetings, meetings....and hardly any patient contact anymore!
AMSA: BRD stuffs (a lot, lately. documentation and paperwork). Local chapter problems (i.e. RUDE PEOPLE mentioned above). Also signed up to help with Naitonal Convention Lobby Day/Rally (with 2 jobs -- heading rallies and heading lobbying). Not to mention even getting to convention will be a problem with Prceptor being tough on days off -- need to find time to draft an excuse letter and go tal kto the director.
Apps: finished CDC (barely). Donig Mongan, last minute and will need to scramble to finish app over christmas. JRLD app coming up in Feb, hardly started it! And need to find a reference writer.
SO STRESSED. And the people around me are not helping....in fact making it harder. I think that's the part that really pisses me off...everyone around me is making it worse instead of better.
22 December, 2008
20 December, 2008
Dear Anne,
Dale Carnegie and his 'How to Influence People and Win Friends" seems wonderful and such common sense at first read, but slowly I'm coming to realize that, at least for me, it is impossible.
It would require a complete change of my thought process not only in regards to leadership but in regards to my personality. It would require me to be much more of a saint than is possible. It would be wonderful, and in most cases it would yes, work...but I cannot do it. It's not in me. It violates my very instincts. And even using the exercises, even if they work....they leave me empty, and angry.
I guess that's just not my sort of leadership. I'm going to be more realistic about my approach...yes, I will get mad sometimes. Yes, I will mess up sometimes. I'll forget names, I'll manipulate, and I will take for granted. Not out of maliciousness, but out of being human. And I can't ever change that.
Dale Carnegie and his 'How to Influence People and Win Friends" seems wonderful and such common sense at first read, but slowly I'm coming to realize that, at least for me, it is impossible.
It would require a complete change of my thought process not only in regards to leadership but in regards to my personality. It would require me to be much more of a saint than is possible. It would be wonderful, and in most cases it would yes, work...but I cannot do it. It's not in me. It violates my very instincts. And even using the exercises, even if they work....they leave me empty, and angry.
I guess that's just not my sort of leadership. I'm going to be more realistic about my approach...yes, I will get mad sometimes. Yes, I will mess up sometimes. I'll forget names, I'll manipulate, and I will take for granted. Not out of maliciousness, but out of being human. And I can't ever change that.
18 December, 2008
Dear Anne,
It's time for a written written of Farheen's Daily Bitching:
1) The Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Sounds wonderful, a place full of oncologists that are truly caring and work as hard as possible for their patients. Except that apparently in order to get "business" they have to pay for commercials that talk shit on other physicians, first of all faulting them for not spending enough time with patients, and secondly indirectly questioning their medical competency? Completely unnecessary and BAD FORM. (not to mention the cancer treatment centers of america are, im guessing, only for those who can afford it. maybe not so altruistic, are we?)
2) Burger King's new "whopper virgins" ad campaign. Taste tests are a staple of competitive marketing, but when you take advantage of third world citizens to do so ("these people have never had a burger!") its just in bad taste. Yes, of course they've never had a burger, and they'll probably never have on again. Thanks for dangling a large piece of meat, bread, cheese in front of people's faces that can never afford such, on top of introducing to them the hazardous ways of Western food culture.
3) The UMKC/TMC Surgery Department and their apparent entitlement to Pharmaceutical goods that are now illegal in the hospital, their insistence on continuing to host these PharmReps not only in their own homes, but in the OR. This is inexcusable and it makes me sick.
People should pay for their shittiness. I hate this world.
~Loyally~
P.S. Not to mention I am now being REJECTED to serve on my alumnae housecorps board!
*yes, a doctor should, ideally, spend time with their patients. But if anyone has worked at a large county, inner city, public academic hospital you know better than anyone that when you're scheduled to see a patient every 15 minutes, it's not exactly possible to spend 2 hours with one person. It would be financially impossible for any physician, private or as part of a hospital system, to see one patient every 2 hours. It's always the same with the American Public -- we want the best of everything, and exactly the way we want it, but we don't want to pay for it. (oh, unless, that is, you have the money to afford the cancer treatment centers of america. if you can pay for it, then you get it.)
That's America.
It's time for a written written of Farheen's Daily Bitching:
1) The Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Sounds wonderful, a place full of oncologists that are truly caring and work as hard as possible for their patients. Except that apparently in order to get "business" they have to pay for commercials that talk shit on other physicians, first of all faulting them for not spending enough time with patients, and secondly indirectly questioning their medical competency? Completely unnecessary and BAD FORM. (not to mention the cancer treatment centers of america are, im guessing, only for those who can afford it. maybe not so altruistic, are we?)
2) Burger King's new "whopper virgins" ad campaign. Taste tests are a staple of competitive marketing, but when you take advantage of third world citizens to do so ("these people have never had a burger!") its just in bad taste. Yes, of course they've never had a burger, and they'll probably never have on again. Thanks for dangling a large piece of meat, bread, cheese in front of people's faces that can never afford such, on top of introducing to them the hazardous ways of Western food culture.
3) The UMKC/TMC Surgery Department and their apparent entitlement to Pharmaceutical goods that are now illegal in the hospital, their insistence on continuing to host these PharmReps not only in their own homes, but in the OR. This is inexcusable and it makes me sick.
People should pay for their shittiness. I hate this world.
~Loyally~
P.S. Not to mention I am now being REJECTED to serve on my alumnae housecorps board!
*yes, a doctor should, ideally, spend time with their patients. But if anyone has worked at a large county, inner city, public academic hospital you know better than anyone that when you're scheduled to see a patient every 15 minutes, it's not exactly possible to spend 2 hours with one person. It would be financially impossible for any physician, private or as part of a hospital system, to see one patient every 2 hours. It's always the same with the American Public -- we want the best of everything, and exactly the way we want it, but we don't want to pay for it. (oh, unless, that is, you have the money to afford the cancer treatment centers of america. if you can pay for it, then you get it.)
That's America.
Labels:
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cancer treatment centers of america
12 December, 2008
02 December, 2008
Dear Anne,
It's been a sometimes frustrating and often exhilarating ride on surgery this past month, and I have yet another to look forward to. I am seriously considering this as a career choice, but I don't know if that is truely an option based on my Step 1 Score. It was very low, I don't like to think about it. Even FM or IM will be a challenge to match into.
I am learning to deal with things better. I've had a lot of frustrating episodes: people snapping at me, criticizing me, correcting me, misunderstanding me...and at first, I want to burst into tears and run off...however, I am really realizing that that is no longer an option, and that I have to learn to deal with stress without retreating and without bursting into tears or anger.
- a physician in the SICU saw me enter a patient's room without washing my hands or using Purell, and chastised me for it. Granted, the patient was not immunocompromised (he had a fracture), nor did I touch him anyway, but he didn't care and said still I should beware in the ICU. I wanted so badly to yell, cry, and run off, but I resisted. I said throught clenched teeth that I would keep that in mind in the future, forced a smile of sorts, and refused to get up and move my work. I sat there next to him and continued, and did not leave until I was done. it stuck with me for hours...but by the next day, I wasn't bothered at all.
- the girls rather betrayed me by hanging me out to dry one day when i was confused about where everyone was at...and I did cry. I went home and cried and freaked out and called everyone I knew. I was abrupt with Jen and Jenny. But the next day, I collected myself, responsibly apologized to my resident, and since then, it has all been fine.
- i have been repeatedly been yelled at while on call for not knowing what's going on or for making stupid mistakes. i.e. i drifted off when I should have been cutting a knot, got shouted at, but just continued without flinching. It was all fine. The circulating nurse yelled at me for putting a blanket on the patient (which I was asked to do by the physician) - i said absolutely nothing, and continued. I was in the anesthesiologist's way, he said "move, now!" and I just moved. I wanted to cry, so badly...but I didn't. I refuse to.
I am slowly but surely realizing that yelling = communicating in this world, and if I want to make it through, I can't take things personally. They're not yelling at me, they are yelling at what I am doing (or not doing). And I take it as a lesson for the next time. The real goal? never make the same mistake twice. Now that will fuck you up.
I'm learning. Thicker skin...thicker skin. Just like Dr. Varanka said, and I keep hearing it. I will do it, and without medication. (p.s. did i mention i weaned myself off my anti-depressants?!)
It's been a sometimes frustrating and often exhilarating ride on surgery this past month, and I have yet another to look forward to. I am seriously considering this as a career choice, but I don't know if that is truely an option based on my Step 1 Score. It was very low, I don't like to think about it. Even FM or IM will be a challenge to match into.
I am learning to deal with things better. I've had a lot of frustrating episodes: people snapping at me, criticizing me, correcting me, misunderstanding me...and at first, I want to burst into tears and run off...however, I am really realizing that that is no longer an option, and that I have to learn to deal with stress without retreating and without bursting into tears or anger.
- a physician in the SICU saw me enter a patient's room without washing my hands or using Purell, and chastised me for it. Granted, the patient was not immunocompromised (he had a fracture), nor did I touch him anyway, but he didn't care and said still I should beware in the ICU. I wanted so badly to yell, cry, and run off, but I resisted. I said throught clenched teeth that I would keep that in mind in the future, forced a smile of sorts, and refused to get up and move my work. I sat there next to him and continued, and did not leave until I was done. it stuck with me for hours...but by the next day, I wasn't bothered at all.
- the girls rather betrayed me by hanging me out to dry one day when i was confused about where everyone was at...and I did cry. I went home and cried and freaked out and called everyone I knew. I was abrupt with Jen and Jenny. But the next day, I collected myself, responsibly apologized to my resident, and since then, it has all been fine.
- i have been repeatedly been yelled at while on call for not knowing what's going on or for making stupid mistakes. i.e. i drifted off when I should have been cutting a knot, got shouted at, but just continued without flinching. It was all fine. The circulating nurse yelled at me for putting a blanket on the patient (which I was asked to do by the physician) - i said absolutely nothing, and continued. I was in the anesthesiologist's way, he said "move, now!" and I just moved. I wanted to cry, so badly...but I didn't. I refuse to.
I am slowly but surely realizing that yelling = communicating in this world, and if I want to make it through, I can't take things personally. They're not yelling at me, they are yelling at what I am doing (or not doing). And I take it as a lesson for the next time. The real goal? never make the same mistake twice. Now that will fuck you up.
I'm learning. Thicker skin...thicker skin. Just like Dr. Varanka said, and I keep hearing it. I will do it, and without medication. (p.s. did i mention i weaned myself off my anti-depressants?!)
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